Life has been so hard since my mom had passed. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. My mom was probably my favorite person. She took me places, treated me like her own, she took care of Bella a lot more than I wanted her to. She was everything. Now she is just gone.
I keep waking up and going to her room in the middle of the night. I always hope that she is laying there next to my dad. She is never there.
My mom was too young. Too fucking young. She should not be gone. But she is. I feel so empty. It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.
For the past week I have sat in my room in silence. I haven't gone anywhere or done anything. Justin came over one time and asked if I wanted to do something.
"C'mon Ashley. You need to take your mind off of everything. Let's just take a week vacation."
"No.... I can't do this. I'm sorry. Can you just take Bella somewhere for a week. I can't handle anything right now. I need to be alone."
He didn't say anything. He grabbed a few of Bella's things and walked out with Bella. I just need to be alone.
Now it has been a week, and my moms funeral is tomorrow. I'm speaking. I'm already going to be a waterfall, and now I have to try and contain myself to speak. Ugh. Phone rings.
Justin
Hey Ash.. We are coming back home. I hope your doing okay. I love you.
Love you too.
I have turned off my phone all week. I decided to turn it on today. I didn't realize how many people texted me, called me, DMed me. I check all of the texts first.
Aunt May
Ashley I hope your doing okay. I tried calling you. We know what you are going through. Talk to me whenever you can. I love you.
Lily
Hey Ash. I'm so sorry. I heard about your mom. That's terrible. I love you so much Ashley. Call me when you can. I want you to know I'm here for you. I know I haven't been around in a while but I'm still here to help you.
Aunt Jenn
Sweetie are you alright. We know your pain. I want you to know I am here. You are strong you will get through this. Love you.
Grandma
It will all be alright.
Justin
Babe I know your phone is off but I love you and know how hard this is for you. Please talk to me so I can help you prepare for the funeral. I could never imagine losing my mom. I want to help you in any way. Love you.
Ugh all these texts make me upset. Im going to call Lily.
The phone was ringing.
Oh god Ashley. How are you?
Hi Lily.
Are you doing okay?
...I... I just can't do this.
Its okay Ash. I understand. Do you want me to come over?
Can you?
Yes of course I will be there soon.
I hung up. I haven't seen Lily in forever. I just want to talk to someone who understands how much it sucks to lose their mom. She lost her mom when she was 12. Cancer. I got a little bit ready. I just put a big long shirt on. I don't feel like actually getting ready.
I heard my front door open and footsteps upstairs. She knocked.
She walked in because I didn't answer. I was sitting in the corner of my bed towards the wall. She got on my bed and held me. I lost it once she put her arms around me. Crying. Screaming. That's all I could do. She started crying too.
She looked up at me.
"I'm so sorry."
I couldn't respond. I collected my thoughts and tried to say something.
"She was too fucking young. Why would she just go away. I need her. She saved me and now she is gone!"
I was screaming those words. I heard more footsteps coming upstairs. Matt walked in. He got on my bed and held me too.
"I know Ash. It fucking sucks."
I cried and cried till I had a headache. I don't know what to do with myself. Lily had to go. Matt walked out and I was alone again. I decided to check my Instagram.
Posts upon posts about my mom. "RIP to Ariel" "We loved her" "Your family will be in our prayers" just the same stuff you hear from people that act like they understand.
I fell asleep and heard my door open. I opened my eyes for a second and saw Justin and Bella walk in. He put Bella in her little bed and got in mine. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my head. A tear streamed down my face.
