Loves Me Not

THIRTY TWO

BEFORE
CATALAINA KITTRIDGE

The months went by quickly. January, February, March, and then before I knew it, April had arrived. The snow had melted and it was beginning to warm, just slightly. The trees were bare and ugly. The weather was rainy and damp. It made me wonder why two people would choose this month out of all the months for their wedding.

The date was set for April twenty-first. Everything was in order and everyone was anticipating the day. It was to be held at the Thompson Hotel in New Haven.

I bought the dress I had planned on wearing a few weeks before. It was a simple gown, classy and elegant, black and strapless. Ben loved it.

We got them an elaborate wedding gift. Since they were both doctors in the medical profession – as they often liked to remind everyone – Ben and I got them each German-engineered chrome-plated stethoscopes, which nearly cost an arm and a leg for such a simple tool. We also got them matching blue scrubs because something borrowed, something blue. I thought that would be perfect for them.

While both Ben and I were looking forward to attending the wedding, I can't deny that the pit in my stomach was growing bigger as the date grew nearer. I found myself waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. My dreams were vivid. In them, I'd see Will standing there, facing away from me. When I was close enough, I'd reach out to touch him, and in an instant, he'd vaporize and disappear. In another dream, I was stranded in the ocean, drowning. I could see Will on the shoreline, simply standing there, watching me.

A few nights before the wedding, I woke up from a dream. But it wasn't just a dream – it was a memory. It was that first summer I met Will when I was eighteen. The two of us were sitting in my backyard, drinking beers that we weren't supposed to be having. I remember staring at him, watching him so intently. I barely knew him at the time, but we were already becoming so close. We didn't even need to talk to fill the silence. We were both comfortable just sitting in each other's presence that nothing else seemed to matter.

In my dream, I was watching him. We were having a conversation, although I couldn't hear what we were saying. Then suddenly, the dream started to turn to static. The memory was fading and becoming something else. Will was standing up, telling me he had to leave. He walked over to me, took my hands in his. He told me that he'd always be there for me, no matter what. I was so confused. I tried to open my mouth to speak or protest, but nothing came out. And then just as fast as he was there, he was gone, vanished into thin air.

I woke up in a panic, on the verge of tears. Ben sat up with me and held me until I calmed down. He got me a glass of water and asked what the dream was about. I took a sip and told him I didn't remember.

Will and Juliette were following tradition and decided not to see each other twenty-four hours before the wedding. She went and stayed at her sister's place where they could get their nails done and drink wine and enjoy her last night as an unmarried woman. Will had decided to stay in the Thompson Hotel to isolate himself for a short period of time before tying the knot. To this day I'm still not sure why.

Before I knew it, it was the evening before the wedding. Ben and I were sitting in his living room, watching television. We wanted to have an early night, but I ended up leaving earlier than I intended and heading out around eight o'clock. He kissed me goodbye and I told him that I'd see him in the morning, bright and early for wedding preparations.

I got in my car and began driving home. It was somewhere along the way, on the drive from Ben's place to mine, that I broke down and began to cry. I pulled over to the side of the road in one quick motion. I shut off the car and just sat there, shoulders heaving, sobbing to myself. It had suddenly hit me what was happening. It all became real. Will was getting married. Will – my Will – was getting fucking married. To Juliette.