Humans Are Space Orcs

Phobias

⚠️Level 3 Language warning!⚠️

You know, I really all love those, "Earth is Space Australia" ideas, and humans as the super tough, super unflappable space badasses who can smile in the face of any danger and who will pet anything that mostly isn't toxic and sits still long enough. I adore them. However, sometimes I do wonder... do aliens have phobias?

Because I can't help thinking that somewhere in the future universe there's that one human who went to space because spaceships are relatively sterile environments and therefore in space there are "less bugs". And the one day a guest come onto the ship and their multillegged pet comes slithering out from under their fashionable collar, and suddenly from the back of the shuttle bay, there's this high-pitched, hysterical screaming. And the alien crew turn around, and there is their human, their badass, amazing tough human, the one who managed to survive with half of her leg torn off that one time long enough to make it back to medbay, the one who bluffed the space pirates for a full half cycle without so much as a quiver, the one who had to be forcibly restrained from petting the nine-foot slavering hregallar on Threlanix because apparently, they were "adorable babies". That human, their human, is suddenly clinging to the ceiling in blatant defiance of the ship's artificial gravity and wailing her head off in absolute terror over a pathetic little xhilitin. The tiny, stupidly harmless insects that about 16 different species keep as pets because of their jeweled carapaces are lovely and decorative and they're so dumb and harmless that they'll cheerfully sit on your hat as an ornament from here until infinity.

So the mildly shell shocked aliens try and calm their human down and they get her to be med bay and they're asking, "Are the xhilitin on earth dangerous?" Which probably, because apparently everything on Earth is deadly, but none of it has ever terrified their human before, and their absolutely mortified human is going, "No, well yes, some of them are, that's not the point, it doesn't matter if they're dangerous or not, I just don't fucking like them, ok? Please never let one aboard the ship again. I will love you forever and fight off a hundred pirates for you if you just keep the creepy legged little fuckers the hell away from me, I'm so fucking serious right now, I am begging you."

And she is absolutely deadly serious, and it makes no sense whatsoever, but suddenly the entire crew 100% for never, ever letting another xhilitin aboard the ship again. Because, well, she would fight off a hundred pirates for them, she has fought off a hundred pirates for them, she dragged herself back with half her leg torn off that one time after saving Lehm, and Ehletol from the nine-foot slavering beasties she still thinks are adorable. There is no rational reason in the universe for her to be afraid of the xhilitin, but it doesn't matter, because she is, and that means this ship is suddenly a no-insect zone from now until forever.

Because hey, humans are tough, humans are insane, humans come from Space Australia, but sometimes they're randomly terrified of ridiculously harmless things, and that's okay. That's okay. That just means that sometimes aliens get a chance to look out for their humans in return.

Found on Tumblr By honourablejester

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm thinking about doing either a Percy Jackson, or Harry Potter one of these. What do you guys think? Let me know in the comments!