kingdom come undone | Kylo Ren x Reader

part two | chapter two

Nightmares, you found, were quiet. No waking up screaming, limbs tangled in bedsheets, heart racing. When you were finally able to pull yourself out of your dream, you were paralyzed, the fear and dread keeping you from moving.

You saw memories and fabrications, images your mind conjured to remind you of all you had lost throughout your life. Your parents, your home, your childhood- things you had left behind to pursue a greater purpose, things that had been ripped from you.

But most of all, you saw him. What happened, what might have been, what the future might hold.

None of it was happy. There was always a layer of hurt to the visions- him hurting, you hurting. Situations in which you had to break him, or he had to pull you apart.

The worst part was that you feared you had already done that. No- you knew, deep in your soul, that your leaving damaged him. You prayed to the universe that it wasn't irreparable. Because even though he, himself, had hurt so many and ended so many lives- directly, indirectly, it didn't matter. You couldn't bear the thought of hurting him.

Did that make you as bad as him, that you were willing to ignore all the evil he had done if it meant you could be with him?

Did that make you worse?

You were so tired of the constant war you had going in your mind. You just wanted someone to tell you what to do, how to make the right decisions, how to stop hurting others. How to stop hurting yourself.

But the more days that passed, the more you realized that that wasn't going to happen, and the pain wasn't going to get better anytime soon.

And so it continued.
___

A clatter on the table startled you, making you realize that you had been oblivious to your surroundings and had just been pushing the greens on your plate around to pretend like you were eating. Not that anyone was watching you to be worried if you were getting the proper nutrients.

You looked up, noticing first the blaster that had been set between you, and then the person who set it down. Ada was standing across from you, her face unreadable.

You hadn't been trying to avoid her, but every time you saw her walking around the base you were temporarily brought back to that moment before your capture, knee injured and you falling desperately behind. You remembered her eyes, wide in fear, as she had to make the choice to leave you behind to ensure the other's survival.

She seemed pensive, as if she were trying to figure something out. You gave her a small smile, trying to ignore the echoing cries of pain in your ears, both a distant memory and as present as this moment.

Whenever you'd seen her around she always looked this way. As if she were trying to figure something out. You started to open your mouth to give her a greeting and ask how'd she'd been- a surprisingly mundane question given that you were asking about her wellbeing during a time when you'd been a prisoner- when she cut you off, cutting right into the meat of what she needed to say.

"I've tried to give you the benefit of the doubt," She said. Your smile turned into a frown, confused and concerned at the direction this sudden conversation was heading. There was no way to escape it, the confrontation that must have been simmering under her surface since you returned. "But I just don't understand how you survived."

You were too taken aback at how forward she was that you didn't have time to be diplomatic.

"They didn't kill me." You stated bluntly. "That's how I survived."

"But why didn't they execute you? You certainly aren't important enough for them to have kept you around for information or even just as a hostage-"