We Can See STARS

Chapter 19: Why am I Here??

"No! Screw you! I can't believe I did all of this, that I moved here only for you to treat me like this!!"

"D! I don't know what you're talking about!!" Jamie responded to my outburst with frustration of his own.

I paced around the house looking for my coat, wallet and keys to go for a drive. Jamie tried in vain to follow me around. My anger made me walk a little faster and more frantically around the house.

"D! Where the hell are you going??"

"Literally anywhere you're not! That would be preferable." I made my way to the garage and to the car. In that time, he had slipped on his sandals and came running after me.

"You don't want to talk about this?"

I stopped before getting in the car and eyed him down some more. "Jamie! Are you f*cking kidding me?? I DO NOT want to talk about this. Not with anyone and especially not with you!" I plopped myself the rest of the way into the car and watched his mouth move as he tried to respond to me before throwing his hands up and walking back into the building. He can be mad. I don't care. He knows what he did and I can't believe that he thought that would be okay. I didn't really know Dallas too well yet so I just picked a road and drove until I was out of the city.

I could not stop my mind from spinning out from what I was still not convinced was an 'innocent' response. After an hour and a half of driving, I reached a small park with a lake, got out of the car and sat on a nearby bench. It had been on and off raining all day and it was slightly wet, but I didn't care. My head ached with all the overthinking and I couldn't help but cry and believe that this might be the end of us. It was certainly a hard pill to swallow. As much as he drove me insane sometimes, I had never loved anyone as intensely as I love him.

—-

4 months in Dallas and no job. I knew it would take a while but this was getting ridiculous. Jamie, of course, loved having me home but I hated having to ask for money. So to make the best of the situation, I decided to play housewife in between job searching. I'd go food shopping for us, cook just about every night, put away leftovers, and keep things clean. There were some things he still insisted on doing so, honestly, I did not fight him on it.

During the off season, he took me up to Toronto again. This time, I was way more comfortable with his family. Occasionally, I caught his mom smiling warmly at me as if she knew something I didn't. Overall, we spent our time there at a nearby lake, his family would barbecue, and we would just relax. He still would get up early to get a workout in so he didn't get out of shape. There were a few times some other Toronto guys would invite him for some pickup games and I would go for support. They wouldn't play at regular season intensity but they definitely weren't playing at the usual average level.

Being away certainly didn't help with the job search and Jamie's mom suggested I try to work from home. It was definitely an interesting idea and I was qualified as a child and family therapist so I thought I would give it a try and do it virtually. Definitely not as much money as face to face but it wasn't why I wanted to do it.

A couple of weeks after we got home, I started feeling restless, tired of doing the same things week in and week out. Stars' training camp started and I was left on my own a lot too. I was starting to slightly regret moving to Dallas. During the summer, it was fine. He was always around and we took a few trips but now the season was around the corner and he would be missing a lot more. Once again, I still hadn't managed to find a job in time for the school year.

When he was home, we'd often hang out in the same room doing our own things. Those were always my favorite times. Occasionally, he'd come to the couch if I was sitting there, rest his head in my lap and lay the rest of himself across the couch. It never took very long for his eyes to close, especially if I removed his hat and started massaging his head through those blond curls of his.