Loves Me Not

FORTY FIVE

BEFORE
CATALAINA KITTRIDGE

After that night, I didn't think I'd ever see Dominic again. I had no intention of ever seeing him again. But I should have known by then that some things never go as planned.

That night with Dominic was enlightening for me, mainly for two reasons. The first was that, despite how wrong it was, that night with Dominic was exactly what I needed at that point in my life. I needed an escape from my reality, even if only temporary. And that night with Dominic brought me some sort of solace that I so desperately required. It was eye-opening for me because I let my guard down and became vulnerable. I opened up to a complete stranger about my life and my relationship. And what I got out of it was an epiphany that I didn't even go searching for. Which leads me to the second thing I got out of that night: the realization that I needed to leave Ben.

I couldn't stay with him, especially after that. Cheating on your fiancé is grounds to leave on its own. But the fact that my life had spiraled downwards so far to the point of infidelity is a whole other issue. Clearly, I wasn't happy anymore. Clearly, we weren't working together as people. If I was willing to go out and cheat on him, then that meant I needed to end the relationship, call off the engagement, and leave him. It was the better thing to do for both of us.

So that's what I did. Well, attempted to do.

It took me a couple days to clear my clouded headspace and build up the courage to do it. I would take off the ring and slip it into his hands. I would look him in the eyes and tell him that I'd always love him, but it just wasn't working.

It was Wednesday when I finally did it. I sat down with him and told him the truth: that I wasn't feeling the same way that I did when we first got engaged, and that I thought it was best to call off the engagement.

"You're not thinking clearly," he said to me.
"Ben, I'm thinking perfectly fine. This is the most clear-minded I've been in a long time."
"No," he shook his head. "You haven't thought this through. You're making a rash decision on impulse because that is what you do."
"What are you talking about?"
"You're an impulsive person, Catalaina! You make decisions on a whim and think it's what you want."
"This is what I want."
"No it's not."
"I slept with someone!" I blurted out.
He stared at me, wide-eyed and confused. I looked at him – this man who I had grown to know so well over the years. This man who I had come to possess such a great love and admiration for. And I realized then how badly it would hurt me to hurt him.
"When?" he asked once he finally found the words.
"A few weeks ago."
"Who?"
"Doesn't matter."
"Yes it does," he snapped. "Tell me who."
I took in a breath. "Honestly, I don't even remember his name. It was a one-night stand. It meant nothing," I lied.
Ben was quiet, processing this information. After a few minutes, he looked at me again. "Why?" he asked. "Why did you do it?"
"I don't know," I confessed. "I have no justification for my actions. I was drunk and stupid. And I guess I felt that things were going downhill in our relationship."
"Why would you think that?"
"Because it's true!" I cried. "How can you not see it? How can you not see that we're not working together?"
He grabbed my hands then, looked me in my eyes. "You are the only person I've ever felt one hundred percent myself with," he said. "I've never worked more perfectly with anyone in my life than I do with you."
I stared back, seeming to get lost in his eyes.
We stayed like that for a while, staring at each other in silence, both of us contemplating everything.
Finally, after a while, he spoke. "Do you regret it?"
"Yes."
"Did he mean anything to you?"
"No."
"Would you ever do it again?"
"No."
He stared at me again. Then he said, "Then I am willing to forgive you. I'm willing to put your mistakes in the past and try to work together with you to build a better future for us."

I almost started crying then. Here I was, telling the man who loves me more than anyone else that I cheated on him and wanted to leave, and he was willing to put it all behind us, simply because of his love for me. God, I was such a horrible person. He was so good, so pure.

I guess that's why I stayed. Because if he was open to forgiveness, then I could be open to second chances. However, staying with Ben was yet another mistake that would ultimately lead to the ensuing events that happened in the subsequent months.

______

After that night, I vowed to try harder to make things work in our relationship. I vowed to be a better fiancé, for better and for worse. I had done a lot of terrible things in the past, but my reign of terror needed to end.

Marriage isn't easy. It's hard work. It's about love and comfort. It's about fighting and compromise. It's about realizing everything there is to know about the other person, and using that knowledge to try to better understand them and work together as a team. If we were going to move forward and spend the rest of our lives together, we needed to do it together.

Easier said than done, right? It's easy to make a decision, or say you'll do a certain thing. One moment I was hitting rock bottom, cheating on my fiancé; and then the next, we were going back into this relationship full-force.

I don't know why I believed staying with him and making things work was even possible after what I had done. And how hypocritical of me was that? It was only three short years prior that I had scolded Will for sleeping with me then going back to Juliette as though nothing had happened. And here I was, doing the exact same thing.

After that night with Will, I wondered how he could continue on life with her, living with such a lie in his heart. But then I finally understood. It took me hitting rock bottom and doing the very thing I vowed never to do to finally realize and understand his point of view. Infidelity wasn't about lies or deceit or cruel intentions – it was about wanting two things simultaneously. In that moment, I had wanted Dominic. But that didn't necessarily mean that I no longer wanted Ben. I still wanted him. Or rather, I wanted to be with him. I needed him in my life, just as much he needed me.

I tried to push that night with Dominic out of my head and pretend it never happened, but it was harder than I thought. I found myself thinking about Dominic all the time, even when I shouldn't have been. He was consuming my mind, slowly taking over, and all I wanted to do was see him again. But I knew that was wrong. I knew that I couldn't. I needed to focus on trying to make things work with Ben, not go running off to some stranger for false love and consolation.

Charles Baudelaire published a book of poetry called Les Fleurs du Mal, which means Flowers of Evil. In it, he describes his relationship with two women in particular: Jeanne Duval and Apollonie Sabatier. He described Apollonie as his Vénus Blanc, and Jeanne as his Vénus Noire. You see, he loved both women equally and at the same time. Loving two people at once can be seen as wrong, but what are you supposed to do? Simply stop loving one person because you already love another? It's not that simple. Baudelaire was in love with both women for different reasons. He needed that balance of having both light and darkness in his life. And so I guess I could resonate with Baudelaire on that. I, too, needed both the light and the darkness in my life. Ben was my light; Dominic was my darkness. Despite how hard I tried to stay away, I was drawn to him, like a moth to a flame. After holding my breath under water for so long, he was the air that I so desperately required. I needed him.

And so it began. As immoral and unethical as the whole thing was, I thought that I could get away with it. I was living dual lives. Sitting at the dining room table eating dinner with Ben, sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night to go meet Dominic. And as wrong as it was, I can't lie and say that it wasn't exhilarating.