Me Llamo Tokio (My Name Is Tokyo) - A Money Heist Prequel

Chapter 48 - Happiness Is A Butterfly

Tatiana closes the door behind her.
Here I am, laying on a puffy couch, back again in the sumptuous living room with the concert piano.
Weeks ago Tatiana was showing Juan all the important points of Madrid on the huge map that was still on the table, but now he's not here anymore. For some strange reason, she asked him to remain outside with Rodrigo and Alonso.
"Do you want me to call a doctor or can I take a look at you?" she asks while getting closer.
"You can." I say confused. "But, why?"
"For now it's just a theory, I'll tell you after." Tatiana says while kneeling on the floor, next to my improvised bed.
"Alright." I sigh.
Tatiana pulls up my T-shirt, unveiling my abdomen and starts palpating it gently. Then, she undoes my bra and moves to my breasts, catching my nipples between her fingers, like she's looking for something in there.
"How it feels?" she asks.
"Weird." I reply honestly.
"No, not the action itself." she laughs. "I'm talking about your breasts."
"Oh that." I reply sheepishly and take a few moments to analyze the sensation. "They feel hard in a way."
I know the investigation is done because she helps me put back my bra and arranges my T-shirt back.
"How often you felt sick the past few weeks?" Tatiana asks.
"I'm not sure." I have to do a fast remember of all my sickness moments and, truth to be told, comparing to how I was before, they were quite often. "Well, it might've been like a few times per week, but I don't know. Sometimes I was getting drunk with Juan, I was also agitated the last couple of days."
Now it's crystal clear where she's hinting and I'm here trying to cling myself to one last hope, that maybe my life isn't ruined in that way and trying to put the blame on the countless nights soaked in alcohol or stress.
"When was your last period?" her question cuts me like a double bladed sword.
I put a hand on my chest while trying to stabilize the way I'm breathing while the panic takes over me. Ever since I left Barcelona, my period never came.
"July." I whisper.
And now it's the end of September.
In the moment when my tears start running down my cheeks, Tatiana hugs me tightly.
"Don't say it." I'm so scared to hear the word. "I..."
"I won't." she says. "Silene, if this is not what you want, I can help you."
I don't even know what I want.
"Juan." suddenly I'm even more panicked. "Please don't tell him."
"I won't." Tatiana is now caressing my hair. "But you have to decide pretty soon. I'm no expert, but I know some stuff and you're getting closer to the date where they won't be able to do anything about it."
I can't reply because the tears don't stop coming from my eyes. I should've thought about it ever since I first made love with Juan, yet I was too caught up in the moment and too absorbed by him to think even for a split second about the consequences. And here I am now, caught by a completely different thing, a small part of Juan growing inside me.
If someone would've asked me before what I think about kids I would've told them that I'm in no way going to deal with a disgusting creature that all it does is poop, pee and sleep. I was definitely a no kids policy kind of person and I was always careful with the people that I was sleeping with. In fact, this never happened to me before, because contraception was like my religion. Well, I guess that lasted until Juan appeared.
"I have to think about it." I say.
If it would've been with someone else I would've asked Tatiana where she keeps her abortion pills, but not with Juan, and not after what happened.
Any sane person would say that it's not a good idea to think about having a kid with the man who just raped you a few days ago, but I'm not sane, not at all. So, I decide that the safest thing to do now is wait. Not for too long, but at least a few days. I want to see how things between me and Juan work and, eventually tell him. Only after I'll see his reaction I'll be a hundred percent sure about what I have to do.

Happiness is a butterfly. You can never catch it for good and once you caught it in your palm it flies to another place, far from you. If you try to hold it for too long it might actually die and the entire joy of holding it will disappear in a few seconds.
"Are you okay?" Juan asks me when I get out of the room.
"Yes, I'm fine." I lie. "It's just my stupid stomach again."
My butterfly definitely flew away from my palm right in the moment when I was holding him. But there's no way back now, all I can do is hope that it'll return in one way or another.
"I gave her some meds, she'll be better." Tatiana adds and, unlike me she wasn't lying. "You should take care of her."
"I will." he says taking my hand.
Now, I wonder if I really lost my butterfly of happiness, or it just flew a bit down and made a nest in my womb.
"That poison affected her." Tatiana says.
"You know?" Juan is shocked and so am I.
"Yes, of course." she replies. "I know everything."
Well, not everything, because I'm pretty sure she would've reacted differently towards Juan if she'd knew what he did to me.
"I gave her some meds." Tatiana looks at me. "I hope it'll help her."
Indeed she put some stuff for my upset stomach and morning sickness in my backpack, but between these she sneaked an abortion pill too. Eleven weeks, that's the maximum amount of time till I could take it and according to Tatiana I might've hit this point. She advised me to use it in one or two days which meant that I have to decide fast, adding even more pressure.
"Thank you so much." Juan says throwing his arm protectively around me. "I'll take care of her."
I'm not sure if he will, but I know he'll try. Ever since we talked on Rodrigo's yacht Juan's attitude seems to improve.
All I want is to be with him like we used to, not afraid of his reaction so I could tell him about the biggest problem that's pressing on me. But, unfortunately, I'm not sure if we'll hit that absolute point of love anytime soon. I'm afraid that the pill's deadline isn't enough for me and Juan to fix our relationship up to the point of freely discussing everything no matter how hard we'll both try.
"I love you." he whispers in my ear as we walk down the huge corridor. "I love you so much."
Something breaks inside me. I'm not sure what or why, but I feel how my soul is falling apart.
"I love you too." I say.
I'm not sure if I've ever made such a soulless and bitter declaration of love.