𝗠𝘆 𝗦𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗼𝗿³ // 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘯 𝘏𝘰𝘴𝘴𝘭𝘦𝘳

chapter 12

He run his finger gently, almost not touching my scars.
"What's that baby?"
I quickly pulled away my arm from him and he pulled me out of his chest so he can look at me.
I was whole time looking down and playing with my fingers.
I didn't wanted him to see it, I just forgot about it. Great Lexi. Now not that he just saw it and will tell somebody about it, you embarrassed yourself. Great.
"Baby look at me." He said cupping my cheeks as tears rolled down my face.
"Please, tell me what is that.
Did you do that to yourself?"
I didn't say anything, I just looked away from him.
"How long have you been doing it?"
I just cried more.
"Baby you need to talk to me. If we don't talk I won't be able to help you. Please talk to me.
Since we got back from the trip and separated?"
I nodded sniffling and he pulled me in his chest.
He stroked my hair as his grip aroud me was tight, he tried his best comforting me.
I felt him lift me up and place on his lap.
"Please baby, we need to talk, this is serious. You need to talk to me."
He told me still stroking my hair and pulling my head from his chest.
He cupped my face wiping away my tears.
"C'mon baby, you know that I just want to help you.
Why would you do it?"
"I-I just felt al-alone and-and empty a-and s-so numb. I wan-ted to feel s-some-thing."
"Baby you know you're not alone. You have so many friends around you, your family is always there for you, and I promise I'll always be here from now, you don't need to do that to yourself. Okay?
I know it's hard, I can just imagine how you must feel and all the scenarios that are going through your head all the time, but you got it.
You are so strong and worth of love and living. I love you, everyone arounds you loves you, you are not alone. You just need to talk to somebody about your feelings, not just push them away while you are alone home, okay?
I love you Lexi, always and forever. You are my forever love. And I don't know what would I do, waking up one day and realizing you are not on this earth with me anymore. Please don't do it."
Now he joined me crying.
"You are so loved Lexi and so worth of everything on this planet.
Why didn't you tell somebody, talk to somebody?"
I shrugged my shoulders.
"I sto-pped going to t-therapist quite a f-few months a-ago. I-I was s-scared and-and as-ashamed of everything. Th-that guy, it made a big t-trauma for m-me, and I-I'm so a-ashamed of it and em-embarrassed that y-you even had t-t-to see that."
"Lexi, last thing you should do is to be embarrassed baby. He did it, you didn't. He is sick in head and he should be ashamed of himself for touching a woman. And ashamed cause I had to see it, you shouldn't be. I hated seeing it, but it was all but yours fault. I don't see you any different than I did before, you are the same old Lexi to me, this version is just stronger. She went through so much stuff that made her stronger, even if she doesn't think that.
And it's not shame if you stopped needing help but you need it again now. No one will judge you, and if they do judge, they just don't know what you've been through. It's okay to need help from somebody. No matter what is it about.
Lex, your mental health and self care should be always on first place, not other peoples opinions. Who gives a fuck about people if you have yourself?
We are going to talk to your therapist, or find a new one, and you'll start going again if you know it helps you. Okay?"
I just nodded, not being able to form a sentence. He buried my head in his chest and I cried and cried.
He kept whispering things to me, that I am worth it, that I'm so strong, that he loves me so much and stuff like that.
He got up, holding me by my thighs and back, walking in the bathroom.
"C'mon babe, you gotta drink some water and wash your face to calm down."
He sat me down on the counter.
"Can you be here while I get water bottle?"
I nodded and he ran out the room downstairs while I washed my face.
"Here, c'mon."
He handed me opened water bottle.
"Okay we are going back in bed."
He laid me down in bed and laid on my left side, pulling me in his chest.
"You need to promise me that you won't do that anymore and that from now you'll talk to me or anyone else about it.
Can you promise me that?"
I shook my head no and he sighed.
"Please Lex, promise me that you won't do it anymore and that you'll talk about your feelings.
Please do that for me.
I need you to promise me that.
C'mon, I know you can."
"Okay."
"You promise?"
"I promise."
"Thank you for that. It means a whole world to me."
He kissed my head and we laid in bed in silence.
I slowly started calming down and fell asleep.
"I love you so much princess."
I heard him whisper and kiss my head before I fully fell asleep.

I woke up alone in bed, weird. I wrapped myself in a silk robe cause it was a little bit cool in the house and I was in shorts and shirt with spaghetti straps.
I got on my slippers and walked downstairs just to be hit by smell of cooking.
"Morning." I said hugging Jaden from behind, making him jump a bit.
"Sorry."
"Good morning beautiful."
He pecked my nose and turned around finishing his cooking.
"I made pancakes."
"Mm, thank you."
I kissed his shoulder and went to give Marley his food.
"There you go baby boy."
I patted him and sat on the counter beside Jaden.
"You want Nutella or peanut butter?"
"Peanut butter."
"M'kay."
We sat on the island and ate breakfast making a small talk.
"I found a nice clinic, the best therapist people recommend."
"Jadenn." I whined, my eyes filling with tears.
"Lex, don't cry, you know that I am right. You know it's better if you give it a try."
He said grabbing my hand and squeezing it in comfort.
"B-But-"
"No buts, no asses, we'll make appointment today, and you can go and talk to a professional. You need to take your mental health seriously."
I chuckled, but then got back in my sad mode.
"I just don't want you to think that I am crazy or just want attention."
I mumbled and he immediately cupped my face, making me look at him.
"Babe, I don't think you are crazy, everyone struggles and everyone has their problems and it's okay. I don't think you are doing it for attention, I know you don't want anybody knowing about it, cause then you wouldn't hide it."
"Yeah, sure."
"I'm being serious. You are so strong babe."
"Okay, I guess I'll go."
"You want to go?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, today?"
"I guess."
"Good. I'll make appointment. I'm so proud of you babe."
I weakly smiled to him.
For the rest of the morning I showered and dried my hair and got ready to go, since appointment is at 1pm and we need hour and half to get to the clinic, even more if traffic happens to be bad.

"Jae I'm ready."
I said walking downstairs.
I saw him quickly lock the phone, and he was texting someone before. That's weird.
"Okay, I'll have to leave you there, I have some business to do on job, but you text me and I'll pick you up, it's about 20 minutes away from office with car."
"Oh, okay."
We sat in the car and started our ride to therapist. I was really nervous, I never met the woman before, I don't know who she is.

So many thoughts in my mind, and then there's the thing where it keeps bugging me why Jaden is hiding his messages. Usually he isn't like that, he doesn't even mind me going on his phone and through his messages if I want to go. But I won't ask anything now.
"Okay, let's go in."
I nodded and we walked inside of the clinic. It was pretty normal on inside, everything was white and gray with lots of plants.
"Hey, we have appointment at 1pm? Doctor Linda."
Jaden said resting his hands on counter.
"Oh, okay, who is going in?"
"Uh, me."
"Okay, come with me."
I nodded and she started walking.
"I'll see you later beautiful, it will be great, trust me. I love you."
He said quickly pecking my lips.
"I love you too."
I said and waved walking behind a woman.
She opened the doors of the room after knocking, letting me go in.
"Thank you."
I said and she nodded giving me a soft smile.
"Hello."
I said looking at the woman that was standing near table making coffee.
"Hey, Lexi right? I'm Linda, nice to meet you."
"Yeah, nice to meet you too."
"Come on, sit, get comfortable. You drink coffee?"
"Uh, I just had one, but thank you."
"Okay then, you want water?"
"Uh, not really."
"Ay, we ain't playing like that. Here with me you gotta drink something, and you have those snacks there, you have to get some.
I'll give you the water."
She handed me a water bottle and sat across me on her chair.
"So how are you today Lexi?"
"Uh, I'm fine."
"Oh come on, open up, I'm your therapist, you can't tell me you're just fine. If you were fine you wouldn't be here.
Jaden and I already talked of events that happened two months ago, I don't usually share those conservations but it's just for you to know that you can tell me everything."
"Wait, he talked to you?"

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You are not alone! You are loved! You are worth it! Always remember that!!
words count: 1754