Dancing in the Dark ✓

16 | theo

Sasha and I set to work, walking around the bleachers to pick up any rubbish left behind -- mostly paper cups and paper bags from the food and drinks. 

"I can't believe our schoolmates can't just pick up after themselves," Sasha muttered. "I thought Canadians were more polite than most? Did you see how the Japanese audience picked up rubbish at the World Cup?" 

I sighed. "We definitely have things to learn. Anyways, we should talk about how you danced really well tonight." 

"Thanks," she smiled distractedly. 

"Are you really not considering picking up dance again?"

She hummed. "I mean, it's nice to feel like you're a part of a team for a short while, but there's always going to be inevitable problems arising. It reminds me that conflict can't be avoided when human beings get together, so I find solace with being alone again."

I decided to not prod and focused at the task at hand. After a few minutes of silence, occasionally broken by the sound of the plastic bag I was holding, she looked at me. "You alright?" 

I arched an eyebrow. "Ditto." 

She rolled her eyes, but a small smile lifted the corners of her lips. "Touché. I was just thinking about the people who came to see me. Did anyone come to see you?" 

"Not tonight," I replied. "I mean, you could count Leilani, Deandre and people I know, but not my actual family. But it's alright, because they typically do come and watch, just not this time." 

She nodded, bending to pick up an empty can of Coke. "As much as people deny it, it does make a difference hey, knowing you have people you care about watching you."

My surprise must've shown on my face, because one glance at me sent her chuckling. "Am I being too melodramatic?"

"No, no, I like it," I rushed to say. "Must be the night vibes." 

She nodded. "My Dad was on night shift, so he couldn't be here. I'm used to my parents not showing up, but it still affects me, and I kinda hate that." 

I smiled sadly. "I wish my Dad could watch me, too. He's probably watching from heaven, though."

She paused, processing the news. "I'm sorry he isn't here, Theo. Bet he would be really proud of you, if he really is watching." 

"I hope so," I laughed under my breath. "Sorry, am I getting too sentimental?"

"You can talk it out if you need to -- I can just listen." 

I lifted my gaze to the dark sky above us. "It's been a whole six years, and some days I think I've healed, but other days his absence still hits me. Long story short, there was a neighbourhood fire on my twelfth birthday. I remember it really vividly, because when my Dad shook me awake, I thought that it was time to celebrate -- but the living room was filled with smoke. He was a firefighter, and had drilled us on what we should do in the event of a fire, so I trusted him when he told me to head outside first to Mom, that he would be alright, that he was going back inside to get Faith, my older sister."

I exhaled shakily. "Mom was outside with Noelle, but when I turned around to look for Dad, our house crumbled. Faith only made it because she was under a table, but still got third and fourth degree burns, which you probably saw her scars when you were at our place. Our family hasn't really been the same since. Mom tried her best to support us financially, and Faith gave up her university plans as well to help out -- and I guess I haven't really processed it properly, as I focused on supporting Noelle, who lost Dad when she was only eight years old. Sure, Mom sent me for counselling, but I still have days where I wish I had woken up earlier --" 

"Stop," she interrupted sternly. "Don't do that -- guilting yourself. There's no point in wishing we could change the past, is there? We shouldn't let the past affect our present, or our future."

Our gazes locked once again, and I wordlessly sat down on one of the bleachers, her silently joining me. Suddenly desperate to find a connection in my vulnerability, I asked, "May I ask about your Mom? I completely understand if it's too personal --" 

"Sure," she sighed. "It's been a long time coming -- I can't avoid the topic forever. Well, my parents recently got divorced. They started having major fights when I was in Grade 9, and it just got worse as time passed. My mom had enough and left at the beginning of my Grade 10, to Los Angeles. At first, she would call Joshua and I during the holidays, until she didn't anymore. Zero contact since Lunar New Year. I don't really blame my Dad for being emotionally constipated and jaded whenever he comes home either -- he grew up in a strict family, and he's busy working at the hospital most of the time. I can't hate my parents -- they're not horrible people. They're the ones who fought like mad to keep Joshua, to not abort him. But I wish they were better, too."

I tried, and failed, to reign in my tumultuous emotions. When a tear started to streak down my cheek, Sasha's turned petrified.

"Great," she murmured, tossing me a tissue. "I've made THE Theo Atkinson cry."

I couldn't help but bark a laugh through my tears, which were free-flowing now. "I think I needed this -- love a good therapeutic cry session occasionally."

She stared at me as if I had lost my mind. "Um, I read somewhere once that when we cry, our body releases endorphins and oxytocin. I guess you could call them 'happy hormones'--"

I hiccuped. "Are you really reciting science facts right now?"

She cleared her throat. "Do you need more tissue? Here's more tissue." 

"Thanks, Sasha Li. I'm just sorry that you have to see me like this."

"No worries."

Her awkwardness sent another round of laughter through me. She must've taken in my absurdity, because a slow grin spread across her face. "Sorry I'm not Leilani. She would give you a huge hug right now." 

"I'm usually the hugger, anyways," I said matter-of-factly, and before I could think too much, I opened my arms for an embrace. "Everyone needs a hug sometimes. This is one of those times."

I could see the wheels in her head turn, but I must've looked really pathetic, because she sighed with a smile and met my embrace. 

"You feeling better yet?" She asked from over my shoulder. 

I closed my eyes briefly. "A little. I'm sorry if I'm scaring you like this." 

She patted my back lightly. "Don't worry. Thank you for trusting me with this. I'm no good with words, ironically, but I like to listen."

I pulled her in a little closer, taking in her lavender deodorant, her petite frame. For a moment, it felt as if I held onto the smart, resilient, Sasha Li tight enough, everything was going to be alright.