Me Llamo Tokio (My Name Is Tokyo) - A Money Heist Prequel

Chapter 57 - Things Don't Always Go As Planned

I'm not strong enough. No matter the things I've been through the last couple of months, apparently nothing gave me enough force to be able to overcome my past. I feel as weak as a chicken who barely hatched and this isn't a thing that will help me to survive.
"Silene?" Juan is worried, as always.
Actually, ever since he picked me up from the gas station's parking lot yesterday he's been in a constant state of agitation, trying to do his best to help me. But it's not about taking care of me now, because no matter how much you nurture my body and try to please my external needs won't help even for a second to calm the storm that's unleashed inside.
I feel his fingers moving on my hand, caressing me up my elbow and back, with circular motions, like I'm a kid and this ritual is meant to calm me. His skin is soft and I almost laugh, as I remember that this is one of the first things that I remarked about him.
"Silene?"
I continue to ignore him and prefer to let my mind fly of that day when I stood in my living room and looked at him while he was asleep. Not even half a year has passed since that moment and here I am, laying down in bed, pregnant with his child and exhausted after coming back from a lifesaving mission to ensure that my mom is keeping her mouth shut.
Who would've believed? Me pregnant and above all, married. Quite the funny plot twist of my life. I the one who vowed to remain single and defiantly not interested into multiplication or however this is called, doing the exact opposite.
"We need to trigger your bipolar side."
Juan you have no idea. I mentally laugh of the coincidence. This man was acting like he was living inside my mind. I guess he kinda was and rent free too. But, good luck with that.
After yesterday's episode things went a bit far as I started to drawn in depression and guilt. These weren't as bad if it wasn't for my cowardice, the main reason why I'm here now, sitting in bed and being unable to do even the simple act of feeding myself. I was upset because I couldn't confront my mother.
"How about some alcohol?" Juan is trying really hard, but he needs more than a bottle of liquor to bait me out of bed.
I simply can't. I can't reply. I can't think. I can't even listen to phrases till the end. My life is now defined by this beauty of a word — can't. All because my dumbass couldn't at least tell the woman who brought me into this miserable word and took care to make my life even more miserable, a single fucking thing about what bothered me. While I was there, in the house that was like a prison, it felt like I was stuck. Luckily, I was able to focus on the mission and deter her from talking to the police, but that was the only good thing that I could do. The rest was just a mess of me being the dumb girl that was lying to her and fooling her while trying to escape from that place as soon as possible.
Juan didn't reproach me a thing. On the contrary, he was very supportive and told me that I did so many good things for us both. He even went as far as saying that I'm the savior of the entire situation, but none of his words were making me calm down. I was just becoming more agitated and angry on my own self and my stupid incapacity to speak up.
"Here it is," he says placing a bottle of old whiskey on the nightstand. "Maybe we'll be able to access your bipolar self and put you back on your feet."
I shake my head in disagreement. I don't even look at him because I'm too ashamed. Part of me is aware that Juan has no fault in this entire shit of a situation, yet he's the one who has to suffer the most. One thing I know for sure, sometimes you suffer more than the one who's experiencing the pain just by standing there and trying to do your best for them. And, there's nothing worse than to struggle and see that what you're doing has no effect. So, for the sake of this person who stood by my side in some of the most difficult moments, I have to push myself and at least try to get over my own problems.
"Alright," I give up only for the sake of his sanity, "put me a glass."

After a few hours, I realized that maybe his idea wasn't that stupid. As, I was dancing with him on the rhythms of an iconic merengue song, I finally felt free.
There's not even a single trace of my mother and what happened yesterday, not to talk about the fact that, with the help of alcohol, I wasn't aware even of the traces of the past anymore.
It's funny how I didn't want to trust Juan's method, but I should've thought about it too. If he was offering to help me to get drunk while he was preaching about a less alcohol policy while I'm pregnant, the situation was indeed serious and the method very much needed.
His hands are moving over my hips, making me feel like our connection has been tightened just with this simple gesture. There's just the music running through our veins, combined with love, forming a cocktail that can have only a single result — an explosion of passion evoked not only through movement but feelings too.
"Would you like to take a break?" Juan asks when the song ends.
I shake my head, rejecting the request. I know he's just being careful with me, but I don't wish to stop right now and go back to the abyss of a reality that I tried so hard to dig myself out from.
He protected me enough yesterday. After he brought me in he called Rodrigo and asked to talk with a doctor about my sudden bleeding. Then, after the man from the other side of the line tried to convince him that's nothing wrong with me, he came back and took care of me the entire day.
Apparently, that spontaneous bleeding was a result of stress. Obviously Juan felt the need to blame himself, because he was the one who came up with the idea to visit my mom and that resulted in me trying to ensure that he's not having a guilt trip over it.
The little thing inside me is absolutely fine, and I guess that's all that matters for now. I have alcohol, I'm married, I solved the issue with my mother and I'd dare to say that I'm finally getting over it, so what else can I ask for in life?
"Another song, please!" the request flies from between my lips.
I guess this is my nature. No matter how many things I have, I'll always find a reason to want something more. One day this will lead to my destruction, but I'm pretty sure it's not today.