Sunshine After The Rain

Chapter Thirty

Sophie was halfway through her second bottle of wine by the time the children came home. All Laura needed was a single short glance in her direction to see Sophie halfway between numb and neurotic.

"Kids, why don't you go up to your rooms?"

Her children, who would normally argue, walked passed the living room and up the stairs. Sophie cuddled herself deeper into the couch and waited until she heard both doors close. "I remember being surprised that Jason ever gave me the time of day. He was so handsome and intelligent. Everyone loved him. I was just this silly freshman with stars in her eyes and zero social skills. The entire time we were dating, before I got pregnant, I was waiting for him to come to his senses and dump my ass.

"I was never anything special. My family barely had enough money to put food on the table. If it wasn't for scholarships, I wouldn't have been able to go to college. The only skill I ever had was painting, but I was never remarkable at it. I was always average; a girl a guy might flirt with at a bar after a few drinks, but never one who turned someone's head as she passed."

"Sophie, Sweetheart-"

"So I changed for him. I tried to be prettier, bubbly, charming, dress like someone who deserved him would dress. All these years, I've felt like an imposter in my own life. I was just faking it, pretending to be someone who could fit in and was desirable. When I figured out he was having an affair, it didn't surprise me like it should have. Years of waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it did. Jason came to his senses, and I wasn't even angry about it until after he died, because he should have been with someone who didn't have to fake being special. He wasted so many years with me, wasted his entire adult life."

Laura sat on the far end of the couch, placing her purse on the end table. "You are special, Sophie, and no time he spent with you was wasted."

Sophie let out a quiet laugh before taking another drink of her wine straight from the bottle. "You and I both know I was never good enough for your son, and I think a part of him knew that too.

"But when Lucas came into my life, he made me feel special and cared for. He didn't want me to change anything about myself to better fit him. Having him around made me feel like less of a failure. It strengthened me. I don't feel strong anymore, Laura."

A hand cupped hers and Sophie looked up from Laura's gesture. "What happened with Lucas?"

Sophie shook her head, feeling her eyes fill with tears for the tenth time that day. "He doesn't want me either," she admitted, the words coming out a whisper. "He said he did, screwed me, then changed his mind. Told me it wasn't worth the risk. I walked into that house with hope, then walked out feeling like nothing more than a cheap lay. So tell me how special I am, Laura, because two men I trusted enough to sleep with didn't think I was so special. They both threw me away like yesterday's trash."

Laura pulled Sophie against her body, and the tears flowed unapologetically.

"Why doesn't anyone want me?" Sophie cried out. "Am I that fucking difficult to love?"

"You aren't," Laura whispered. "There is nothing wrong with you, Sophie. You are beautiful and kind and stronger than anyone I've ever met. I don't know what got into Lucas, but I swear you are worth loving."

Sophie wiped off the snot below her nose with her sleeve. There'd been so much heartache and misery that year, so much suffering. From the first suspicions of Jason's infidelity, to him leaving her, to his death. Lucas was her beacon of hope in the darkest of hours. Now the light wasn't just dimming as it had been the last two months, but the last of it ripped away, leaving her unable to see the world around her. Unable to breathe in the shadows.

All the words he spoke to her now felt so hollow, vicious little reminders to look back on. Too perfect to be real, Sophie now knew the truth hidden behind them. All his actions, one thing after another pushing her away. From the way he demanded space to the way he fucked her rather than showing her the love he spoke of.

The game he played with her heart was so much worse than the one Jason had played. At least with Jason, she could feel the hope and love slip away. With Lucas, it was all ripped out from under her. No preparing, no time to check out emotionally. He'd known before they ever had sex that he'd send her away, stripped of her dignity. He must have known. So why even go after her? Was Lucas so selfish that he couldn't allow things to end on her terms rather than his own?

Lucas spoke of not wanting to risk another loss, but didn't every real love hold the promise of risk? Love wasn't perfect. Love wasn't something simple. It was messy and flawed and had so many complex levels to keep it burning. There were always challenges with love and keeping it was never a guarantee.

The love Sophie thought they shared didn't differ from any other. It was that messy love that left you in a blissful turmoil. It was the flawed love that wouldn't make sense to some, yet made perfect sense to her. Or did. There were complex levels she prepared to face with him by her side. If only Lucas wanted the love enough to stand next to her.