I don't know what's right anymore.
Look, I tried to simplify it. Bullying is bad, and standing up against bullies is the right thing to do, even if everyone hates you for it. If someone is in danger, you help them, even if people hate you for it. And stop lying to people, because being your authentic self is better than trying to mold yourself into whatever people want to see.
But that doesn't work.
There's two big reasons why you shouldn't help someone is in danger. First off, they're in danger for a reason, and if you try to "protect" them, you'll probably end up falling into a hole of whatever they did. Second, you'd be denying the recognition to someone who deserves it, and acting like you're better than you are, by assuming you have what it takes to help people.
The truth is that no one knows what anyone is going through, and it's not only useless to try, but kinda self-centered and a dick move.
So then my instinct is to help people. Why? Because I care too much about things? Lies. Because I want to be seen as useful. Why? Because if people know who I really am, then they'll leave me. Why? Because I do things and think things that hurt other people.
So now we have a moral dilemma. I'm a chronic liar. Just today I lied and pretended I hadn't done an assignment when I did--and then lied that I didn't know the answers to some of the questions, so I wouldn't be caught in my lie. Whenever I catch myself about to say something that would make someone think less of me, or would hurt/burden someone, I rewrite it. Pick a different character to play.
Of course that became a problem when I started messing up the character I played and realized that I didn't actually have any relationship with my previous friends. Then I cut them off, since they didn't make me happy.
But it's my fault. Because I'm the one who led them on. I'm the one who was so afraid of them seeing me for anything other than an elegant, hilarious, charismatic person that I created a different persona. I upheld that persona. I became someone else for them. Not with my sense of humor, but with my motives, my values, and my responses to conflict.
No one can keep up that act forever. I'm the one who decided to stop treating them with the previous respect I gave them. I'm the one who acted like it wasn't my choice to treat my friends like they're more than me. I pointed out a power dynamic that I created.
Ok then. Why would I make a power dynamic. Don't I want to have friends who like me for who I am?
No. Not necessarily. Because the thing about a power dynamic is that it's familiar. You see, today I was in the middle of ASL class and it was actually fun. It's gotten to be quite fun recently, now that I can actually sort of understand the language, and a part of me wishes I wasn't leaving the practice on March 9th. Anyways, I was in the midst of that when my mom started screaming in pain.
For those of you who haven't read the chapter "Lauren Jauregui's Birthday," there you can find a detailed account of what happens when my mom's dysautonomia acts up. For now, basically the rundown of it is this. You know the autonomic nervous system? The one that regulates heart rate, blood pressure, thermoregulation, and uhh brain function? Yeah, my mom's autonomic nervous system doesn't really work. So sometimes her body will go like "ok time to disable all of these" or "ok time to ENABLE all of these." And it puts her in pain. Oh also she might die, since it's her vitals that go crazy.
So I jumped out of class with my camera still on and went to go help her. The dogs were jumping on her and Mama told them to go. I figured I'd be helpful and take one of the dogs. She peed on the bed. Trying to get away from the pee, Mom fell off the bed facedown and didn't get up. Mama yelled at me. I shouldn't be there since I only make things worse. Go away. Go back to class.
I went back to class. Professor let my sister and I out, since he saw us both run out of frame. Also he saw me self harm on camera. And cry.
Which is actually a recurring theme. All of the dark moments that lead to me losing things are because I let my guard down. I did that when I tried to show my friends a script I wrote, and instead of gently reminding me that that's not the script I should be sharing, they got mad at me for going over their rank and doing something they should have been allowed to do. I'm not supposed to be my true self in front of people if that true self is someone weak and emotional.
But anyways. Cue me heading to my room. Mama coming in and telling me to grow up. Giving me a chore to do (whenever the parents are mad at me, they assign me chores every time they see me. Which, come to think of it, is probably related to why I apologize when someone tells me to do chores).
And then she told me to stop guilt tripping her. I was huddled on the floor shrinking away from her and trying not to be seen. Head down, submissive. She thinks I'm going to self harm and she's right. Said she can't deal with me and Mom.
This was right after she had me leave since I only make things worse. I thought she was going to attend to Mom's medical emergency, but apparently she had to let off some steam first, by yelling at me. Which is another recurring theme, actually. She gets obsessive-caring about people in trouble, where she interrogates them and, if she decides their pain isn't important, gives them a rational reason why they shouldn't be in pain. Well except for me, when I'm in pain she usually gets mad at me and yells at me. But anyways, even when other people are in pain, Mama yells at me.
Back to the initial recurring theme. Guilt tripping. This and psychoanalyzing are the two things that people cite as reasons they hate me. And I don't usually understand how I was guilt tripping. Not at first.
But no, I think I get it. The problem is that I work so hard at portraying this caricature of perfection to the people around me. When I get upset, I can't think rationally, so I can't keep that character up. Then people are confused as to why I'm acting different, acting all needy and cruel and irrational. It's cause I'm upset, and when I'm upset I can't try to be what everyone wants me to be.
You know I used to think I was ADHD. My girlfriend keeps insisting I am, but I don't really believe her. Actually, now that I'm not friends with my former friends, I'm feeling a lot less like there's something wrong with me. I think it's the persona, the web of lies I wear whenever I go out. I thought that I was masking, trying to cover up things that aren't socially acceptable, as a survival tactic. It's not a survival tactic, it's just me trying to avoid people being mad at me.
Because that's the main difference between my home life and the real world. At home, if I don't act like someone else, people hate me. In the real world, if I act like someone else, people find out and then they hate me.
There's this big part of me that is always looking for people like my parents. When I'm upset, it feels wrong if there isn't someone telling me that I shouldn't be upset. I can hardly vent or start seeking solutions, since I'm still caught up in the idea that my feelings should be challenged.
And as for isolation. All my friends are at home. How can I separate my home personality from my social personality if the place I cry and the place I laugh are the same?
I don't know what to do. Motive does not equal excuse. Just because I know why I do it doesn't make it right. But I don't know what else to do.
