Loves Me Not

SIXTY THREE

BEFORE
CATALAINA KITTRIDGE

The beginning of May arrived like a breath of fresh air. I was enjoying living my dual lives. Well, it had sort of become three when you really thought about it. My ordinary, mundane life of engagement with Ben. My secret life of lust and infidelity with Dominic. And my hidden little side business that involved Tony, lots of cash, and illegal narcotics.

You'd think it would be exhausting, leading these three lives separately and ensuring that neither of them clashed or interfered with one another. But I seemed to be getting by quite fine. I guess I was good at compartmentalizing.

Things with Ben had been getting better. We were fighting less, but that was because we were talking less, spending time together less. It was no secret that I had been growing distant from him for the past few months. I guess he grew to accept it and hoped that as long as I stayed with him and looked forward to the wedding, that everything would somehow be alright. I couldn't promise him anything. But I was trying.

I thought about Ben a lot on my nights with Dominic. Thought about the morality of it all, thought about my actions and my behaviour as a fiancé. I thought about the conception of this whole affair and the reasoning's behind why I did what I did. If I could go back in time and change things so that the outcome would be different, would I? No. Because everything in life happens for a reason. You end up where you need to be by hitting a few speedbumps and learning some hard lessons along the way.

I valued everything I had with Dominic in the same way that I valued everything I had with Ben. I had to remind myself that I needed the both of them. Without either, I would be incomplete. I needed the darkness just as much as I needed the light. But what I also had to remind myself was that actions had consequences. And someday, everything that I was doing was going to catch up to me.

_____

There was now only two months left of the school year. The weather was getting warm and the children were beginning to go stir-crazy being cooped up inside all day. I tried to keep a calm, tranquil mindset. I never got upset or yelled. I never punished a child for acting out. I was taught that all behaviour stems from somewhere. So rather than get angry and be unreasonable, I tried to be compassionate and empathetic, sitting down to talk with them rather than raise my voice. It seemed to be working for me so far. And once the other children saw how this method worked, they didn't feel the need to act out.

My transactions for the side business were beginning to pick up throughout the week. I'm not sure whether there was a spike in drug consumption or if the spring-time just brought out more people. Either way, business was booming and Tony had me going out as much as I could to meet the demand. I long ago gave up the notion of trying to increase the prices without him knowing. His looming warning from that day in Starbucks echoed in my mind. The last thing I wanted to do was piss him off. So I kept it discreet and did whatever he wanted of me. A passive girl makes for a successful life, am I right?