Sunshine After The Rain

Chapter Forty-Four

Once the lights were turned off in Ella's room, Sophie closed the door behind her gently and went to check on Justin, who hated being tucked in at his age, but had allowed Lucas to come in to say goodnight to him. When she heard their voices, Sophie remained in the hallway.

"So, you're staying in town, but you aren't staying here," Justin spoke, sounding as if he was trying to work through whatever Lucas explained to him.

"Exactly."

"Is it because you want to date my mom?"

Sophie had spoken to her son a few months ago about her feelings for Lucas. She'd remained vague considering the amount of time she'd spent crying that day, avoiding detail so she didn't burst into tears in front of her son. 

There was no flat out admission of her love, but if he read between the lines, Justin could have easily seen it. He knew she was sad after Lucas left that day, and was sad from their time apart as well. He also knew Lucas was sad during that time as well. After that, the two hadn't spoken much about it. They talked briefly after Lucas' admission to her when Justin asked if that's where she went. Then talked again after Thanksgiving when he noticed things had gotten better between the two, but that was about it.

"Yeah, buddy, it's because I want to date your mom. I know it must seem weird to you since you and I are blood related, but her and I aren't. You know that, right?"

"I know," Justin confirmed. "And I know you love her, or you wouldn't have been so sad not being able to hang out with her for all that time before, and she was sad all the time too. But she was also sad when you guys were hanging out. Not at first, but whenever she went to go see you without us. Mom told me before that if you guys make each other sad either way, it was time to let go."

"When did your mom say that?" Lucas asked him, his voice remaining steady and calm throughout the conversation so far. 

Sophie hadn't realized those words would come back to bite her in the ass, but there they were. It seemed true enough at the time she said them.

"After you showed up at our house that day and were waiting in the yard looking all mad. And not long before that, she spent the night crying on grandma. It was right after she saw you that time too.

"Mom doesn't know this, but when grandma told me to go up to my room, I went upstairs, but I closed the door to make it sound like I was in there. I wasn't, though. I stayed by stairs because mom was so sad all the time, and I didn't know why."

Sophie's body tensed in the hallway. She'd been half in the bag that night, and can't fully remember everything she said, but Sophie did remember she'd had enough to drink that her filter wasn't working anymore. 

"You shouldn't eavesdrop on other people's conversations, kid. Not when they're that upset."

"I know, but she was hurting so bad, and acting like she was fine around us when I know she wasn't. She told grandma about how she changed herself to be good enough for my dad, but he cheated on her anyhow."

"Listen, buddy, I'm sorry you had to hear all that. Your mom didn't want you to find out that way, but I promise you that she did plan on telling you about the affair when you and Ella were old enough."

"I can keep a secret from Ella if that's what she's worried about. I still haven't told her and I won't. I'm good at keeping secrets. My dad wasn't very nice to my mom. I loved him a lot, but I was also real angry at him. He never spent time with any of us. He made my mom sad all the time."

She could hear Lucas' heavy breath from the hallway, then heard the spring of Justin's mattress buckle under the weight she guessed was Lucas'. "Your dad wasn't perfect. He had a lot of flaws. I know he loved you, and your sister, and your momma, but those flaws just got the best of him."

"I'm still angry at you too," Justin admitted. "I love you, just like I love my dad, but you both made me angry."

"Because I made her sad?" Lucas guessed.

Oh shit. It was all starting to come back to her now.

"Because you made her feel special like my dad never did and got her hopes up. Then you had sex with her and told her you didn't want her anymore. She said you made her feel like trash and made her feel like she wasn't worth loving. That's what she told grandma. I remember it real good because I've never heard my mom that upset before, and she was crying for days afterwards. She kept telling us everything was fine, but that was a lie. 

"You hurt her worse than my dad ever did, and that's why I'm still mad at you, and that's why I don't think you guys should date. She's happy now, but she was happy before around you until you started making her sad all the time."

Sophie's body slid down the wall and her hands shook in her grasp. For her young son to have heard all of that and noticed the extent of her pain... Sophie couldn't help but feel like a failure as a mother. She was supposed to protect him from all that. 

"I'm going to be honest with you, buddy. Your mother and I were having a tough time back then. But I told her before, and now I'm telling you, that it had nothing to do with her. You need to hear something, and I'm not sure if you'll understand it, but I need to try to explain it to you anyhow. Do you remember when I told you about Arianna?"

"Your daughter. She died when she was real young."

"And you know that sometimes people talk to someone they lost, after they died."

"Ella talked to dad all the time until we moved here."

"After Arianna died, I didn't just still talk to her. I saw her. Not just out of the corner of my eye, but like she was right in front of me, as clear as you or me. And when I talked to her, she answered. My mind ended up keeping her alive like nothing had ever changed. Like she'd never gotten sick and never died. 

"After a year or so, my wife was trying to move on from our loss, but couldn't do it because I was still living this normal life married with a daughter. She left me when I refused to get help, and I became a single father to a daughter who wasn't really there. 

"After my business went under and I lost everyone who mattered to me, I tried to let go of her by moving back to North Carolina. But after I got settled in, Arianna showed up again. I thought maybe I could lead a double life this time. Maybe I could keep my daughter, and start over and make something of myself again. 

"It worked for a while. I started a new business, made some friends, reconnected with my mom. No one knew that once I was home, I was still a father to a little girl who kept on growing in front of my eyes like she were still alive. I'd make us dinner and watch the movies she wanted to watch. I'd drive her to school and go shopping for her. 

"Then your dad died and your mom came into my life, along with you and your sister, and that double life I was living stopped being so easy. I found a purpose outside of my daughter, which was taking care of all of you, but the more I let the three of you into my life, the more I could feel the other part of me fading away. 

"I fell in love with your momma. I didn't want to, but I also didn't want to fight it because it was real love and not the figment I'd been surviving off of for years. That night you heard her talking to your grandma, you're right. We shared something that day. We both admitted we loved one another and that the distance we'd put between us was doing more harm than the good it was meant to. 

"That day I had to make a decision. Loving your momma fully and becoming a part of her life meant that I would have to say goodbye to my daughter. I couldn't keep being both men. Except that I wasn't ready to say goodbye, so instead I pushed away the woman I loved. She didn't know about the life I shared with my daughter at the time because I was too ashamed to tell her. But I did tell her later on, and promised your momma that someday I would say goodbye to my daughter, and I'd come find her. That's what I did, and that's why I'm here. Because living my life without Sophie in it isn't living at all.

"It's a lot to understand, but this won't be. Give me six months, Justin. Give me six months to prove to you that I can love your momma in the way she deserves to be loved, and give her all the happiness that's due to her."

"Six months," Justin agreed.