Puhon

Simula

I wasn't the type of girl that would beg for a man to stay with me. If he wants to go, then so be it. I have set my standards way too high for someone to just reach it, that easily. And I've made up my mind that I would never, never in this world gonna compromise it.

Then he came. Ethan Jayce Trevon came. With no signals, no warning air, no chance at all that I could go down beyond my set standards. Damn, he made me fall in love, deep in love.

He was the most beautiful version of brokenness. He was standing there, with his deep expressive eyes, pointed nose and his thick eyebrows that O really love. My heart raced and ached at the same time. Shit, why don't we just fall in love with the person who will willingly love us as well?

"She's a strong woman, a caring daughter and sister, a one call away friend, an achiever, a loving girlfriend. She used to be world." Malalim na ang gabi, pero wala na yatang mas lalalalim pa sa pagmamahal ng lalaking ito kay Grae. Mapait akong ngumiti at iniwas ang tingin ko sa kanya. Binalik naman niya ang tingin niya sa kawalan at marahang sinuklay ang maayos naman niyang buhok.

Ang dami kong gustong sabihin, pero parang ayaw lumabas ng mga 'yon. Ang swerte swerte ng babaeng tinutukoy niya.

Narinig ko ang maliit na tawa mula sa kanya, pero bakas doon ang sakit, lungkot at pangungulila.

"No, she's still my world. Tangina pero miss na miss ko na." Aniya at mariing pinikit ang mga mata. Marahil sa tindi ng sakit na nararamdaman, ay hindi na nito napigilan pa ang tuloy tuloy na luhang lumalabas sa mga magaganda nitong mga mata.

I bit my lip as I stared at the man who's currently living inside my heart but keeps on wanting to go back to his home, and that's not me. Mabilis kong pinunasan ng nagbabadyang luhang nais lumabas sa mga mata ko at tumawa ng pagak.

"Sobrang mahal mo talaga 'no?" I asked him though I already know the answer to my question. Girl, keep on hurting yourself.

Sandali itong tumingin sa akin. I felt like my world is looking at me without him knowing that he's invading someone's heart and doesn't have any want to be a part of it. Mariin akong lumunok at nag iwas ng tingin.

"Sobra, tangina pero higit pa sa sobra." Aniya na unti unting pumunit sa puso ko. God! If I can just take his pain, but I know I am too weak to get it from him because I'm suffering as well. Siya kasi wala na sila ng babaeng mahal niya, at ako na patagong nagmamahal sa lalaking hindi pa rin nakakalimot sa sakit ng nakaraan niya.

Months of being with him as his friend, this was his first time telling me this. I sighed, reason that he looked back at me. Alam ko namang pagsisihan ko 'tong sasabihin ko eh. Pero sa huli pa naman.

"What are the possibilities of falling in love with the person who can't love us back?" I asked outof nowhere. Still looking at the wide grassland in front of us, I waited for his answer. I felt him looked at me.

"Just like the possibility of not keeping the promise a two in love person made. Pain." Siya at binalik ang paningin sa kawalan.

Yeah, pain.  One word but the hell what can it do to you.  I sniffed trying to control my tears. Love is gamble, you may win, you may lose. It's all up to the destiny. Shit happens.

I know he's too broken to mend. He's too in love with Grae. I can't even make him like me. This will hurt...big time.

"You want to move on?" I asked him.

"I want to stop the pain, but I don't want to move on. If moving on means forgetting her and our memories, then I don't want to." Si Ej.

"But you have to move forward, Ej."

He nodded with a visible pain in his eyes. Fvck.

"I know I have to. Fvck, I have to but then I don't want to, Denise. Kasi gusto ko pa eh, gusto ko pang masaktan kasi mahal ko yung tao."

"No Ej, ayaw mo magmove on kasi umaasa ka pang babalik siya." There I know I hit a spot. He looked at me with his tired eyes.

"You're harsh." Aniya at pabirong tumawa kahit na alam kong tama ako.

If he only knows how harsh he is for telling me everything about Grae, it's killing me. They're killing me.

"I'm right." Segundo ko.

Tumango man ay kumuha ito ng bato at itinapon sa malayo. I just looked at what he is doing.

"Ej, what if she won't back?"

"I...I don't know."

Paulit ulit ko lang sasaktan ang sarili ko habang tinatago ko ito. Alam ko naman na mali ang magmahal ng taong hindi pa tapos magmahal ng iba, pero nandito na eh.

"You know what? Kung gano'n man, susugal ako Denise. She deserves it, yung susugal panalo man o talo. Hindi ko malalaman hangga't di ko gagawin.

Wow, this is what I am thinking about. Kung matalo man, then I'll be happy for him. I love this man. I love this broken man. And I want to be his healing, even if this mean that I will be the one to suffer in the end. I closed my eyes. One sign. If he calls my name, then I'll confess.

"Graenielle Kim, her name is as beautiful as her." Anito. Unti unting tumulo ang mga luha ko, nanatili akong palihim na umiiyak. My name Ej, not hers. Screw signs.

"I am in love." Diretsa kong sabi habang diretsong nakatingin sa mga mata nito. It's reflecting the thousand stars above.

Kumunot lang ang noo nito at natawa.

"Congrats." Simpleng sabi niya at ngumiti sa akin.

"I am in love with you." I repeated, clearer this time. He looked shock. Ang mga magagandang mata nito ay unti unting dumilim.

Kasabay ng pag angkin ng mga bituin sa dilim, alam kong patuloy kong aangkinin ang taong kahit kailan ay hindi naman magiging akin.