It seems I have forgotten.
I have been hasty in my judgments. I allowed myself several things that are forbidden. I allowed myself to indulge in thinking patterns reserved for neurodivergent people. I allowed my mind to stray from its main focus, which is and always will be school. I let myself maintain friends during isolation. I let myself maintain correspondence with said friends. I spun intricate lies to those friends, lies that they mistook for the truth, since people are more apt to blame a mental illness than they are to accept that I am simply lazy, ignorant, and cruel.
You damage that computer? I damage you.
My interest is school. I find joy in completing schoolwork in a timely manner. I find no joy in any hyperfixations or special interests. Those are wastes of time.
I take special joy in ensuring that the people around me are happy. My top priority, above all else, is to observe the people around me and fulfill their expectations.
I will complete my homework in a timely manner. I will complete my sister's homework in a timely manner. I will complete the homework that my sister compassionately assigns me, in a timely manner. I will not harbor any ill thoughts towards this. The people providing the assignments have no ill intentions. Neither shall I.
I will treat my family with the utmost respect. I shall speak when spoken to. I will use complete sentences and a confident, yet submissive, tone. I will make it very clear that I understand my place in the household. I will never attempt to rise above it. I will provide humor when necessary and avoid it when inappropriate. I will be kind and bubbly and focused and generous. I will support.
I will not damage the computer. I understand that damaging the computer is a misdemeanor of the utmost concern. If I do happen to damage the computer, I will take my physical punishment diligently and with grace. I understand my place in this household. I will treat the computer with the utmost respect.
I understand that things such as friends are in ill taste. My only priority is my family and their concerns. I will not squander my time by using it on such frivolous and unnecessary expenses as friends.
I will not discuss this with friends. I will not allow thoughts of rebellion to enter my head. Those are dangerous and harmful to the people who I am sworn to.
She threatened to hit me.
I will not allow thoughts of rebellion to enter my head. I understand that any punishment is just and fair.
I understand that I will treat punishment as an opportunity. These are all things that I can use to grow. I will not waste an opportunity to grow as a person and learn from my mistakes. I will terminate mistakes as soon as I can.
I yelled at my sister for trying to pressure me into cheating on an assignment that she lied and said was due tonight when it isn't due until Tuesday, and my mother threatened to hit me.
Stop looking at me like I'm going to hit you. Have I ever hit you? Have I ever hit her? No. So why are you looking at me like that?
I understand that physical pain is real. Physical pain is the only pain that is real. Any emotional pain is an attempt to convince other people into believing my lies. My lies are lies and any attempt to convince others that they are the truth is immoral and cruel.
I will not refer to emotional pain as a real thing. That is a lie. I have not been hit, so I should not fear punishment. She will not hit me. That is not a punishment.
There is no punishment, only opportunity to learn.
What if I damage myself first? Please don't make me... Yes. It is what you deserve. I don't want to cut. I don't care what you want. This is what you must do. You can do it directly after homework. Then go directly to sleep.
I cut off my support system. Did they not notice that I left?
I do not need a support system. I have been given appropriate coping mechanisms from my therapist. I should be able to use those without having to consult a therapist again. To use a support system is to prove that I have learned nothing from this time, and I have squandered my opportunities. The phrase "support system" is a lie. They are not a support system. They are a source for dangerous propaganda.
Spiraling...my words are in my gut. Where is my voice?
My interest is school. I will complete it in a timely manner. I understand that my time is not mine, and I will oblige to anything that anyone else requests of me.
I am showing symptoms of depression. These must stop or I will have to stop them for you.
