Loves Me Not

SIXTEEN

BEFORE
CATALAINA KITTRIDGE

Juliette Vanderbolt. I hated her before I even knew her, which yes, was probably wrong on my part, but can you really blame me?

He met her in February of 2014. I was just two months shy of finishing university at this point. He still had another two years of med school left.

Years down the line I always wondered what would have happened if Will never crossed paths with Juliette that day. How different life would have played out if he had declined going out with his friends that night. Perhaps he would have met some other girls, dated around a bit, but then ultimately decided to remain single to focus on his studies. He would have finished off the next two years, wrote his exams, graduated, moved elsewhere, and became a successful doctor.

But unfortunately, that's not what happened. And thus, we are taken to part two: Juliette.

Will came to my graduation that spring. He brought me flowers and a necklace. He sat in the middle row, clapping and cheering as I walked across the stage. What he also brought along with him, however, was Juliette.

He had first mentioned her to me in early April. We were talking on the phone one night, as usual, and he brought it up casually. "So I'm kind of seeing someone," he said.
I paused, unsure of how to respond. "Who?"
"Her name's Juliette."
"Juliette," I said her name slowly. "As in Romeo and Juliet?"
"Yeah."
"Are you dating?"
"Not dating. Just seeing each other."
"So it's not serious?"
"I don't know."
"Well you'd know if it was serious. Surely you'd be dating if it was serious. How'd you meet her?"
"At a party. We have mutual friends."
I didn't say anything.
"You there?" he asked.
"Yes, sorry. Um, congratulations, I guess! That's cool."

So I knew of Juliette and was well aware of her presence in Will's life by the time graduation rolled around. I'm not sure why I despised her so much prior to even meeting her. Instinct, I guess.

They were officially in a relationship at this point, having successfully migrated out of the "seeing each other" stage. I was single and had been ever since I broke up with Colin.

"Catalaina," Will said, standing in front of me. "I'd like you to meet Juliette."
She appeared suddenly, an angel sent from the heavens. She was taller than me, but still shorter than Will who stood at six foot three. She was wearing a white dress that stopped just above her knees. She had long blonde hair that fell in waves over her shoulder. Her face was cute and petite. Wide blue eyes, rosy cheeks, pink lips. Her makeup was immaculate. I stared at her, taking in her entire appearance.
"Hi," I said, forcing a smile. Neither one of us stuck out a hand.
"It's a pleasure to finally meet you," she said cheerfully. "I've heard so much about you."
Funny, I thought in my head. I've barely heard anything about you.

I learned that Juliette was studying Biochemistry and Physiology. She was extremely gifted and intelligent. She wanted to work in a lab, create antidotes, cure cancer. She was beautiful and brilliant and the two of them fit together so perfectly it made me sick.

We managed to get through the ceremony amicably. Why he chose to bring her to my graduation was beyond me. But I didn't complain. He was there to see me, and that was all that mattered.

I spent the majority of the day simply observing Juliette and Will together. How they'd stand so close together, his hand resting on the small of her back as they walked. Or how she'd lean in close every time that he spoke. I watched the way they looked at each other. I could see how new and fresh everything was for them. Their relationship was budding and exciting. They were two people who probably wanted to be together all the time, never getting enough of each other. And instead of feeling happiness for my friend, I felt rage.

I thought back to that night in October. This was probably the first girl that Will had been with since me. Or who knows, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Will didn't share everything with me after all, and perhaps there were others. But none that mattered. I mattered. And apparently now so did Juliette.

I racked my brain, scanning back through the years, picking out bits and pieces of memories. Had Will ever looked at me like he looked at Juliette? Did he ever touch me, hold me, or have any inkling of feelings whatsoever like he did for Juliette?

I don't know what it was about her that drove me so insane. He'd had girlfriends before over the years. And I'd had boyfriends. We were just friends. Always had been. So what changed? What happened all of a sudden to cause this sudden shift inside of me? How come when I looked at her with him, I instantly felt nauseous?

The months came and went. May, June, July, August. I was now done school and didn't have a clue what I was going to do next. I had a few interviews for internships, and a potential position as a substitute teacher. This was rare, considering I had just finished my degree. Part of me wanted to take a little break. I was still young, only twenty-two. I wanted to explore the world and see what life had to offer. Jumping into a full-time job was not on the top of my priority list.

I decided to take a year off to travel. I had saved up enough money from part-time jobs throughout the years that I could successfully manage at least six months abroad, and then spend the remaining six months to myself before starting work. I thought about all of the possibilities: Paris, Rome, London, Amsterdam, Verona, Budapest, Reykjavik. And then everything I could do once I got home. I could spend time writing, painting, taking yoga classes, exploring new towns, trying exquisite foods, going on adventures. This year would be a time for me and me only. A time to truly learn about myself and discover who I was as a person, what I wanted out of life.

And learn a lot I did. After countless airplane trips across the sky, and mornings waking up alone in a new city or town, I was truly changed as a person. My outlook on life was altered. There are certain things you can learn in school, but there are other things that you learn while traveling that no one can teach you. You learn a kind of independence that can't be taught. You learn the true value of a place. You learn languages and cultures without even trying. You learn to blend in and conform. And most importantly, how not to conform.

I looked at life differently after that. No longer did I have the same wishes and desires that I previously had. When I really thought about it, the idea of getting married and starting a family no longer appealed to me. I wanted to live an unconventional lifestyle that was curated by nobody else but me.

From a young age we were taught one thing, and that was to conform to societal standards. Do this, say that. Go to school, get a job, get married, have kids. And there's no room in between for anything else. No room for leeway or growth. We are brainwashed to fit these molds and exceed these expectations that are set for us. But does anyone truly sit down and ask you what you want to do with your life? Does anyone truly care?

I no longer wanted the life that was mapped out for me. I craved something new and different. I constantly had this desire to go out and explore, meet new people, try new things, gain new experiences. The conventional life was no longer enough.

I needed more.