Are we really living?//TWD

THIRTY-ONE

Apologizes.

That's all I did in life, is apologize. I can't help it I always feel like something's my fault even when it's not I will always say these words.

'I'm sorry'

The memories of my past have came up a lot today, of my traumatic memories of my father, military, and fighting for my beating heart to keep beating.

Sometimes my brain thinks I'm back there, my tiny house in Italy, when I immigrated, my father beating me to take his anger out on me, getting shot 4 times in war, and losing the people I care for most in the crossfire.

And in that case my brain thinks I'm back there.

I feel sweat on my face, neck, my back, just everywhere. I breathing heavily like someone is taking away my oxygen.

I get up from the living room where everybody is sleeping, even Daryl isn't awake.

I stumble to the kitchen and I turn on the cold water and I start splashing it on my face trying calm myself down.

But it's like it's happening all over again, like he's slashing my skin, beating me with the metal part of his belt, punching me, kicking me, laughing at me for keeping myself alive, and him shooting me all.at.once.

'Your so pathetic' 'look at yourself' 'Your dead already'

"No.." I mutter gripping the hem of my shirt.

'It's all your fault, this is why your mother left us'

"No she left you..not me" I say with the back of my hips on the edge of the counter.

'Your gonna die alone with nobody there for you'

I cover my mouth with the bottom of my shirt, trying to stop the sobs coming up from the back of my throat. My eyes started to water, but I didn't want to cry.

I sucked in a huge breath of air but it still feels like someone in taking away from me. My chest feels incredibly heavy, like there's a 100 pound dumbbell on my chest.

I feel like I'm drowning but something is holding me down, my clothing feels really tight on my body.

'Your just one of gods mistakes, he wants me to beat the devil outta you. Don't you want your sins to be forgiven?'

"That's not true." I whisper. The people I'm with, my family they care about me a lot more than he ever did.

I roll up my sleeve and I can see the old but they look very new. I grab my knife from my waist then I cut about an inch of skin, I just need something to distract me from the loss of air.

Soon enough I stared focusing on the pain, when I dug my knife deeper the more I didn't feel so dizzy.

When I started to get in control of my mental state, I pulled the knife away feeling my blood pour out of my body through the wound.

I stare out into the darkness nothing just an emptiness, I really want Daryl right here beside me. I really have no idea why but I care about him a lot and I'm hoping he cares about me too.

I start to sink into the ground with my back pressed against the counter. I stare into the ground with my knife still in my hand.

I rolled my sleeve back down not even caring if the blood is gonna get soaked up. I hear someone walk around the kitchen island then the footsteps stops when they stand in front of me.

I recognize Maggie's shoes, she walks over to my left side then plops down next to me. "How bad was it this time?" She questioned not looking at me.

"Pretty bad." I answered.

"When was the last time you had one?" She asked me.

"A month ago."

"What did you do to make it stop?" She asks and I roll up my sleeve to show her the new fresh cut that had dry blood on it.

"I tried Maggie, I tried I couldn't breathe." I say with my voice cracking at the end. She pulls my head down to her shoulder considering the height difference.

"Do you wish I was different?" I ask her with no emotion in my voice, she sighs while moving my hair out of my face and brushing through it just a bit.

"If there were a whole bunch of best friends to pick from, I would always pick you even with all your shit attached" she says with a breathy laugh.

"Your husband called me his sister today" I blurt.

"I mean technically your his sister-in-law even though there's no law to begin with" she says and I softly chuckle.

"Ok your vehicle is all done, your oil is changed and I fixed your engine." I say to the woman, she has brown hair and a really nice smile.

"Thank you so much for this, my husband with be so happy" she says with a huge smile.

"How are you paying?" I ask her.

"My husbands, debit" she says then pulls out her card from her purse wallet thing. The card says 'Negan Prescott' that's a funny name.

"I am sure your husband will be thrilled" I say with a grin, I swipe the card and it goes through. "You are all done" I say then I hand her back her card.

"Thank you, might I say I love your face tattoos they really bring out your eyes" she says and I smile bigger from her compliment.

"Thank you, what was your name?" I ask.

"Lucille and yours?" She says then sticking her hand out.

"Tonya" I say and she nods.

"Well Tonya I really hope we become friends" she says and I nod.

A/n: what up BITCHES!!
Im kidding. Oh my gawd tonya knows lucille *pretends to be shocked* i appreciate all of you and i care about all of you