Humans Are Space Orcs

Bluff

What if aliens had no idea how to hide their emotions? Like, they suck at poker because they can never keep a straight face or anything. Or, on a darker note, their ship is hijacked and they can't keep the fear out of their faces, but all of the humans look cold and emotionless to them. 

Other aliens hating having to bargain with humans because we can bluff and keep our emotions in check so well, but when they get frustrated it's all over. Pirates threaten the space ship and they send the human to do the negotiations, and the pirate talking is super confused because no matter what threat he makes, the human just doesn't seemed to be fazed one bit.

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Okay but now I'm thinking about how this ability is used in in the context of animal training/hostage negotiation/teaching/customer service. Not just looking stone-faced, but completely lying with affect, body-language and vocal tone to seem calm, friendly, relaxed and it control of the situation in order to build rapport with and animal or person and to de-escalate aggression in a situation.

Proximity alarms start going off. A vessel is approaching.

Camilian: <looks at viewscreen> :Oh zark it, it's the Parg."

Egrat: <Dashes over> "Oh erting fraknabs, we're dead."

Human Crewmember: "The who?"

Camilian: <shudders> "The Parg. Remember the civilizations living on those five planets Lei-ward of Helios 6?"

Human: "No? I thought that system was empty of sentient life."

Camilian: "Exactly>"

Human: "... Ah." <looks at flashing lights on console> "They appear to be hailing us>"

<Camilian and Egrat scuttle backwards away from the console>

Human: "... Thanks a bunch, guys." <presses hail pick-up button> "This is Communications Officer Haley Makini of the Starboat Fribling, how may I help you ?"

Parg Ship: "This is Zek of Parg."

Human: "Hello Zek! How are you this day-cycle?"

Parg Ship: "..."

Human: "I for one have been missing my family lately, I got a vidcall from my little sister and cousins - same-generation kin-people - and they told me my cousin Wendy is getting married to her girlfriend Mila, isn't that nice? So I'm really hoping I can make it to the wedding - that's romantic lifebond ceremony - because otherwise they'd all be sad they told me so. Do you have any family - lifemates or brood or other kin-people back in your home-system Zek?"

Parg Ship: "...Zek of Parg has brood of five. All Smallings, but soon Biglings. Soon."

Human: "Oh! You must be so proud of them!"

Parg Ship: "... Yah. Good future replacements for Parent-bodies for Glory of Parg."

Human: 'And that's all any of us could want! Imagine how sad our kin would be if either of us were to fail to make it back home! That's why I want to help your ship Zek, in any way we can. The Fribling is only a small ship, but we have some surplus goods and skills to offer if you need anything from us."

<long pause>

<No one on board the Fribling speaks, but Egrat has anxiously chewed their claws to the quick>

Parg Ship: "Have Lucrum cable? Parg Ship under engine in poor condition, jury-rig not hold, need hitch-tow to Dellar System."

Human: "Oh, That's only 8 parsecs away. Sure, hah, we can manage that. No problem."

<78 minutes later, after the two ships have been attached via Lucrum cable>

Parg Ship: "... What kind are you?"

Human: "Huh? ...oh, I'm a human. I'm from Sol 3, Earth."

Parg Ship: "... Parg remember this. Parg remember Haley Mikini. Parg remember Human."

Human: <blinks> "... Thank you!"

<communication connection closes from Parg end>

<Human sinks to ground, hand on chest, hyperventilating slightly>

Human: "HolyfuckhowdidIpullthatoffohholyfuck!"

Camilian: "Wait, you were scared too?"

Human: <glaring> :Cam, we've worked together how long? I'd have thought that by now you'd trust my threat assessment abilities. Phew! That one was so close I felt the breeze going past."

Egrat: "... How. How did you just do that?"

Human: "It's no hard. Stay calm, just keep smiling, and build a rapport by pretending to care about their problems, and meanwhile showing that you're a real thinking being. Tends to defuse situations rather than escalate then."

Egrat: "... I think I saw what you did, but where did you learn how to do that?"

Human: "5 years customer service experience."

Found on Tumblr by thegrape-gastby &beka-tiddalik