Loves Me Not

TWENTY SIX

BEFORE
CATALAINA KITTRIDGE

Everything changed once I started dating Ben. As if things hadn't changed enough already. But apparently, it was about to change yet again.

I remember how I felt when Will told me that he proposed to Juliette. It was soul crushing, like life would never be the same after that. But I tried to fake it the best I could and be happy for him. If he wanted to spend the rest of his life with this woman, then so be it. However, when the tables were turned and I began my relationship with Ben, Will wasn't too happy. And he didn't even bother trying to hide it.

When I told him about Ben, the atmosphere shifted. His disposition went from complacent to cold. He'd make snide remarks. He'd make me feel guilty for being in a relationship.

I knew he was jealous. I knew he didn't want me to be with someone else. But how was that fair? Why was it perfectly okay for him to propose to someone and get married, but I couldn't even be in a relationship?

I began to slowly resent him for the way he was treating me. He'd talk to me less. He'd give me the cold shoulder. He'd miss scheduled get-togethers, or purposely not call when he said he would. He was completely icing me out, pushing me so far away. And I got sick of it. I got sick of his attitude and his immaturity. And therefore, the farther he pushed me away from him, the closer I became with Ben.

I'm not happy about it. I wish things could have been different. Because instead of being happy for me and moving forward in our lives together, we were just repeating history. I was losing my best friend all over again.

Ben was perfect. We barely ever fought and got along splendidly. However, I tried not to fool myself into thinking that it would be like that long-term. I understood that we were still in the honeymoon stage of our relationship, and that it was perfectly acceptable for couples to fight and disagree about certain things.

As the months progressed, I inadvertently began starting fights for no reason. There were times when I'd look at Ben, and he'd be sitting in front of me so happy and content, and I'd almost loathe him for it. I'd loathe him for how easy life came for him. I wanted to yell at him and fight with him, about something – anything – just to have some sort of tension between us that would in turn bring us closer. And therefore, we'd fight.

I set my expectations so high that not even he could reach them, which says a lot considering the kind of man he is. And that was unfair of me, I admit that. But I don't know what to tell you. I was angry. I was upset. I was conflicted. My life may have seemed perfect from the outside looking in, but if you lifted off my scalp and had a look inside my brain, you'd see that that was actually not the case. It was the exact opposite. My brain was scattered and hectic. I had erratic thoughts and I didn't know what to do. And subsequently, I took it out on Ben. I should never have done that.

I brought him home to meet my family a couple months into our relationship. Everyone loved him. I mean, who didn't love him? He was charming and charismatic. He was smart, he had a stable career, he was financially successful. He was kind and loving and sweet. And he treated me like gold. He was everything I could have possibly needed in a partner. Yet I found myself sitting at my family's dinner table, observing the scene play out in front of me – everyone talking to Ben, asking him questions, swooning over him – and wondering why it wasn't Will who was sitting there instead.

I knew that Will and I could never be together – I'd be stupid to think otherwise. I don't even know why I still thought of him so often after everything he had done. After all, he had Juliette, and I had Ben. So I tried to eradicate any and all thoughts of him. I made a conscious effort not to think about him or envision what if scenarios. What if things were different? What if Will had never got accepted to Yale? What if he had never moved to New Haven? What if he had never met Juliette? I was torturing myself. So I stopped.

I learned to fake it. I learned to feign happiness and smile on demand. I learned to control my temper and my mood swings. I conditioned myself to be a loving girlfriend and the exact person who Ben would want to be with. I did it for him. I did it for myself.

Only problem was, that wasn't me.