Loves Me Not

THIRTY

BEFORE
CATALAINA KITTRIDGE

Another year under our belts and we had officially reached 2018. Will and Juliette's wedding was in April, only four short months away. I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

As for mine and Will's friendship, we somehow managed to reboot it. The following Monday after Christmas, the four of us went out for drinks together as a double date of sorts. I had never spent much one-on-one time with Juliette, so this was the perfect opportunity.

We hung out at a pub that night. Will and Ben were playing pool, drinking beers. Juliette and I sat at the table talking. I stared at her, studying her perfect, doll-like complexion. Her long blonde hair that flowed over her shoulders so effortlesly. Her bright blue eyes that were so attentive and focused on mine as we spoke. And while the two of us talked, the hatred I felt for her was lessning. She was a nice, genuine person. And Will was lucky to have her. It was wrong of me to hate her the way I did and I found myself feeling guilty.

After that night, the four of us began spending more time together. We'd meet for drinks on a Friday night, or we'd go catch a movie on a Tuesday. They'd have us over at their place, which they'd recently begun renovating. Ben and Will would go off and examine the house. Juliette and I would sit in the kitchen, mixing drinks or baking cookies. It was the most peculiar thing. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined reaching a point in my life where Will and I both had significant others, but that the four of us could all get along and spend time together. Juliette was almost becoming a friend to me. Almost.

The time that all of us spent together subsequently allowed me to spend more time with Will. I wasn't complaining. I went from not talking to him for months, to then seeing him on a weekly basis. It was great.

One evening near the end of January, Juliette brought me upstairs to their grand master bedroom and showed me her wedding dress. She tried it on right then and there, twirling around for me to see. I was astonished, truly. She was beautiful and magnificent in that dress. The perfect bride. I almost envisioned what I would look like in a dress like that, but then quickly reminded myself that weddings and marriage weren't in my future plans. Still, it was nice to dream sometimes.

We made martinis and talked about our lives and our futures. I asked her if she wanted children.
"I do," she said. "I'd like two: a boy and a girl."
I smiled and nodded my head.
"How about you?" she asked, leaning back on the sofa and picking the olive from her glass. I watched as she popped it into her mouth. "You want children?"
"I don't know," I said, breaking eye contact. "Maybe. I guess. Doesn't everyone?"
"Not everyone."
I didn't respond.
"Does Ben want kids?" she asked me.
"I think so, yeah."
"You guys haven't talked about it?"
"Not really," I said. It had been brought up in our discussions maybe once or twice, but never a serious conversation.
"How long have you been together?" she asked me.
"Almost two years."
She took another sip from her glass. "Do you think he's the one?"
"What, to marry?"
"Yeah. Is he your soulmate? The one you want to spend the rest of your life with?"
"I don't know. I havent really thought about it. I love him, I know that. But marriage... that's a big decision. You have to really know." I stopped for a moment. Then I asked her, "how did you know? That Will was the one?"
She thought about this. "I guess I just knew. I know that sounds cliché, but there wasn't a singular moment that I can remember where I stopped and thought, hey, this man right here is my soulmate. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. No, it wasn't like that. It was a slow, progressive thing that happened over a long period of time. We met, we clicked, and everything else just fell into place. I didn't even really think about it until he proposed. It was then that I really knew. All he had to do was confirm it."
I nodded and took another sip from my glass. It was now empty.

They say that sometimes before a wedding, the soon-to-be bride or groom can get cold feet. It can begin to happen months before, or mere minutes. I would never want to have that realization while I'm already at the alter. I'd rather realize my decision ahead of time.

There were now three months until the wedding. I knew that neither Will or Juliette would get cold feet. They were head over heels in love with each other. Nothing was going to come between the two of them.

But the more that Juliette talked about the wedding, the more I realized what a mistake this whole thing was. Juliette shouldn't be the one walking down the aisle to marry Will.

The only one getting cold feet about the wedding here, was me.