Loves Me Not

FORTY THREE

BEFORE
CATALAINA KITTRIDGE

We went back to Dominic's place. It wasn't in the nicest of neighborhoods, but who was I to complain? I didn't need a fancy bachelor pad or Egyptian cotton – I just needed him.

I sat on the couch in his living room and he brought me a glass of water. I asked if he had anything stronger and he told me I should take it easy.

He gulped down an entire water bottle then sat next to me on the couch. "So," he said. "How long have you lived in Bridgeport?"
He was trying to make conversation. I didn't want conversation. I was drunk and only wanted one thing. So I grabbed the collar of his shirt and kissed him.

I'm not sure what my end goal of the night was. Did I leave my house earlier that evening with the intention of cheating on my fiancé with a complete stranger? Of course not. To the extent of which I'd thought about it, I had only planned on going out with Scarlett to see that band she liked. Perhaps have a few drinks, dance, and have a good time. The one thing I didn't foresee, however, was Dominic Belmont.

I guess not everything in my life can go as planned.

Afterwards, we laid in his bed and talked. He was good at talking, a real conversationalist. It came so easy for him, the words simply flowing off his tongue. I found it difficult to be in his presence because he seemed to know all the right things to say, and I was at a loss for words. I wasn't sure if it was because of the predicament I had put myself in, the level of alcohol in my bloodstream, or if it was him. Was I intimidated by him?

We didn't get a chance to talk for long though, because within ten minutes of us talking, I broke down and started crying. I confessed to him that I was engaged. He didn't believe me at first, grabbed my hand to inspect the bare finger.

"I haven't even been wearing it," I said through my tears. I don't know whether I was expecting sympathy or to be kicked out. I didn't mean to start crying, but I couldn't help it. The alcohol had gotten to me, and I was overemotional, especially in his presence.
"There must be a reason," he said calm as day. "For your unfaithfulness. People don't just cheat on their fiancés for the hell of it. So what's the matter? What happened?"

No one had ever summed up infidelity as well as he did in that short sentence. So I told him. I started talking and I told him everything.

He was right. I didn't cheat on Ben because I was bored or promiscuous. I was unfaithful to Ben because I felt that we had hit a standstill in our relationship. We weren't going anywhere. And to be completely honest, I was scared.

Yes, I know – if I felt this way then I should have simply left him. Taken off the engagement ring for good and told him to give it to someone who truly matters. Someone who won't take him for granted. But I was scared. Scared of being without Ben. Scared of being alone. I couldn't do it. The thought was crippling.

I found myself staying with Ben because he was a comfort to me, a safety blanket. Without him, I feared what I would become. Ben was a good person. He kept me grounded and kept my head on steady. My parents told me that he was exactly the type of person I needed in my life. I guess I stayed with him because all of the signs were telling me to. The only thing that was opposed to the notion, was my heart.

So I went out and did something stupid. I went out and did something that most people would regret. And while I can admit that it was wrong, I didn't regret it. Not a single second. Because that night with Dominic was exactly what I needed. I had reached a point in my life where I felt scared and lost and confused. I needed someone to pick me up and put me on the right path so I could find my way again. Believe it or not, Dominic was that person.

We talked for hours. I cried and he held me in his arms, rubbing my back, telling me that everything would be okay. He asked about Ben, what kind of man he was. I talked and talked and talked. I felt as though I hadn't been able to truly open up to someone and become vulnerable like that in a long time, not even with Scarlett.

Finally, I checked the clock. It was four o'clock in the morning. I quickly gathered my things and told Dominic I had to leave. It was far past midnight and my carriage had long turned into a pumpkin. If I didn't get home soon, my whole fairy-tale would come crashing down on me.

He called me a cab and walked me to the curb. Just as the cab pulled up, I pulled him towards me and gave him one last kiss. Then I said, "It was nice knowing you, Dominic Belmont. Maybe we'll meet again one day. Perhaps in another life."

And then I left.

_____

I woke up the next morning in our spare bedroom. I didn't want to disturb Ben by crawling into bed at 4:30 a.m. But mainly I didn't want him to know the exact time that I came home. At least this way, I could make something up, tell him a time and he'd have to believe it because what alternative was there?

I sat up in bed and brought my hands to my face. My head was pounding and my mouth was dry. I needed water. And an Advil.

It was nine o'clock. I walked to the bedroom to check if Ben was still asleep, but the bed was made and the room was empty. I hurried into the bathroom and closed the door behind me. There, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I was a mess. My mascara and eyeliner were still somehow intact from the night before, but my hair was a disaster.

I turned on the tap and splashed cold water on my face, then decided that a shower would be best. I stripped off my clothes and turned the shower to the hottest temperature.

It was as I was standing in the shower, the scalding water hitting my back, that everything from the night before came flooding into the forefront of my brain. Dominic, the club, his place, his bedroom. My eyes shot open and I inhaled quickly. God. What have I done?

Once I was scrubbed clean of the previous night's makeup and sins, I towel tried and threw on some clothes.

I walked down the stairs slowly and carefully, well aware of what was awaiting me. I could picture him sitting there at the kitchen table, sipping his coffee and flipping through the newspaper. I took in a breath and braced myself, preparing for the worst. Regardless of my shower, I felt as though the events from the night before were clear as day, painted on me for everyone to see. As though my infidelity would somehow be broadcasted to my fiancé without even a single word. Just one look and he'd know. One look and it would all be over.

I walked into the kitchen and saw him sitting there. "Good morning," I said hesitantly as I approached him. I hoped I sounded as confident as I intended to.

He looked up from the newspaper and smiled at me. That genuine smile that I fell in love with. "There you are," he said.

And that was it. I knew in that instant that I was in the clear. Because if Ben didn't know in that moment what I had done, then he probably never would.