Me Llamo Tokio (My Name Is Tokyo) - A Money Heist Prequel

Chapter 16 - Constellations

I open my eyes to find out that Juan was awake. His arms wrapped around my body, his fingers gently caressing my back, and now, his lips over mine.
"Good morning." he says while still playing with my lower lip.
"Morning." I reply laughing.
I still can't believe this is real. No matter how much I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not dreaming, it seems like it doesn't work. So many good things have happened to me in the last few days, that I'm staying here, while Juan is kissing my neck and whispering in my ear how much he loves me, waiting for something big and painful to hit us in any moment.
Isn't this what you wanted? My voices come to question me. And I guess my conscience is right in a way. I used to suffer because Juan was indifferent towards me and now, that he revealed his true feelings, I'm suffering because I don't suffer anymore. Probably no one will find a weirder person on this planet. But, this is who I am, and dealing with depression for more than a half of your life makes you question everything, including your own judgment or the nice things that happen to you. Because, after you've been through so much pain, when something good comes out on the horizon, you take it but, in any moment, you're expecting to pay the price for it.
"Mi amor."* Juan says a bit concerned, probably seeing that I was caught up in my thoughts.
"Yes." I reply trying to banish the negativity out of my mind.
"Are you okay?" he asks, his green eyes fixating mine like he's trying to read inside my soul.
"Yes, I'm fine. I was just thinking." I reply, in an attempt to sound as convincing as possible.
"About?" he doesn't look convinced.
"What are we gonna do today." I say, trying to show him a genuine smile.
He smiles back. Apparently, he bought it.
"You'll see." he replies happier. "I have a surprise for you tonight."
I smile, and this time nothing was forced anymore. Juan was making me feel genuinely happy.
After all, life happens only once, live as you wish as much as you can, because before you'll die, the only things that will remain are the memories. And, talking about memories, these are the ones that will never leave my mind, no matter what will happen to us in the end.

Have you ever went to an art gallery? I guess so. But, have you ever been to an art gallery with the love of your life?
I'm still not sure if it was a good idea to see the National Gallery after everything that happened last night.
Juan seemed to know everything about each painting and sculpture from here. But, my mind wasn't staying at the old masters and their works, it was continuously thinking about only one masterpiece — Juan.
So, instead of admiring the art, we ended up kissing wherever it was a free room. Rafael, Dürer, Lopes and Gonçalves were now forced to witness our uncontrollable desire for each other.
We left the gallery, and, if it wasn't for his surprise, I would've wanted to ask him to go back to the apartment. But, I decided to wait and see what other things this man wants to share with me besides his body.
For lunch I'm introduced to a new Portuguese dish, carne de porco alentejana.
"Pork and clams." Juan presented it with pride. "One of the country's most distinct dishes."
This guy really loves Portugal. I was a bit scared to try out the combination that sounded a bit weird at first, but seeing how he was devouring it, I made myself courage and took a bite. Surprisingly, it wasn't bad and, after a few more test bites, I realized that I like it. But, what I enjoyed the most about our meal was our sour cherry liquor that was served in chocolate cups, the perfect combination between a dessert and an alcoholic drink.
When we finish and leave the restaurant, we're being hit by a huge wave of heat. After a few minutes of walking, I feel how my breath gets cut, and I'm trying desperately to cool myself by using a flier as a fan.
"Come on, I know the perfect place where we can stay till the heat passes." he says worried. "It's not far from here."
He was right, in less than five minutes of walking through the tiny streets we reach a wooden door that has a small sign at the entrance where you could've read: bookstore. As we walk in, I realize that the place is bigger than I expected. Books both new and old are exposed on impressive shelves that are almost touching the ceiling.
Juan takes my hand and guides me on the stairs to the second floor, where a tiny cafe is stashed between the endless rows of shelves.
"I'll order something to drink." he says. "Go on the next aisle in the back, there you'll find my spot. I hope it's still there."
I smile as I follow his indications. This was another intimate thing that he wanted to share with me.
His place was still there and it was beautiful. Just a pair of old armchairs and a tea table placed between two huge shelves. But, the nicest thing about his spot wasn't only the privacy that it was offering, but the small stained glass window overlooking the city. I take a seat and look on the window, at the rooftops around that were now all colored in green, red and blue because of the glass.
Juan comes with two ice teas and puts them on the table.
"Thank you." I say, taking a sip from the cold beverage. "This place is amazing."
"I'm glad you like it. It's one of my favorite places." he says shyly.
He's not sitting down, instead he takes a look on a shelf next to him, starting to take out a few books from their place.
"Where is it?" I hear him whispering to himself.
After a few moments his frowning face turns into a joyful one, when his hands reach an old leather bound book.
"I wanted to read you something." Juan says while taking a seat on the armchair in front of me.
He opens the book and I see how his fingers are shaking a bit while he's turning the pages.
"Above all, to my love, I'll be attentive
First and always, with care and so much
That even when facing the greatest enchantment
By love be more enchanted my thoughts.
I want to live it through in each vain moment
And in its honor I'll spread my song
And laugh my laughter and cry my tears
When you are sad and when you are content." he starts translating the poem from Portuguese and I feel my cheeks burning.
No one ever recited me a poem and it makes me feel so emotional.
"And thus, when later comes looking for me
Who knows the death, anxiety of the living,
Who knows the loneliness, end of all lovers
I'll be able to say to myself of the love:
Be not immortal, since it is flame
But but be infinite while it lasts." he concludes, closing the book.
I'm struggling so much no to cry, so I'm pretending that I'm suddenly thirsty and take a few sips from my tea.
"It was beautiful." I say, trying to adjust my voice.
"Thank you." he replies and I think I can see some redness in his cheeks too. "It's called Sonnet of Fidelity by Vinícius de Moraes. I hid this book in the bottom of the bookcase the last time when I came here. And I promised myself that I won't dig it out unless I'll have to recite that poem to someone special."
"And you think I'm worth all the digging?" I laugh.
"You're worth filling the pages of all these books around here." he replies seriously. "You're more than someone can dream of. You know, last night I was thinking about something."
"About what?" I ask curiously.
"That you're the answer to all my prayers. It's inexplicable how you do it, but you fill all the voids inside me. I feel no pain when I'm with you, only an endless love pouring through my veins."
Besides the fact that he voiced everything that was going on inside me, I realized something about him too. Juan was, like me, a loner, a wanderer soul who was still looking for a purpose in life. I think that's why we fell for each other, because we found a purpose in each other. He went with the gangs to numb the pain after his mother's death, while I left home in a desperate attempt to run from the past, but none of us really found solace until now.
"I should've listened to Rodrigo." I say exactly what went through my mind in that second.
"Rodrigo?" Juan laughs.
Probably I destroyed our romantic moment by mentioning that brat, but it was true.
"Yes, him." I say. "He told me I should confess my feelings to you. And, maybe, if I would've done it, I would've freed you of your pain earlier."
"Silene." he takes my hand in his. "Don't blame yourself because it's not your fault here. You gave me enough signs that I pretended I didn't see because I was trying to protect you."
I feel so ashamed of the fact that he got all my signs, but I can't do anything about them now.
"How about the thing with mixing love and work never works?" I ask him, imitating his voice.
"Fuck that!" he says laughing. "This is something completely different."
"Like what?" I ask raising an eyebrow. "An affair?"
"No." he replies smiling. "Something deeper than just love."
"Mhmm." I say teasing him. "Something like what?"
In a second, he's up taking me with him to a dark corner between two shelves.
"Something like this." he says kissing me deeply.
From a poem things degenerated into something way more unexpected. My hands were under his shirt while his were holding my hips, and I was feeling the hard corners of the books hitting my back while his lips were embracing mine.
"Shit." he whispers.
In the same moment, I hear the voices coming from the aisle behind us.
When two people appear, we are into opposite corners, both reading from some random books. Juan comes silently, takes the book from my hands and turns it.
"You were reading backwards." he whispers in my ear and I can't hold my laugh. "Let's go somewhere else."
His idea is great, since the store was becoming really crowded with a group of asian tourists who were taking pics desperately at all the things around them.
"People should learn to live the moment." I tell Juan while we were waiting for the cashier to scan the poetry book that he decided to buy after God knows how many years it had been staying hidden there.
"Yes, indeed." replies the lady behind the desk in a perfect Spanish.
Juan hands her the money while she gives him the book and I thank Rodrigo in my mind for giving us some bills that were looking way better than Juan's muddy ones.
"Take care of her." the lady says and I'm not sure if she's referring to me or the old book.
But we don't get to say anything as the tourists manage to make half of a shelf collapse and the lady starts screaming at them in English.
"It's funny how they come to our countries and think they own everything." I tell Juan as we walk out of the bookstore.
"Come on, they're not that bad. The shelf thing... it just happened." he replies smiling.
"We should invade them too." I laugh. "And do exactly like they do here."
"Alright, it's all set." he replies hugging me from a side. "Once we'll gather some money, I'll take you to Asia to destroy their bookstores."
"I wanna go to Japan." I say playing along.
"Then, the first time we'll be able to leave the peninsula, I'll take you to Tokyo." he says. "To see the cherry blossoms."
This was nicer than I thought, because, for a second, I imagined myself walking hand in hand with him through the parks filled with cherries, inhaling their perfume and not having anything to worry about anymore. But I don't want to think about it too much. What I have now is more than I've ever imagined.
He admitted his feelings for me, we're here in a place so dear to him, last night we made love for the first time and I don't think there's something better than this entire vacation.
"Thank you." I say as we walk down the narrow streets, his hand holding mine tightly, like he's afraid that if he'll loosen the grip, I'll slip through his fingers and he'll lose me forever. "Thank you for taking me here. For wanting to share this with me."
He turns to look at me and smiles.
"The fact that you like it here. This thing fills my heart with joy. Because, you see, after my mother died, I swore to myself that I won't go back to Lisbon unless I'll have a reason to do it. And here you are, my reason." 
"Thank you." I say, not really sure what to answer. "This means a lot to me."
And it was true. No one ever made me feel that special before. For the first time in my life, I was discovering how it really is to be treated nicely, cared about and loved, instead of just used and abused.
I'm pretty sure that many won't agree with me and Juan just because he's not from a category that's socially accepted. Unfortunately, people are now looking at jobs and careers instead of someone's soul and intentions.
I guess that's why I left home in the first place and, apparently, my second home too, because I was never meant to fit in a sick society and follow their rules.
My entire life my soul longed for this kind of freedom that I have now. I guess the way I should put it is that my soul always longed for Juan, because only with him I feel that I'm completely alive.