We Can See STARS

Future Chapter 23: Lukko to Home

After a nearly sleepless night, I cracked my eyes open to find yet another drawing on my bedside table. A simple one this time: a rain cloud with a sun peeking out from behind it. A sign for me that he knew. He knew that the darkness was back. I tried to hide it but I should've known I couldn't hide it from him. With this knowledge came tears from under the covers. The darkness came with doubt, fear, guilt. Doubt that I was actually loved by my family, fear that everything I tried to do failed, and guilt that I was messing up my kids for life. While my mind tortured me and cycled through negatives constantly, I ached to my bones and constantly had a headache while my heart felt like it wanted to stop.

"Mama!!" Jojo jumped on the bed, trying to get my attention. "Mama! Mama! Mama!"

I didn't want him to see me crying but I didn't want him to think I was ignoring him so I peeked my head from under the covers. "Hi baby bear!"

He got in my face and shook his head while yelling, "good morniiiiiiiiiiiiing mama!" before kissing my face.

"Thank you baby."

He stopped his crazy antics and looked at me curiously. "Mama, why are you crying?"

"It's nothing baby. I'm just very tired."

He kept looking at me before coming to sit next to my head, kissing my face and clumsily pushing my hair back. The same thing I normally did for him when he was crying.

"Are you better mama?"

"So much better! Thank you baby bear." He kissed me one more time before skipping out of the room.

Moments later, Jamie walked into the room. "Hey kid." That little tattletale! He came and laid on the covers, staring me down. "It's back, huh?" I just nodded my head as the tears came back. "Did you take your meds today?" I nodded again, crying more. "Did you eat?"

"I'm not hungry." I sniffled. He tilted his head and twisted his face in frustration.

Without replying, he got up and returned minutes later with a bowl of cereal, "eat!"

Reluctantly, I sat up and took the bowl from him. For a moment we sat in silence while Jamie gripped my leg. "How long have you started feeling like this again?"

I sniffled, feeling silly for crying while eating a bowl of cereal in bed. "Like, a month? I don't think my meds are working anymore."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Feeling silly. Thinking it would go away. You were busy and I didn't want to disappoint you and the boys."

"D, the boys love you. I love you. Your brain is lying to you. Do we need to go to the doctor's?" I shook my head. The last thing I wanted was for him to be worried about me.

"I can't eat anymore and I don't wanna talk." I handed the bowl to him and shrunk back down into the covers, feeling waves of tears and sobbing coming on. "I'm sorry babe. I'm so sorry." On and off through the day, he would stay with me and go hang out with the boys. Back and forth.

Occasionally, one or both of the boys would come and join us and I'd do my best to hide the fact I've been crying to talk to them.

Before Jamie's next batch of games, he made an appointment for me to see my psychiatrist from back home over the internet and made sure I got my meds. He took amazing care of the boys while I did my best to get better and he made sure that I ate at least twice a day. Even though I felt awful and useless, and told him this from time to time, he did everything he could to help me come back.

After a few weeks of this, it felt like the sun finally came back out again gradually. I didn't spend as much time in bed and felt less guilty thinking I was a terrible wife and mother. When we had a quiet moment to ourselves, Jamie made me promise I would not get that bad again before saying anything.