Today is the funeral. I can't even begin to explain how nervous I am. I woke up and put a black dress on, curled my hair and put mascara on. Waterproof mascara is probably the best right now. I know I'm going to be crying. I got Bella in a little black dress with little flats. Poor girl. She will never know her grandma.
We got in the car and were driving to the church building. Once we got there I took Bella out and brought her to the pews we sat in. Front row. I was not ready to speak. The pews filled up quick with weeping people and family members. Justin walked in and sat down next to me.
"Your gonna do great."
I sat silently. I'm trying to get my mind somewhere else. Anywhere but here. The bishop started talking but I really wasn't listening. I'm the last speaker. My dad first. He said pretty much every memory he had of her. Matt second. He can't even speak. Derek third. Jessie fourth. Now me. I walked up and stood at the podium. I took a breath.
"... Ariel McClaren was my second adoptive mom. But out of all the mothers I had... She had to have loved me the most. I could have never asked for a better woman to call my mom."
I started tearing up.
".... She was so beautiful, and sweet. God, I only knew her for a year and its feels like I have known her my whole 16 year life. Mom, you really helped me with a lot. Bella.... My pregnancy... My whole wardrobe is all from you. You also gave me a loving and open home. I love you so much. I need you Mom. I can't stop thinking of you. Mom please stay with me in spirit. I love you."
I was bawling. I walked off and ran out. I ran into the woman's restroom. Tears running down my face like waterfalls. Justin ran in. He's in the girls restroom.
"What the hell are you doing in here?"
"Ashley I know this is hard. Please come here."
"I'm fine."
Not really.
"Come here."
I ran over to him and he held me. I love him so much. I'm so lucky to have him.
"I love you so much." I was crying so hard everything was like a stutter.
"I love you too."
We walked out and back into the pews we sat in. I calmed myself. After the funeral was over there was a viewing of my mom. She was still beautiful as always. I kissed her forehead. She is so lifeless and cold. I miss her. I couldn't handle it. I walked into my car and sat there for a little. I open my glove compartment looking for tissues. I found an envelope.
To: Ashley
I opened it and there was a hand written note.
Hi Ashley..
I'm writing this because I know I am dying. I just wanted to tell you a few words before I can't. You are an amazing young lady Ashley. Your talented, beautiful and just perfect. I love you so much. I'm so sorry for putting Bella and I in so much danger. I just want you to know it was not my fault at all. The car on my right was about to hit Bella full on. So I swerved to the left and hit another car that flipped our car over. I know you don't blame me, but I do want you to win my court case. You need to make sure Bella stays taken care for. I know you will. You are a great mom for 16. Bella, Justin, and you will all be with me soon. Don't think this is the end, because its not. You can get through this. Pray to me whenever. I will be there to comfort you in spirit. You will be okay I promise. I love you so much. Tell Justin to get his shit together and hurry up and propose. Just kidding. Don't let Bella think she never had a grandma. Please keep your grades up. Go to college. Do everything you want to do in life. The only person stopping you is you. Here is 100,000 dollars. This is for college only. Keep it and get into the college of your dreams. I love you so much baby. Things will get better. I love you. I will miss seeing your beautiful smile, your gorgeous brown hair, your big brown eyes. I will miss it all. I love you baby. Remember who you are.
-Mommy<3
I bawled through that whole thing. I can't believe I found this. 100,000 dollars for college? That's amazing. I can get into Long Beach or Harvard. I can't believe she did this. This letter made me so happy. Happier than anything. I love you Mom.
