Loves Me Not

FIFTY ONE

BEFORE
CATALAINA KITTRIDGE

It was never my intention to begin cheating on my fiancé just as it was never my intention to become a drug dealer. I think there's a pattern here of things happening that I never intended on doing.

Remember, everything in my life from the age of seventeen onward is just a consecutive chain reaction of events, dominos falling into one another. Everything that happened, every decision I ever made, led me to where I am now.

It was the curiosity that got the better of me. After that night with Dominic, I was intrigued. I accompanied him on only three more transactions, as he liked to call them, for me to decide that this was what I wanted to do.

Dominic had a well-paying job, yet still, he sold drugs. Why was that, I wondered. Clearly it wasn't about needing money. It was about wanting more money than he already had.

I looked at it from a business standpoint. Yes, I had a stable career that made a decent amount of money. Ben had a more-than-stable career that made more than a decent amount of money. Financially, we were quite successful and would probably never have to worry about debts or outstanding bills. But I knew deep down that if I didn't have Ben, I wouldn't be able to support myself financially. Perhaps that's another reason why I stayed with Ben. I didn't just need him – I relied on him. And I guess all I really wanted was that independence to be fine on my own.

There was also a part of me that was constantly yearning for more. It was the same part of me that inherently craved drama and danger. It wasn't necessarily the drugs itself that were so enticing, but rather, the act of doing something illegal, something immoral. Something I wasn't supposed to be doing. It made the whole idea even more appealing.

For as long as I can remember, nothing in my life was ever quite enough for me. Grades, careers, relationships – it was always mediocre at best. Even if everyone else thought that what I had accomplished was extraordinary, I never felt that way. I had difficulty feeling things the way that other people did. I required more stimulation than the average person in order to experience emotions such as happiness, excitement, fear, empathy, sadness, etcetera. And so what one person might consider exciting, I found quite mundane. I enjoyed fear because at least it was making me feel something other than boredom. Perhaps that was another reason why I was so enticed by the whole drug aspect. Because it was daring and innovative and I'd never done anything like it before. I saw it as a challenge that I wanted to conquer.

On the other half of it, I had always aspired to have a different career path. Being a teacher simply wasn't enough for me. It wasn't fulfilling, and I knew that I needed more. I thought of Dominic as an entrepreneur, taking a product and flipping it for more than double its value. It was easy enough. And I had the skills and knowledge to do such a thing. It was decided, then, that dealing was what I would do.

Only problem was, I knew absolutely nothing about it.

The concept alone sounded ridiculous. Me, Catalaina Kittridge; fiancé to Ben Summers; teacher at St. Vincent's Catholic School – a law abiding citizen who paid her taxes and had never gotten a speeding ticket: a drug dealer. It was laughable. But it was also the perfect cover. I'd be hiding in plain sight. No one would suspect a thing.

I began studying Dominic, silently observing the things he'd do. I'd watch the way he'd count his money, listen in whenever he'd talk on the phone with someone. I picked up on the terms and lingo they'd use. I'd casually ask him what words like zip and half-ball meant. He thought my inquiries were cute. Little did he know, I was learning.