Humans Are Space Orcs

Chameleons & Dating

So y'all know about how stealth is a big thing on our planet, right? Predators use it to catch prey, prey uses it to avoid predators, etc., etc. What if that's exclusively an earth thing?

Like, if death worlds were rare and the need for stealth was less needed or even non-existent it'd be pretty surprising to aliens to find out just how important stealth is and how good humans (and Earth animals in general)are at it.

Smaller humans can curl up into tight spaces to hide. Camouflage is something we're very good at with things like ghillie suits and camo face paint to make ourselves near invisible.

We're pretty good at staying still and will even cover our mouths to make our breathing quieter. Sometimes we even sneak up on people without meaning to. We've gotten so good at hiding, we can even hide in plain sight.

Hell, even a portion of our entertainment contains stealth, we have children's games like hide and seek that make us better at it and there's even an entire genre of video game dedicated to it. Suffice to say stealth is something we're pretty ok at.

Now imagine a human is put onto an alien ship as a crewmate and as the aliens learn more about humanity they decide to play hide and seek to learn more about us.

They go around and find the other races pretty easily, but they can't find the human.

After 30 minutes they get a bit annoyed.

After 1 hour they're a bit worried.

After 3 hours they're panicking that they just lost their human friend and begin running around the ship screaming that they give up and begging the human to come out.

The human stands up from behind a pipe or something and asks why the crew couldn't find them. What proceeds, are Aliens becoming utterly horrified at our ability to remain concealed so well for so long.

Long story short, they never play hide and seek again.

Found on tumblr by areindeerlime

Been thinking about the "humans are space orcs" tag recently. There just aren't enough dating etiquette posts. Slight NSFW ahead, just a teeny weeny bit.

So, what if there is a very socially reserved aliens species, that no matter to whom they are speaking, it's always extremely professional, cold, and business-like.

Not that they are incapable of emotions, it's just extremely taboo in their culture to show emotional attachment and affection in public, like saying simple things like, "I like you" to a friend, or saying you enjoy watching a movie genre. Even in private they rarely open up.

Then one day an alien ambassador starts dating a human out of curiosity and they experience something akin to religious enlightenment. Just a simple movie dinner date and compliments make them feel as spoiled and smothered as royalty.

They become extremely confused and ask their fellow mix species co-workers if the human has ulterior motives because "Oh Gods, Kevin complimented my way of dressing AND suggested a short stroll along the beach AS OUR DATE! But it's ONLY our 20th meeting!!!"

The humans all tell them they are overreacting, and that the aforementioned is super vanilla for a one-year-long relationship.

Some humans start giving the ambassador examples of fun human dates like going to the amusement park, a convention, a diner, a cinema, etc. During which their species' co-workers are completely silent. You can see the gears turning in some of their heads...

Not soon after, there is a sudden explosion of romantic novels and movies on the aliens' entertainment black market, all featuring human love interests of all genders and races. Owning a copy of Fifty Shades of Gray or Twilight is considered the most "sinful" act in alien history, but low-key everyone wants a copy. Human-lover cliches ensue...

They all start trying to court humans and find out that, yes, sex can actually be recreational and fun. Who knew? OnlyFans subscriptions skyrocket and every rich man or woman has a very enthusiastic alien sugar baby.

Depression and suicide rates start going down amongst the aliens to the point, that doctors start prescribing good healthy romantic movies to patients...

There are two types of people amongst the alien race: one who wants to fuck the Terrans, and one who is so mortified by the way Terrans court that they now know to "never accept any proposals".

Whenever a human gets recruited on a previously alien-only ship, the Terran will inevitably go through a "surprise Harem" experience. But fret not, since the alien species are quite respectable, they will back off if you say no, just don't be surprised when they start binging The Shape of Water on repeat to mend their 3 broken hearts.

Rumor has it that an alien general known for their strict attitude and indestructible Pokerface melted like a high school girl when a Terran female showed interest.

Found on tumblr by catmetchu