People say it all the time. "Oh, what I wouldn't give to have someone love me." "I just need somebody to love me." "I'm unloveable; if only someone would come along and prove me wrong." If they don't say it, they think it--why else is the romance books industry so big on Wattpad? Why do they say that "sex sells?"
But then we also say the opposite. Back in the Dark Ages (what I call my first crush in 7th and 8th grade), I would listen to Demi Lovato's "Something That We're Not" just to torment myself. My sister complains about being unloved, and when I point out the boy who dated her for a week, the girl who asked her out, and the idiot who asked her to be his rebound girl, she brushes it off with a "they don't count." When I told my first crush that "ever since seventh grade, I, um, I like like you...and I still do" (I was really just obsessed and suppressed and liked the idea of her/love/homosexuality more than I liked the girl herself), she said nothing, except "we were close." Four months later, after several attempts to strengthen our relationship (I just wanted to talk to her) she told me never to talk to her again, and that she "doesn't want to put up with my drama." What she referred to as "my drama" was gay panic and my constant attempts to overcome my fear of getting caught loving someone.
That rejection did something to me. I learned that I'm one of those people who "doesn't count." That people want to be loved by someone who matters, and I will never be someone who matters. That me telling someone (always a girl because no matter how much I try to be equal and queer and pansexual I always end up being completely lesbian) that I like that person is worse than telling them that they're worthless, because I'm forcing my problems on them. (Hence my trust issues and inability to tell even my sister about my emotional pain because I don't want to burden her with my emotional baggage). That any love I feel should remain silent, or else I'll hurt her and that hurts me.
Imagine my surprise when my next crush (and the last one I confessed to--because I never ask them out, only ever confess that I've sinned) said "Thank you" when I told her that my hormones had decided she was amazing. What I can't imagine is your surprise at the fact that I then swore never to tell anyone about my feelings ever again.
I didn't tell anyone else about my first crush until a month after she told me never to see her again, and a year and a half after I started catching feelings. Even thought it was hella obvious that I was head over heels for her.
Of course, the damage didn't stop there. I gave up on love. My most recent crushes are, in chronological order: Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus (she owns my heart), Hayley Kiyoko, [here we would insert the Jonas Brothers except I find their personalities boring], Selena Gomez (that one's coming back), Camila Cabello and Lauren Jauregui. I've never met them. The people I fell in love with are figments of my imagination. Admittedly, they're very attractive figments of my imagination. But they're still not real. I decided that everyone I knew wasn't worthy. They weren't good enough. No one is hot and the only people I am allowed to love are those I can never speak to. It's not much of a change, except that they come with a collection of albums and Camren fanfics and they're literal supermodels. Also I can never speak to them, but that's not very different from usual since every crush I've had I've made sure they have an expiration date. I lost #1 when I went to a different school (but technically when she told me never to speak to her again, and then there was this one awkward conversation where she pretended she hadn't given me four years of insecurities and sparked my spiral into depression), #2 when I quit dive, #3 when she graduated, and #4 when I quit robotics, not to mention the sort-of-crushes I lost when I went to a different school, switched to a different dive program, or when she went to a different school. So there's not much of a change, because I cannot speak to any of these people again.
Honestly I'm kinda mad at how much I care about Crush #1, because by the look of this she's a complete bitch and made me self-homophobic.
See, that's the biggest thing that her rejection did. It made me believe that falling for a straight girl was the ultimate sin (and unfortunately that's my type--at least, I haven't stuck around long enough to be proven wrong). It made me believe my feelings were wrong. It made me obsessed with labels.
Here's what I mean. I'm really glad I joined the Fifth Harmony fandom when I did, because if I'd joined before Lauren came out as bisexual I'd probably be classified as the crazy fans who slapped labels on her and made her afraid to come out. I needed a label because if she wasn't straight then I was allowed to like her. That's why Ariana Grande never joined my list of celebrity crushes, even though her music is great: she's straighter than her signature ponytail.
I hate my sexuality because I disprove the notion that anyone can be attracted to me, because I reject people on the basis of gender, and it seems sexist and wrong, and what everyone does to me.
(Admittedly, I wouldn't date me from the past, but I think everyone can say that. Besides, I don't really want to see that insecure, suicidal, turtle-faced, band-obsessed nerd ever again).
Anyway, back to labels. I needed to know if someone had the label of Not Straight, so that I could allow myself to not feel bad about liking them. Imagine my delight when I saw Miley Cyrus was fluid in everything. When I found out about Laucy. Watching Hayley Kiyoko music videos. The last episode of Hannah Montana which was pretty much a gay romance between Miley and Lilly.
Now imagine the guilt I felt at the denial of Camren, or the guilt I felt at being mad that Camila has only dated men. The fact that I couldn't get into the Selena Gomez fandom because I felt bad for finding a straight girl so damn hot (and also because I tried to like her music at the height of my Miley phase and couldn't stop comparing them).
So then I watched the new Daniel Howell video, entitled "Basically I'm Gay," and felt even worse when he went on about labels. I drafted a comment, asking "how do you know if you're allowed to love someone if they don't have a label?" That was when it hit me.
The thing I started with. Loving someone is never wrong. It's giving the greatest gift you can give. It's letting someone know that you think they're beans of low temperature. The pain I felt listening to Hayley Kiyoko's "Pretty Girl?" I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO FEEL THAT. It's perfectly acceptable to tell a girl that she's pretty, and she should be okay with it, even if you're also a girl. Isn't that a common straight romance trope? Guy meets girl and one of them compliments the appearance of the other. The other feels honored. Why isn't it the same for gay relationships? In fact, why don't people just randomly compliment the appearance of others? Humans are beautiful, we might as well say it.
So I'm really mad at my first crush, because she made me believe for four years that my emotions are wrong. She made me believe that my desire to make her feel happy and listen to the problems she can't tell anyone and be there for her and compliment her were a bad thing! (It was seventh grade, there was no way my taboo desires were anything physical beyond some chaste kissing).
But I'm mad at everyone else, too, because the world has done nothing to prove me wrong. Save for Daniel Howell's video. Thanks, Dan!
Now, for the action part: if loving people isn't wrong, then I can totally flirt with the girl I like, right? (She's a real person this time, so it's physically possible, I'm not switching focus to Dinah Jane or Normani this time).
Haha, nope! Because that would require confidence and I'd probably jeopardize the friendship. Not to mention she's probably also unintentionally homophobic like I was and she's definitely straight because even though she checks a lot of the boxes in dress code and taste in music she also only talks about how cute boys are and that's a pretty good indicator. And it doesn't matter if we click and it feels like I've known her for years because she can't love me back and it'd be cruel to force her into that.
Just 'cause I've had the epiphany doesn't mean I'm brave enough to do anything about it.
