Loves Me Not

FOURTEEN

BEFORE
CATALAINA KITTRIDGE

Kissing Will wasn't as strange as I thought it would be. It was like exploring unknown territory that you already somehow knew so well. We stumbled backwards, grasping at each other, fumbling with buttons and bra straps. It was drunk and messy, but somehow, I felt complete when I was with him.

I thought for certain we were doomed. You don't come back from something like that. When you kiss your best friend, there are only two possible outcomes: You profess your love for one another and ride off into the sunset, or, things get awkward and complicated and you never speak again.

With Will and me, neither of those things happened. And I'm not quite sure how.

Here's what actually happened.

I woke up the next morning in his bed beside him. My eyelids fluttered opened and for a brief moment, I was frozen in time. Everything from the night before flooded into the forefront of my brain – the drinking, the fighting, and then everything afterwards...

I didn't move. I watched the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. I studied his face, so peaceful as he slept. I loved watching him, memorizing everything I could. In that moment I thought to myself, I'd be content just watching this man for the rest of my life.

It felt foreign being so close to him in such an intimate way. Sure, I was used to being close to Will. Sitting next to him on the couch, falling asleep in his lap during movies. But those were strictly platonic. This was different. This, I thought to myself, would change everything.

But I was wrong. Because we somehow managed to act as though the entire thing never happened. The night of drinking, talking, laughing, fighting, kissing, having sex – none of it happened, apparently.

"You gunna puke?" was the first thing he said to me once he was awake.
"Unlike you, I can handle my alcohol," I countered, staring sleepily next to him.
He shoved me and I almost fell off the bed. That's how I knew that we would be okay.

We both went on with our day as though nothing was amiss. We were two best friends, hanging out for the weekend, just like we usually did.

Stranger things have happened, right?

It was as we were sitting there at his kitchen table having breakfast when the realization hit me: I had a boyfriend. At that very moment, Colin was somewhere else, being completely faithful to me. And there I was, having breakfast with my best friend who I'd just slept with. Who I'd just cheated on my boyfriend with.

The guilt nearly ate me alive.

Will and I spent the majority of Saturday and Sunday lounging around, doing homework, and going for walks. The leaves were changing and the weather was getting colder. Soon enough it would be November. And then December. And then we'd start off another New Year, yet again.

Throughout that day, I kept looking at him differently, with a fresh set of eyes, a new perspective. I guess I kept wondering what it all meant. Two people don't just sleep together arbitrarily. They do it because it means something. So did I mean something to Will? Or did I mean nothing?

As I looked at him, I wondered what he was thinking of me. Was he thinking the same thoughts that I was? Or was his mind completely blank?

As I left his place on Sunday evening, he gave me a hug goodbye. I was waiting for him to say something. Waiting for him to give me a certain look and say, "we should probably talk about Friday night." Hell, maybe I was even waiting for him to kiss me again. But he never did. He never said anything. We simply hugged goodbye, he wished me a safe drive, and then I left.

I don't think I've ever been so perplexed in my life.

I spent the following week back at UB stressing about the entire situation. What did this mean? Did we ruin our friendship? Was it me who came on too strong? And why did I come onto him anyways? Did I have feelings for him? No, that couldn't be. When I looked at Will, I saw a friend. So why did I kiss him?

It was the alcohol, I concluded. Alcohol makes us do stupid things. I was drunk and sensitive and I let my emotions get the best of me. Will was an attractive male. Any girl in my position probably would have done the same thing, given the opportunity. I couldn't blame myself. Shit happens. It was a stupid mistake. It meant nothing. Clearly it meant nothing since he was able to forget about it and move on so easily. So if Will could do that, then I should do the same.

Oh, how wrong I was about that.

All week it was the only thing I could think about. And not just the fact that I slept with my best friend – there was also the fact that I cheated on my boyfriend. I felt awful. I couldn't act normal in his presence without thinking about Will. Colin was a good guy. And he was so kind to me, always doing whatever he could to make me happy.

Finally, I couldn't take it any longer. The following Friday, Colin and I had dinner together at his place. I ended up breaking down and telling him the truth.

At first he was shocked. Then he was angry. And then his anger turned to upset. But after a few hours of talking and crying, Colin shocked me by telling me that it was okay. "Everybody fucks up," he said. "We all make mistakes. Nobody's perfect. I know you don't have feelings for him. If you wanted to be with Will, then you'd be with him. But you're not. You're with me. So it's okay, Catalaina. I forgive you. I think we can move past this and work things out between us."

Colin and I only lasted a couple more months after that. We broke up in January. I think it was inevitable, although he might have thought otherwise. Our breakup had nothing to do with my infidelity. When it came down to it, we just didn't work together as people. My feelings for him were fading and I didn't want to stay in a relationship that I wasn't one hundred percent passionate about. If anything, I felt guiltier that he accepted me back so easily. Looking back, his absolution had only condoned my behaviour. If he would have broken up with me for being unfaithful, perhaps I would have learned my lesson. Perhaps I would have known what it does to another person when someone cheats. But instead, he told me that it was okay, and therefore, I began to believe that my behaviour was worth pardoning.

This was only the beginning of things to come.

After Colin, I decided that I wanted to stay single for a while. I was graduating university in the spring, and I had a lot of things to focus on before then, most importantly, myself. I had known girls in high school and university that couldn't stay single. They were serial daters, getting out of one relationship and jumping right into the next. I couldn't imagine doing that. How can someone ever truly learn about themselves and grow as a person if they're constantly with someone else? We need that space, that alone time, to truly recognize what we want in life, in ourselves, and ultimately, in a partner.

After that night in October, Will and I managed to maintain our friendship like how it was before the incident. We called each other a couple times a week, talked about the usual things. We even visited each other when we could.

Once May arrived, I would officially be finished university. Will would be halfway done med school. He'd only have two more years left. And after that, I didn't know what other life plans he had set out for himself. Did he plan on staying in New Haven? Was he going to move back to Queens? Somewhere in New York? I didn't know. Not even he knew. But I hoped that regardless of what happened, we'd stay in touch and remain friends.

The one thing I didn't account for, however, was Juliette Vanderbolt.