You like someone.
You really like someone.
You spend hours getting to know that someone. Suddenly, you're thinking her name on repeat. Everything you see reminds you of her. Every song is about her (except stuff like "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together"). You see her behind your eyes when you shut them. You feel comfortable with her, to the point where you almost forget you like her.
And then you meet her friends.
They say that your friends say a lot about you. I get that. If you made a Venn diagram of my personality and my sister's, it overlaps a lot. (Yet somehow people always want to use me to get to her? It's gotta be the curly hair). You look at my best friend Al (we're using initials), and she's that person who's eternally cheerful and supportive and energetic. My friend K has a wicked sense of humor and justice. My friend Ar is confident and funny. My friend C is sweet and a little awkward.
I really like this girl called Sydney. You don't know her. Well, maybe you do. She's an author, and a month ago, she was nothing more than an image on my screen. I read the beginning of a Paid Story by her and got so hooked on it that I rushed to the store that day with $30 and bought a gift card to buy her books. It was the only time I ever bought a Wattpad book.
After enough comments about how Terra and Terrence should hook up, I ended up flirting with her via Instagram. We got along very nicely. So nicely that now I want to kiss her softly and tenderly until we're out of breath, not from exertion, but from the feelings threatening to overpower us.
Anyway, she introduced me to one friend. Just one. And I fucked it up.
Look, I do this every time. My first crush? I straight up told her I hated her friends (the problem was with me and not them). I didn't even meet 2nd's. 3rd used to show me off a little, but she also made jokes that her other friends got that I just didn't. The one time I tried to sit with 5th's friends, they straight up ignored me, taking 5th with them.
Let's meet Sydney's friend. She's a nerd. She randomly breaks out into song. They talk online. She flirts with Sydney. So she's like me, right?
Except, she's better. She's seriously beautiful. Not like me, where I'm sort of pretty but too masculine to be a girl and too feminine to be a boy.
She's experienced. I swear I'm the only virgin I know. Like, I'm seventeen and I can't even get myself off. What the hell is wrong with me? I can get my fingers to write 12000 words in a day, yet I can't get them to make someone happy? My tongue can sing and rap but it can't give someone the best night of their life?
She's funny. I'm a dry texter. I'm the type of person who needs time to recharge so I can be clever and interesting. Whereas this girl can talk to Sydney for hours and stay sharp as a knife.
This is just one friend.
So we decided to play Cards Against Humanity online. I introduced Sydney to my sister and my friend J, so it only made sense that she'd introduce me to her friend An. We played two rounds, both of which I won. And then we chatted a while.
First, it was J doing his typical depression thing. It's understandable; he's struggling with depression, and I usually tell him that he's wrong, I do want to hug him, I won't leave him--which reminds me of my ex, but I gotta focus--and I value his presence. Because he is a good guy, although he doesn't see it. There's a reason that I don't like playing group games without him, and it's because his group dynamic is excellent. If depression weren't holding him back, he'd be popular as hell.
But then we throw in An, the new girl, and suddenly the chat took a bad turn.
My sister left. And suddenly Sydney was agreeing with the depressing things. I tried to warn them, tried to say that we don't praise suicide here, and we don't want to resort to alcohol to numb our feelings, but they didn't listen.
