kingdom come undone | Kylo Ren x Reader

part one | chapter six

Regret. Mortification. Guilt. Shame.

Similar emotions, but different enough that you could pinpoint each one as it flitted through you.

You were anxiously waiting for the next time you would see Kylo Ren and dreading it all the same. It's been days since you'd seen him last, each day since spent agonizing over your previous misstep. If it even was a singular misstep, and not a collection of many small missteps stacked upon one another. But they would all have ended up culminating in the mortifying almost-kiss.

You still couldn't figure out what had scared him away, if it was the reality of it all, if it was that you decided to take what you wanted from him instead of the other way around, if it was that he had set a boundary that you had unknowingly crossed. Perhaps it was all of them combined.

Even worse than the aspect of somehow crossing his boundaries was in that brief moment of weakness, you had revealed yourself to him, every single conflicted thought and emotion you'd had about him laid bare before you. Because you were not the type to kiss someone who you had promised yourself to hate, unless there was something else going on. Unless there was some sort of disconnect between what your mind told you was right and what your heart wanted, as cliché as it was.

The only time they seemed to sync up and agree with one another was late at night when you were either just thinking about him- his stupid eyes, his stupid hair, his stupidly nice body- or you were thinking about him while you had a hand between your legs, trying to muffle any whimpers or sighs you may be making with a hand pressed over your mouth, even though you're pretty sure that no one could hear you. But you hadn't done that since the incident, every time you even contemplated slipping your fingers lower and temporarily alleviating your stress only resulting in the disastrous moment replaying in your mind.

The feeling of his heartbeat- real, frantic- under your palm, the way that his eyes had analyzed you seconds before you tried to close the distance, the moment that he had wrenched himself away from you as if you were venomous.

And well, that memory wasn't exactly what you wanted to think of when trying to get off.

So now you were anxious and sexually frustrated.

You rolled your shoulders, trying to chase away the tension that lingered all along your spine.

It's funny how now that you had something to fill your time, you didn't want to. Your datapad was the only source of light in the dark room, and you blankly flipped through a random book, your eyes scanning but not absorbing the words. It was some boring thing about plant life in the Outer Rim. Whoever had outfitted your datapad with books had thrown in a little bit of everything, but nothing particularly good. Trashy romance novels, histories, First Order propaganda, informative-yet-boring books on mundane topics amongst other genres. You'd skimmed a few of them, aside from the propaganda, which you promptly tried to delete. When it seemed that you could not actually get rid of it, you just moved it away from the main "bookshelf" on your datapad, which was as good as deleting it in your mind.

As it turned out, the romance novels were the most interesting out of all of the choices, but they weren't very high quality, full of quivering maidens and domineering men. At first you may have scoffed at the predictability and clichéd nature of it all, but with more thought, it seemed that that was an odd mirror to your own life. And after realizing that you didn't want to read them anymore.

You turned another page (or, swiped so the datapad knew to show you the next page), glumly looking at the drawing of a bit of scraggly grass found on Tatooine.

Boring. Boring. I am bored. Bored. B o r e d.

"And I thought the datapad would alleviate your boredom."