Humans Are Space Orcs

Death World

So there has been a bit of 'what if humans were the weird ones?' going around on Tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes! What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather?

What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all like, "SCORE! Earth like world! Let's go exploring before we get out competed!" And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just... there... counting the seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving.

To paraphrase one of my favorite bits of a "humans are awesome" fanfiction megapost: "You don't know you're from a Death World until you leave it." For a ton of reasons, I really like the idea of Earth being Space Australia.

Okay but imagine explaining the concept of Australians to aliens who have picked space Australians as slang for humans.

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With a flick of an inner tentacle, the N'tauri gambling master dropped a venomous crefcraw into the center of the game table. The reaction was immediate.

Four fuzzy Limonstaars shrieked and dropped under the table to huddle in a mass of quivering fur. the three Kakrusch slammed on the face plates and into the farthest corner like a particularly anxious avalanche. The Ighenou, the spider like creature whose species name translated into, "Oh gods no get it off!" in a surprising number of languages, froze in the act of reaching for its pile of winnings and decided playing dead was the better part of valor.

Three of the four humans glanced hesitantly at one another. Not recognizing one of the most feared and lethal being, notorious for it bad temper and willingness to strike anything that came near it out of an all consuming rage, or because it was hungry, or bored, or it was Tuesday. They were silently debating the options of hiding with the Limonstaars (cuddly!) of behind the Kakrusch (a solid barrier) when the fourth human at the table knocked back her drink and set the empty glass upside down over the the irate little hissing thing which immediately started slamming a stinger half the size of its body against the glass.

"Oi! Igghie!" She reached a long brown arm and slid a flimsy sheet from the bottom of the pile. "I'm gonna borrow ya creds." Slipping the credit sheet under the glass she lifted the tiny prison and its increasingly angry inhabitant and strolled over to the violently trembling N'tauri. "So, does this go back to yo or should I just chuck it behind the bar for you?" She held out the glass expectantly. The N'tauri keened and slumped to the floor. 

"Incinerate it!" growled one of the Kakrusch, a cacophony of agreement roared through the bar.

"Ah, where do I do that then?"

"Out the corridor, s-second door to the right." One of the Limonstaars piped up, fluffy ears barely visible over the table. 

"Cheer, back soon!"

One by one the other aliens crept back towards the table, picking up their cards and glaring at the gambling master.

"They warned me about Terrans," the quivering mass of tentacle jelly wailed. "Whatever you're thinking, don't try it on a Terran. Those space australians will probably think it's a proposition or a snack!"

One of the remaining humans reached out and patted the N'tauri approximately where it's shoulder should be. "I wouldn't worry about it." He soothed, "I'm a Terran and I was terrified."

"Well what the flying feschnark was she then?!" the N'tauri shrieked.

"Oh, you didn't hear her accent? That was a real Australian."

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Who doesn't need The Crocodile Hunter in space, I mean really...

"Hey mate! Look what I found under that rock! Isn't it awesome!"

Quilx'tch leapt back from the writhing mass of scales, impossibly tiny (and razor sharp) talons, and apparently pure hate that the human was holding out to him with a wide smile.

"Tom," Quilx'tch said, hoping that the had mastered the tones to project firmness to the human. "Is that dangerous?"

"Naw! Not a bit!" The human scoffed.

"I mean is it dangerous to me?" Quilx'tch clarified. "Or anyone of my approximate size?"

and my lack of insanity Quilx'tch thought privately.

He could see the thought process going on behind the humans two giant eyes as Tom looked back and forth between the toothy horror in his hands and the nutritionist. A frown creased his face. *That means he is either thinking or discomforted* 

"Well I don't think so," Tom said slowly. "I mean it is pretty slow. You should be able to outrun it easy enough."

"So your definition of dangerous," Quilx'tch said, "is that it can't kill you it it can't catch you?"

"Yup!" Tom nodded eagerly and thrust the horror forward again. "Ain't she beautiful?"

Found on Tumblr by arctixfoxbear, arafaelkestra, radioactivepeasant, buginateacup, ramavoite, & authorbettyadams