Me Llamo Tokio (My Name Is Tokyo) - A Money Heist Prequel

Chapter 63 - Muñequita Linda

Happiness is a lightning bolt. An exhalation lasts, and then, you fall. And when you touch the sky, the fall is huge.
This is exactly how I was feeling while staying on the hard bed overlooking the painted ceiling from what used to be Juan's house. The world is crumbling around me and I can't do anything to stop it.
"Breathe," Alicia tells me in one of the softest voices she has, "it'll be fine, you'll see."
But, I'm sure it won't be. I knew that nothing is fine when the doctors that Rodrigo sent here asked Juan to get out of the room to talk to him.
They brought me here because they thought it's the best place to be while giving birth even if I would've liked more the intimacy of our storehouse and only Juan's presence.
Alicia gets out too, slamming the door and, quickly I hear her screams on the hallway. But, I'm too tired to distinguish the words too.
The pain hit me in different waves and intensities during the last few agonizing hours. From medium to extreme, up to the point when the pain is so excruciating that I don't feel it anymore.
"Water," I demand and immediately a young nurse comes to me with a glass of the refreshing liquid.
I'm not sure who are these doctors, but from what I heard Rodrigo bribed the best ones. They were all scared for me and I was feeling kinda bad for the entire thing. I didn't want to give birth, not like that and in this circumstances, but I'm pretty sure that everything is happening because of what that bitch Clara gave me.
Alicia and her weird ass medicine saved me. That's what the doctors said the first time they saw me. And, in a way I hated this, to owe my life to someone that in a few hours, when she'll be out of here, we'll be back to being a fucking cop and hunt us.
"I haven't seen anything," Alicia said in the moment when they brought me to Juan's old house.
Weirdly, I believed her. I think that for her, after this day, things will be back to normal, but for Tatiana's sake she'll have the decency to keep the secrets that she saw. Only, I know Alicia. I had enough time to get used to her and learn some stuff about her. And, what scares me is that, at some point, if these informations will be vital for her career, I'm not sure if she'll still keep them or use for her own interest.
The door opens and Alicia bursts in screaming, "I'm gonna tell her, spare me the bullshit she has to know. I'm not letting you all treat her like a fool."
A disappointed looking Juan comes after her, followed by one of the doctors who's face isn't too different either.
"Forget what I told you," Alicia says taking my hand in hers. "The thing is that it's bad and I'm not gonna sugarcoat anything for you like all these motherfuckers wanted to."
"Alicia..." I think Juan is trying to make her stop one more time, even if we all know it's futile.
But, despite the fact that Alicia is as bipolar as always, I want to know the truth and I agree with her.
"Shut up!" She's not even turning to him, her eyes fixing mine. "Right now, your child is probably gone because of what they gave you and the only option for you is to... well, give birth I guess. I'm sorry."
What she said hurt on an unlimited amount of levels. I don't even know how to process the information. I guess, part of me refuses to believe her.
"Yeah, I'll give birth." This is the only thing that comes out of my mouth.
"Silene you understand the fact that it's probably dead?" Alicia is looking at me like I'm crazy.
I don't know. I guess, I don't. I don't want to think that far until I'll see with my own eyes. But, I think my heart is scattered into pieces already.
"I don't want them here," I say looking at my all male audience.
If Alicia is right, I won't stand to look Juan in the eyes. It's enough that I'm disappointing in all the ways possible.
"Silene you need a doctor to supervise the entire process," Juan says worried. "I get you don't me, but at least..."
"No," I cut him.
"You heard her." Alicia throws him a superior look. "Out."
I like her. Even if I hate her, I like how she's acting towards men and people in general. This woman was made for survival and surely, she's going to make it in her world for far long than I'll be in mine.
"She can stay," I say when seeing the young nurse who gave me the water.
"She's just a nurse," one of the doctors protested.
"And I don't care," Alicia snaps, "You heard her, she's staying."
I like that she's acting like my lawyer or spokeswoman now. I'm too tired and in pain to think too much.
"I'll be here if you need something," Juan tells me before getting out.
"No, I want you to go to the garden or something, please don't stay here, I can't do anything."
"Okay." He can't mask his sadness, but I know he's going to listen to me.
When they're all out I can finally let my head fall on the pillow and let out a small sigh of relief. I have no idea what I'm going to do, but the only thing I know is that I'll have to take that kid out and see with my own eyes that those idiots are right. Till then, I'm not accepting any option other than the fact that my child is alive.
If I thought that I reached the ultimate point of pains during El Zorro's tortures, I was wrong. Nothing in the world can be compared to giving birth.
Hours of exhaustion and screams. To bring a life into this world is an experience that almost takes your own soul back and forth between the living and the dead.
Despite her dumb attitude that she's usually having, Alicia stood by my side. She held my hand and, at some point she even hummed something. I wanted to ask her what it is, but I was in too much pain to do something else other than scream.
"It's coming," her harsh voice announces in the nicest tone she's having. "Don't expect too much."
I ignore her last line. I guess this is a sort of self preservation too. Because how else I would've been able to give birth to something that died?
I hold her hand tightly. My fingers digging in her skin, probably leaving marks behind, but I don't care about anything else other than getting this job done.
With a last painful push I liberate the life that was struck for almost six months inside me. I know it's too little, but I have hopes. There were cases, I think I heard of some a while ago. I just can't let them be right.
Alicia releases my hand in the same moment when I collapse on the pillows.
It's over.
Every inch of my body hurts worse than hours of torture. Who said that giving birth is like having multiple bones breaking at once couldn't be more right. I feel like I'm going to die and even if the nurse comes to inject me something for pain, it makes no difference at all.
"Alicia," I say using my last bit of energy that I have left.
She doesn't reply. But her lack of response is quickly followed by a weird sound. It's not crying, nor laughing, not even a normal baby sound, it's just a proof of existence.
"Alicia!" This time my voice is going a bit up. "Let me see."
She comes next to me and takes my hand in hers. Meanwhile the nurse is probably taking my child.
"Don't make yourself hopes," she whispers like she's trying one more time to convince me. "A lot of kids who are born like this survive for a few..."
"Shut up!" I scream. "I don't wanna hear."
They were wrong. They were all wrong and I was right. I can live on this no matter what happens after.
"I want to hold my child!" I demand.
"You will," she says with a disappointed look.
The tears are running down my face continuously. I can't say I'm happy, nor sad, exactly like the small human that came out of me, I just am.
Alicia doesn't say anything and I'm grateful for that. I'm not in the mood for hearing bad news. I just want to enjoy the moment as little as it might be.
I feel like an eternity passes until the nurse hands Alicia a small ball of towels.
"I think you should name her," Alicia says with a sad smile, "till you have time."
Her? I'm not even bothering to process the rest of the phrase. What happened with my son? But, I guess it was always a little Silene in there. Otherwise, how else she could've resisted so much.
"I don't know any names."
I know I told Juan that if it's going to be a girl I'll name her after his mother. But, after so many months apart, I started to rethink some details about our relationship.
"Come on, Silene," Alicia tells me, "you gotta know something. Think of someone important for you or just name her Silene the second."
"I wanna hold her," I demand. "I don't know names, I just wanna..."
"No," she interrupts me. "I'll baptize her and then you can have her."
Okay... I never knew that a person like Alicia can be religious, which is amusing in a way. She's quite a bitch and we spent a lot of time together yet I never thought that she's having this side too.
"Fine," I say. "Tatiana and... Alicia and choose a random one you want too."
She throws me a disapproving look in the moment when she heard her name.
"You said important people," I say.
"You're just making things harder," comes her answer. "But, as you wish."
She takes the child and disappears. I have to let the crazy woman be. And, I can't deny the fact that this entire baptism thing makes me feel a bit more comfortable, no matter what will happen to the kid.
When she comes back, she hands me the child directly without me saying anything.
And I see her. The smallest baby in the world sleeping peacefully with her mouth a bit opened and her tiny fingers resting on her rose colored cheeks.
"She's beautiful." It's the only thing I can mutter before the tears are blurring my view.
I don't have enough power to take the kid in my arms, but Alicia helps me hold her. I'm even scared to touch her. I'm afraid that the simple fact that my skin will touch hers might produce more harm. Because this is how I always was, prone to destroy everything that I get in contact with.
"I'm tired," I say trying to shove her back into Alicia's arms.
"Silene..." Her eyebrow is raised, probably questioning my attitude in her mind. "What happened?"
"I don't know," I reply a bit panicked. "I just don't wanna hurt her."
Alicia lets the small thing rest on my chest then she takes me in her arms and says, "I don't think you can hurt her. What you have to understand is that this child isn't born to survive. So, if you wanted to see her and hold her this is your only chance."
She's right. Somehow I don't find the necessary amount of power to deny it. Because, I guess deep down I can feel it too. No matter how much I tried to cling myself to the idea that she's going to live, I simply feel how the fall is getting contoured. It's pointless to fight a war that is over ever since it began. But, I needed to lie to myself as a form of self preservation. It was the only way I could've done all this.
"I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life," I whisper while taking the towel off and starting to caress my daughter's soft skin. "I'm doomed."
"You're not," Alicia tells me. "You're here, you survived to months of torture and this baby right here, it's not your fault. Might be mine, but not yours."
"No, it's not your fault." My tears fall from my eyes, touching the small piece of me that's resting on my chest. "I survived in there because I had you. You kept my mind intact while they were trying to break me down."
"And you gave me one of the biggest cases of my career," she laughs. "Now that the police department thinks it was me who ended the old man and with the informations that I gathered with your help, I can take a long vacation and enjoy my new salary bonuses."
I know Alicia is trying to make it all professional, but, I can see her with the corner of my eye how she's chewing her lower lip. She won't admitted, but we became a sort of friends while locked in there.
"I'll take at least half a year off and then I'll go back to the police," she adds. "You better not be my first case after I'll come back from vacation."
I laugh. Because this was always Alicia's superpower — to make me at least smile even in the worst moments of my life.
"Thanks," I whisper while taking her hand. "For everything."
"Just don't mention it," she replies. "Because that salary boost I told you about. I can say goodbye to it if they find out I helped you."
I can't help but let out a short laugh again. I don't know what Alicia is going to do while on vacation, but a thing is sure, once she'll be back she's going to be the biggest pain in the ass for anyone who might stay in her way to success. Because this is how she is, always putting her career and position above anyone or anything. And I don't blame her. I guess I've started to learn some things from Alicia in all these months — to value myself a bit more and, also to try to do things on my own too without waiting for a man's approval.
I feel my daughter hardly breathing.
They were right and I was wrong. But what can I do now?
"Do you want me to take her?" Alicia asks probably seeing my concerned look.
"No," I reply.
She nods.
I don't want anyone touching her. I wish the last thing she'll remember about this cruel world to be something at least soothing for her, the smell of her mother.
"What's the name you choose for her?" I ask Alicia while caressing my daughter's cheek.
"Amaya," she replies.
It's a nice name, I can't deny. I guess I even like it. If she would've had more time in this world I'm pretty sure I would've ended up calling her like this.
"Silene." Alicia calls me in the same moment when the baby makes a weird sound, something close to choking.
"I know," I say without looking at her and continuing to caress my daughter like it was just a bad dream and everything will be okay soon. "Don't tell me."
My eyes fill with tears in the moment when the kid tries to take a deep breath but fails. I don't even know what I'm hoping for. Probably, in this moment, the wisest thing to wish for is a fast passing from this world to the one where there is no pain nor sorrow.
And I guess God listens to me. Because, at some point, without any agitation, her small chest stops moving.
Like we're connected, Alicia takes her from my chest and hands her to the nurse. Then, she comes next to me in bed, and hugs me tightly.
"I'm sorry," I say through tears, "I'm so sorry for everything."
"Shh, don't be." I think Alicia doesn't know how to calm me, nor what to say. "It's not your fault, none of these are. Trust me, it's for the better like this. She felt no pain, nothing."
I hug her tightly and burry my head into her sweater. It stinks like tobacco, but I don't care.
And, in that moment, I hear her singing. The same song she mumbled a while ago when I was giving birth, only this time, she sings it loud and clear.
"Muñequita linda
De cabellos de oro
De dientes de perlas
Labios de rubí

Dime si me quieres
Como yo te adoro
Si de mí te acuerdas
Como yo de ti

Y a veces escucho
Un eco divino
Que envuelto en la brisa
Parece decir"*
She stops to hug me tightly. Then, Alicia puts me back on the pillow and plants a small kiss on my forehead.
I don't even know what to think about this. There's a huge void forming in my soul, but somehow I feel how the love she gives me tends to stop the black hole of despair, preventing it from taking over my entire self.
"Sí, te quiero mucho
Mucho, mucho, mucho
Tanto como entonces
Siempre hasta morir"* She goes on with the song.
I'm alone in my body again. But, the coming back to this distorted self of mine doesn't brings any relief. A piece of me died today too, and not only the small being, but a huge part of my soul too.
"Muñequita linda
De cabellos de oro
De dientes de perlas
Labios de rubí

Dime si me quieres
Como yo te adoro
Si de mí te acuerdas
Como yo de ti"*
She's gone and so am I. Have I loved her? Yes, that's for sure. In her few minutes of existence, I loved her more than anything in this world. More than myself and more than the man that took part in her creation. I loved her as the Bible says to love God. Because for those short moments, she was my entire universe.
"Y a veces escucho
Un eco divino
Que envuelto en la brisa
Parece decir

Sí, te quiero mucho
Mucho, mucho, mucho
Tanto como entonces
Siempre hasta morir"
The last tunes of the song are still lingering in the air. My tears are still washing my cheeks, but I don't feel anything anymore. Today it was the hardest day of my life.
I lost a battle that I don't even know for how long I'm going to suffer the consequences. I don't know much about what will follow, but something is crystal clear for me — I'm not going to be who I used to. I changed. Somehow I feel like my soul got metamorphosed too and it's now floating on a puffy cloud in heaven along with my daughter, counting stars and spending our piece of infinity together.