Loves Me Not

SIXTY FIVE

BEFORE
CATALAINA KITTRIDGE

Have you ever felt completely consumed by something? So consumed that you reach the point where you're thinking about it so much that it eventually takes over your life? You can't think about anything else because this one thing is at the forefront, controlling every single thing you do. It's mesmerizing and toxic all at once.

Ever since the twenty-first of April, the only thing that had been on my mind was Will. I didn't admit this to anyone, not even myself. I tried to suppress the thoughts and push them away, but it was impossible. He was like the plague, and he had infected my mind. I couldn't concentrate during the day because he was all I could think about. And at night, I lied awake in bed, stricken with an insomnia that left me tired and restless. He had become a ubiquitous presence that was slowly taking over my life. It was catastrophic. And there was nothing I could do about it.

I sat at the kitchen table one morning watching Ben eat his eggs and toast. He brought his mug of coffee to his lips to take a sip and caught me watching him. I turned my head and looked away.

"What's wrong?" he asked.
I stood up and walked away.

I could understand why Ben was getting frustrated with me. It wasn't as though I was blind or ignorant to this whole ordeal. I can look back and see my faults, look back and acknowledge my wrongdoings. I wasn't making things easy for him. It's interesting that I could recognize the downfall of my own behaviour, but didn't care enough to put a stop to it. I seemed to stop caring about much lately.

I knew something needed to change. I had spent the weekend attempting to garden and do other homely tasks that would please my fiancé. It aggravated me beyond belief that I was slowly turning into The Perfect Housewife. It wasn't even necessarily that Ben asked these things of me, but it was an expectation I had to uphold. I feared what would happen if I said screw it to everything and did what I wanted.

One Sunday evening in the beginning of May, Ben and I had dinner together and he asked if I wanted to go downtown to see a play at the theatre the following week. I said yes, only because I knew I couldn't say anything else. I fucking hated the theatre, but God forbid I say no and another fight ensued.

It was the next morning, sitting alone in the kitchen, that I realized I was truly becoming everything I loathed. I had become everything that I vowed never to be. A passive, meek housewife who did whatever was expected of her. And it wasn't just in my relationship with Ben – I had done the exact same thing with Tony. I closed my mouth and nodded my head, doing anything and everything he asked of me. I thought about my work and personal life. Had I become submissive in those areas as well?

Passivity was something I never wanted, but it turned out to be exactly what I had embodied. I thought that changing my life drastically by having an affair and selling drugs would be some sort of rebellion. A way of me taking a stance and maintaining control over my life. It may have started off that way in the beginning, but slowly and eventually over time, those aspects of my life soon imitated the rest and followed suit.

Later that evening, Ben got home from work and we ate dinner together. He asked how my day was. I lied and said it was grand. He excused himself to go shower and unwind. I took this opportunity to leave the house and go for a drive. I didn't know where it was exactly that I was going, but I knew that I needed to get out.

I drove down the I95, my vision clear but my mind cloudy. There were so many thoughts going on in there and I didn't know how to tame any of them.

After driving for about twenty minutes, I signaled and exited the freeway, deciding that if I was ever going to truly relax, I needed to be near the water.

I kept driving until I reached Morse Park. I hadn't been there in years, but I remembered how calm I felt there, the ocean breeze on my skin, the sound of the waves washing in.

I parked my car and walked around aimlessly, clearing my head and trying to breathe. I allowed the sound of the ocean to consume me until I found that my mind was finally clear of thoughts. At last I had reached a point of serenity where I could simply exist.

That's when I heard my name being called.

I hesitated, wondering if it could be a mistake, if I misheard, or if they were calling someone else. But how many other Catalaina's were out there?

Quickly, I turned around to find the source of the voice. And that's when I saw him, standing there only a few feet away from me.

I didn't recognize him at first, certain that my eyes were playing tricks on me. But sure enough, it was him. After all this time, there he was.