Loves Me Not

TEN

BEFORE
CATALAINA KITTRIDGE

Will started at Yale's School of Medicine in the fall of 2012, the same time that I was starting my third year at UB. We had spent the majority of the summer embracing what it meant to be young. We drove around at midnight, stayed up late enough to watch the sunrise. We drank until our heads span; we ate out at every restaurant we possibly could. We spontaneously packed up our bags and went on road trips. We sat on the beach and tried to see who could get more tanned. Everything was easy and comfortable with Will. Every moment we spent together consisted of laughter and smiles. Only on a slight few occasions did we butt heads or disagree about something. It was usually me insisting I was right, and Will trying to prove me wrong. Or me wanting to do something and Will being opposed. Other than that, we got along splendidly.

The weekend that Will moved to New Haven was a memorable one. His parents were officially divorced now, living separately. Both he and his sisters were taking it pretty hard. Will knew that this move would be a fresh start for him, something that he desperately needed. And I was there to support him and help him in every way I could.

Holden and I helped him pack up his things in Queens and move everything to New Haven. Will was living in a house with three other guys that he had met through the school's website that connected new students. We spent that afternoon unpacking everything, rearranging furniture countless times, and then finally, ending the night off with a few drinks.

"I think I'm going to like it here," Will remarked, placing his beer on the table.
"It's a beautiful campus, that's for sure," I said.
"And apparently there's a mean party scene," Holden felt the need to add.
Will laughed. "The party days are behind me. I need to really focus on my studies this year. And the next. And the next. And the rest of my life."
"You're crazy for doing that much schooling," I said.
"Not crazy, Kit-Cat," he winked at me. "Dedicated."
"Gee, I aspire to be just like you someday," I fake swooned.
"Hey, maybe if you're lucky, you'll end up on my operating table."
"God, let's hope not," Holden took another drink. "Although knowing her, she'll probably end up in the morgue."

_____

In the beginning, visits between Will and me were quite frequent. He'd drive up to UB and visit me on weekends that he was free, and I'd do the same, taking the train down to New Haven and spending the weekend at his place. Fall was probably the easiest for us to see one another. But then December came, and midterms were arriving. Will sequestered himself in his bedroom and spent the majority of his time studying. He hardly even left the house to get groceries. I remember one weekend in particular that I went up to visit him. I hadn't seen him for three weeks prior to that. I ended up spending most of my time there either on the couch watching TV, or hanging out with his roommates because Will was so busy with homework and studying. I went to the fridge to get a snack and it was practically empty. I went out and did his shopping for him and stocked the fridge. He barely even looked up to say thank you.

The New Year arrived and I thought that we could start fresh again. We both had new semesters and new classes. Midterms and finals were still a long ways away and I thought that, given the fact that it was January, we could pick up where we left off in the fall. Visiting each other on weekends, hanging out like we used to. But unfortunately, I was wrong.

Will became... distracted. Perhaps dedicated is a better word that he'd probably use, but I'd say distracted. Preoccupied. Obsessed. Nothing was ever good enough. All he did was study. And when he wasn't studying, he was working at the job he picked up to make money. So all of his time revolved around those two things. Which, don't get me wrong, isn't a bad thing. I mean, he clearly needed money, and he clearly needed to do well in school. But I think that he could have balanced his life better. He needed to balance all of those things, including his social life. But he wasn't. He neglected the social aspects and instead, focused on the things that stressed him out.

I'd call him once in a while to check in and make sure everything was okay. By mid-March we had only seen each other twice. We'd catch up with each other over infrequent phone calls. But then there came a point where even the phone calls were too much for him to keep up with.

Slowly, as the months progressed, I watched my best friend fade away.

Meanwhile, things at UB were going pretty well for me. I was loving all of my classes and was figuring out the path that I wanted to take. A few of the friends I had made were in the Continuing Education program to pursue teaching. I found that route interesting and could see myself being a teacher, mostly because I couldn't think of anything else that I could do with my life. And becoming a teacher seemed pretty straight forward.

I met Colin that spring. He was at the library, studying for finals. We somehow got to talking. He asked if I'd be interested in going for lunch sometime. Before I knew it, lunch dates were turning into dinner dates, and then dinner dates were turning into long nights spent at his place. Long nights that seeped into the morning, and then I was staying past 8 a.m. I was introduced to his roommates. Soon enough we were spending practically every day together. And then, he was my boyfriend.

The more time I spent with Colin, the less I thought about Will, which gave me mixed emotions. It wasn't as though I was trying to forget about Will, but he gave me no other option. I didn't have many friends, and without Will, I felt alone. So once Colin entered my life, it was like a void had been filled. All of my time was spent with him. And subsequently, I had less time to feel bored or lonely in the absence of Will. I was now in a relationship.

But just like many other things in my life, that wouldn't last long.