So yesterday I made some mistakes.
It all started when I suggested to a group of neurodivergents that we have a roast battle. The problem with that is that I didn't specify what type of roast battle it would be. So naturally, the group grossly miscalculated, and one particular person sent me a long list of all my worst triggers and insecurities.
Well Pyro, why didn't you cut them off? That was such a cruel thing to do, right? Oh, don't worry. I talked it over with the person and, let me tell you, that is some of the best contact resolution I have ever experienced in my life! It went from pain and anger to something beautiful. I wish I had taken notes because I want to do that in the future.
And of course, part of the efficiency of it hinged on the fact that both parties were taking steps to resolve the conflict--something I have been longing to have ever since the idea occurred to me! Time and time again, if I get into a disagreement, somehow I end up doing all the understanding and apologizing. This time it was from both sides, which was wild.
In spite of that, there is still one long-standing issue that made it unusually difficult to speak today. It's the fact that the person noticed my triggers and insecurities in the first place.
Look, if you ask me to name something that's wrong with you, I usually can't come up with anything. Unless I genuinely dislike you and spend a lot of time being annoyed by it. The more I get to know a person, usually the more I remember their good traits. So if you're enough of a friend to ask me what bad things I think about you, I'm not going to have anything, since I'm only focused on the good things.
Why is that? It's because I tend to start out with low expectations. I don't view new people as neutral, blank slates. I assume all strangers are judgmental and cold and want me to go away. (I mean, who would want to introduce themselves to a stranger?) With that baseline established, that means that, the more I get to know people, the more I focus on the good things. Each social quirk or unusual talent or mannerism is something I don't expect, something that sticks in my head and blooms into something beautiful.
However, there is one type of person I don't do that with.
Let's use JoJo Siwa as an example, since she is a perfect example of this. When I first saw her, here is what I saw: infamy. I knew that for some reason everyone my age hates her, and she has a business empire made of people younger than me. Since I don't like assuming that people are all bad (remember, cold and judgmental is neutral for me), I did some research.
The more I researched JoJo, the more good I found. Her casual speech patterns are reminiscent of a friend I've had since childhood. Her dancing prowess is unparalleled. Her business mind is not only genius, but she somehow manages to make marketing creative and exciting for herself. Most of her songs are listenable, and some of them are, dare I say, good?
As I learned more about her, the question I asked myself was, "is there anything wrong with her?"
Fortunately for Siwa, I haven't really found much. But there's this inherent problem with the way people think.
When approaching celebrities, people see the good first, so they hunt for the bad things they have in common.
Let's put it into perspective. Let's say you start stanning, I don't know, Ariana Grande. At first what you see is her achievements. Most streamed female artist on Spotify, first artist to put out an album before finishing the tour cycle of the last one, singer of many worldwide hits. You see all this stuff, scrolling through her black-and-white Instagram, and you think to yourself: she is so much better than me. There is no way I can catch up.
And it's true. You'll never sing like her. You'll never have her job or her songs or her achievements. You'll always be a step behind.
So you start looking for faults. Maybe she bites her nails like you do. Maybe one of her songs reveals she has daddy issues. To be honest, I never listen closely to her lyrics, so I am bullshitting so much here. Point is, you start looking for things she does wrong, that you also do wrong.
You want her to be as fucked up as you are. Because you can't stand the thought of her being better than you.
That's what happened to me.
My Tumblr reputation precedes me. When people first meet me, they see my fame and my followers. They see funny posts and insightful analyses.
Then they get to know me. They see that I've been teaching myself art since March. They listen to the songs I write and their eyes widen. I rap for them and their jaws drop. They have conversations with me and realize that I'm funny and fun to be around and have such a powerful, confident energy.
They see me as a celebrity. They see good, good, good, and get afraid of it.
So naturally they tear me down. Maybe I have a bad day and say something depressed on main. They keep that in their heads, turning it over, wondering if it hints at signs of deeper emotional imbalance. If I can be sad once, does that mean I'm sad all the time, hiding it behind a mask of humor and intellect? Do I work to hide my sadness? Am I secretly pathetic and lonely and depressing and a failure?
Is it possible that I could be worse than them?
This is the type of hell that celebrities have to put up with. When you meet someone you see as equal, you remember their good traits. All their little quirks in their speech patterns and weird interests they have. The feelings of camaraderie they give you.
When you meet someone who you look up to, who you idolize, you already have this image of a perfect person. Good traits don't surprise you. You only remember the bad.
Neat little perception trick, huh?
So, what can you do? Look, I've been in both perspectives. All I can say is, see celebrities as people. I know that's a skill that most people literally don't even have the neural pathways for.
I guess for me, what I do is root for them. Imagine that Ariana Grande is your friend. At first you would hang out after school. Then she started showing you her songs. You would be amazed. Supportive. She would tell you about how she wants to be a singer and you would tell her that she is beyond qualified. Then she would make it. And you would be proud of her, because that's your friend.
There's no reason why you can't do that for celebrities. Be proud of us! We all start as cold, judgmental strangers. To think that we start as some perfect being? That's a surefire way to end up with some toxic mindsets.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, idolatry is a dangerous thing. The instant you find yourself on a throne, you risk falling off, because everyone else wants that throne for themselves. They don't realize that a person on a throne can lift them up to sit with them.
