Meaghan Walter and Kate Zimmer

Part 13

Meg's POV ⚠️TW⚠️ Selfharm

Waking up this morning I knew that it was one of my bad days. I had cut for the first time in almost 2 months and my brain was closing itself off for the day. Talking was going to be especially hard today and I had to tell Kate in minimal words about my off days. The main thing that happens on my bad days is I don't talk and just try to ignore everything in my life, good and bad. Family and close friends knew about my bad days and never questioned it so I have never really had to tell them about it. Kate was going to have questions though. My overthinking was gonna be extremely bad today and I honestly just wanted to be by myself with my newest addition to my black box. I blindly grabbed my phone and realized it was 2 A.M and I had slept for about 9 hours. Trying to get up I felt resistance as Kate pulling me back into her, not wanting to wake her up I sighed and laid back down fully. My mind wandered as I cuddled closer to my best friend. I'm done sharing. Kate can't know anything else or she WILL leave. The thought of her leaving made me want to vomit but I had to mentally prepare myself for when she does. As these thoughts roamed in my brain I felt my walls building back up and I knew then that I couldn't just let them fall like I had before. A small bit of positivity in my brain tried to reason with my already made up mind. What if she doesn't leave? What if she really does care? You can tell her anything. They were ridiculous thoughts but a small feeling of hope spread throughout my body but quickly stopped. Why would she even hangout with me? I'm just a charity case. I made a hard decision as Kate's arms were wrapped around me. I had to block her on everything when she went back home. It was gonna be extremely hard but it was better to leave her before she decided she deserved better and she left me. Feeling Kate stir I looked up and saw she looked completely content. Her arms were still around me and for the first time in a long time I felt loved. I was really gonna miss it but it she would have a better life with me not in it. Still looking at her I saw her eyes flutter open and she gave me a small smile. I tried my best to give her a smile back but it came out as more of a grimace.

"What time is it?" Kate asked as she removed her arms from around me. I instantly felt cold but gave her her phone so she could see the time. Looking kinda confused on why I didn't just tell her she nonetheless looked at her phone screen. 3:30 A.M. Shit I didn't know it had been that long. After a few minutes she realized she wouldn't be sleeping anytime soon so she got up and turned on the light. She sighed and grabbed my hand, I wasn't expecting what she said next,

"I saw the bandages."

My heart stopped and I glanced down at my sleeves. Fear was written on my face as I blurted out, "You can't tell anyone."

FUCk FUCK FUCK. She's gonna tell Kasper or Sam. The look of disappointment on either of their faces would absolutely ruin me and I knew it. Moving my hand from Kate's I saw that my hands were noticeably shaking.

"Meaghan, I'm not gonna tell anyone if you don't want me to."

Relief washed over my body but worry took it over again when the situation really hit me. Kate Zimmer saw my bandages. Why is she still here? Looking up in confusion I saw her looking at me. Why hadn't she freaked out yet? The first time Kasper saw my self inflicted wounds she looked so sad and angry. She hadn't said anything about her anger but I saw it in her eyes and her demeanor changed completely when she saw them. Who could blame her? She saw her best friend that she thought was getting better have fresh cuts all over her arms. Examining Kate's face I saw sadness and something I couldn't quite identify. Not knowing how Kate felt kind of scared me but I don't think she was mad. I hadn't said anything so Kate spoke up again,

"Can you tell me why you did it?"

Shaking my head I felt like I had done something wrong. No matter what I couldn't tell Kate why I had relapsed. She would blame herself and I didn't want that at all. She nodded lightly before asking me one final question,

"Can I show you something?"

I didn't want to get up and go somewhere but I nodded nonetheless. Instead of her getting up she pulled up her hoodie sleeve. Looking down at her forearm I saw faded lines.

"I started cutting when I was 14. I was suffering from really bad anxiety and depression and felt as though I had no one. The first time I did cut it gave me such relief. I felt as though I finally had control over something in my life. I continued for over 3 years until one day Kylie walked in on me cutting. We weren't that close but the look of heartbreak she gave me instantly made me want to stop hurting myself. I relapsed so many times but after a while the urge to cut wasn't as bad. I'm almost 2 years clean but it was really hard. Meg it's okay to relapse but you should try to tell someone."

By the time she finished talking we were both silently crying. Looking in those familiar brown eyes I felt so understood and safe. Kasper and Sam were amazing friends and I loved them to death but it's hard to talk about my self harm to them. Gently I traced Kate's scars and thought about how one day I would have similar ones. My cuts wouldn't be obvious and red but faded and unnoticeable just like Kate's. I felt a smile form on my face as I thought about it but as I talked I felt it diminish.

"Kate can..can I..um show you my cuts?"

A small nod came from Kate. Rolling up my sleeve I winced slightly at the movement but continued. All of my defenses that I had tried so hard to make crumbled as I removed the bandages yet I wasn't afraid. I had never shown anyone my cuts right after hurting myself. Usually Kasper or Sam wouldn't see the cuts just the bandaging. The skin underneath was deathly white with at least 20 red lines all across my forearm. The older scars were overlapped by the newest cuts but were still noticeable. Looking away from my destroyed arm I saw Kate still looking at my arm. Before I could say anything Kate spoke,

"Bubs come sit right next to me."

I did as I was told and watched as Kate gently put my forearm next to hers. While her scars were barely noticed my cuts and scars were very evident but I smiled anyway. Although my scars were noticeable now one day in the future they would be just as faded as Kate's scars were and that gave me hope. Both Kate and I looked at our arms and back up at each other. I didn't know what to say so I gave Kate the best hug of appreciation as I could. She was such an incredible human being and yet she settled to be friends with me. Unfortunately, while hugging Kate I bumped my arm and I almost screamed in pain. Instead I let out a loud gasp before pulling away.

"I need to clean and wrap it again." Kate nodded as I got up. I turned around and walked out the door but when I looked back I saw Kate coming after me.

"Don't go so fast I'm slower than you." She teased as we walked into the bathroom together. I wasn't sure why she was coming but I didn't have the energy to ask. Grabbing the disinfectant I groaned in pain as I poured it on my arm. My cuts bubbled but I rinsed the disinfectant off a soon as possible. The water hurt against my forearm but I didn't make any noise. Kate grabbed onto my hand as she saw that my knuckles were white from clenching my fist. Wrapping my arm with the bandages I hissed in pain again from the contact but other than that I didn't make any noise. Kate and I cleaned up and walked back to my room. By the time we laid down I felt as though my eyelids had weights on them. Before the dream world took over I snuggled up next to Kate and muttered, "Thank you."

A/N This is a shorter chapter but I hope you like it anyways