Marvel Oneshots

Bucky Barnes x Reader - Guilt

Trigger warning- Mentions of suicide

Y/N's P.O.V.

I felt awful. I had felt awful for weeks.
I was free from HYDRA's control, but I wasn't free from what I did. What they made me do.
I felt like I was drowning in guilt and no matter what anyone said, no matter how many times I was told that it wasn't my fault, nothing made me feel okay. I barely even felt human.

"Y/N? What are you doing in here?" Steve asked, coming towards we with a tired smile. He must have just got back from his morning run with Sam and Bucky.
He dropped down next to me on the couch, and I put my notebook down.
"Bucky has gone to look for you. It's early, so we presumed you'd be in your room."

"I couldn't- I haven't been able to sleep." I shook my head and his smile fell.

"Nightmares?" He guessed and I half shrugged. That was part of the reason, sure, but to have nightmares you actually had to sleep and the overwhelming guilt was stopping me from getting much.
"I know it's hard and I know I can't fully understand, but you can talk to me about them, you know? Or maybe if you want to talk to Buck? I know he's had his fair share of nightmares too."

"Talking isn't going to help." I mumbled, standing up.
"I'm going to shower."

"Hey..." Steve took my wrist carefully, causing me to look at him.
"It's gonna get better, okay?" I didn't respond, I just sighed and dragged myself over to the elevator, seeing Steve's pitying eyes on me as the doors closed. I hated the pity I got from him and everyone else in this tower. I wasn't weak. I was a killer. I didn't deserve their pity or their sympathy, or anything of the sort.
The elevator dinged as it stopped on the right floor and stepping out, I saw my bedroom door open slightly.

"What are you doing in here?" I asked Bucky carefully, seeing him sat on the edge of the bed. He didn't look up from the item in his hands and when I saw the gun, my breath hitched in my throat.
It was an old one, a revolver that belonged to my father. It had been given to me by SHIELD after I was free from HYDRA's control, along with a few other personal belongings.

"One bullet." He spoke calmly, opening the chamber and tipping the bullet out onto his hand.
"Why does this only have one bullet?"

"I don't know." I lied.
"Why were you going through my things?" I looked at him and his eyes refused to meet mine.

"It was on your desk. I knocked it off accidentally." He answered.
"Why does it only have one bullet?" He repeated.

"I told you. I don't-"

"Yes you do, don't lie. Not to me." He cut me off, standing up. He slipped the bullet back into the gun, holding it out in the palm of his hand.
"Just tell me this isn't for what I think it's for."

"I thought you didn't want me to lie?" I looked at him, my throat dry. He lowered the gun, nodding his head slowly. His eyes met mine and they were full of pain and sadness. He also looked angry, but not at me.
I blinked and he was holding the gun to his temple. I snatched it from him and threw it against the pillows on my bed.

"Don't fucking joke around like that." I snapped at him, feeling my chest rise and fall quickly with anger and nervousness.

"Is that what you were planning on doing?" He asked.
"Joking around?"

"You don't get it." I moved away from him.
"The guilt is killing me. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I'm constantly terrified I'm going to lose control of myself and hurt someone."

"I do get it. I understand better than anyone, because I feel guilty too, Y/N. I killed people too. You think I don't lay awake at night, trapped in guilt?" He shook his head. His tone wasn't angry, it was hurt. I sat on the edge of my bed, putting my head in my hands and letting out a shaky breath.
"Talk to me."

"I don't want to talk!" I looked up at him.
"I don't want to talk about the nightmares, or the memories, or the guilt. I just want it all to be over. I want the pain- the guilt to stop."

"I know." His voice was no more than a whisper.
"But that isn't the way. That will never be the right way to fix things. If you use that bullet on yourself then HYDRA wins." He sat down next to me, wrapping his arms around me and holding me close.
"You can't let them win, Y/N. Promise me you won't let them take you from me?"

"I..." Tears burned my eyes.
"Okay." I agreed.
"But I need you to do something for me in return."

"Anything." He mumbled and I reached over, picking up the gun with shaky hands and giving it back to me.

"Take this and put it somewhere I'm not going to find it?" I asked and he nodded, taking it from me.
"Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet, Y/N." He pressed a small kiss to my head.
"We're both going to get through this, then you can thank me, alright?"