trigger warning for suicidal thoughts
I'm evil. I'm the bad guy. There are so many ways to be wicked.
(That is, respectively, an opinion, a Billie Eilish lyric, and a Descendants 2 lyric. It's Rock Mafia so don't knock it 'til you've heard it).
A long-long time ago, I used to say that I wanted to make the world a better place. But that's not true. Because the more I think about it, the more I realize the very simple and very painful way to make the world a better place.
You see, I have a very specific skill set. I can write good music. I can write decent stories. I am pretty much IMDb for songwriters. But the thing I'm best at is making people's lives worse.
Take my sister. Lovely person, but I'm really good at letting her down. You see, I'm selfish. I'm the type of person who doesn't give my time to her when she asks. I'd rather work on music or books. Okay, fine, I have a conscience, so I typically give an hour to an hour and a half of my life to Sims with her, and another hour to bike rides/walks, and she likes to have me sit there and talk to her while she works out, so that's another hour or two. Lately I've been out of the house, and all she complains about is how boring it is without me. She's gotten dependent on me for entertainment, and I've gotten good at letting her down.
Take my mom. I'm also really good at letting her down. You see, I've been avoiding her because of the next paragraph, and one day she found me and forced me to spill, and I told her I was avoiding her. Now she's been trying to interact with me, which would be great if it weren't for the fact that she always brought up my emotional pain, trying to "help me through it," or if she didn't feel like that gave her permission to exploit me for work. And that's literally all of our interactions. Except she also likes to pop in when I'm working and tell me she loves me. Uh-huh, fat chance, I don't see much proof.
Take my mother. I hate her and she's legit the reason why I'm in therapy, why I'm afraid to show people my music or my books, why I shut up before I mention Fifth Harmony or Disney stars, why I don't trust anyone, why all my crushes are unattainable, and why I don't have many friends (as a dare to myself, I tried to not censor myself during the last three weeks of school and suddenly I had a lot of prospective friends). All our interactions are either her pointing out a mistake of mine and demanding that I don't do it (since I'm evil, I keep making those mistakes), her telling me to do something, her saying that my fandoms are stupid, or her saying "Goodnight, I love you," and me saying "Goodnight." I used to show her my music but since she never has anything nice to say, I stopped.
Those are the basics of our painful relationships and trust me I have a whole other book that I keep private, and it's full of those details. Watch this post blow up in my face later when my music career takes off.
One thing I'm really good at doing is getting my parents into fights. They have never fought beforehand, but now Mom tries to stand up to my mother and then after a while Mom comes to me and calmly requests that I don't make the mistake I made. Then they snap at each other for a few hours afterward. So I'm not sure if I'm tearing my parents' marriage apart. I don't think it's likely but it is possible, and I know I'm definitely causing conflicts, just by existing and not perfectly serving them like they want me to.
So can you blame me for avoiding them?
Who else is in my life...well, there's my best friend outside of family, and I go to her house a lot and then cry over a thing on her wall that says "we do mistakes / we do forgiveness..." and a bunch of other cheesy shit that you'd never find in my house. She'd probably miss me but she's just one person and I'm sure I'll hurt her eventually.
And then there's my friends from school, but that's all they are. I can't be myself around them because I am strictly a supporting character. They have as much problems as every other teen and I try to be the person I want to be surrounded by: someone who is supporting and helpful, an ear for their complaints, an ego-booster, and when I'm not on ego-boosting duty I'm comic relief. So I'm the supporting character, the Lilly Truscott to your Miley Stewart, or maybe even the Luann Stewart to your Miley Stewart. Only the gays would cry if Truscott were deleted (because the last episode of Hannah Montana is a gay romance between Truscott and Stewart, and you can fight me). If I were to open up and be myself around them, then they would lose their supporting character, and without support they would collapse. And yet I'm opening up.
With all this, the verdict is clear: all I spread is misery. So if I want to spread goodness and do the right thing, isn't the right thing to remove the problem?--aka, me? Ain't gonna be anything spectacular, probably just a bottle of pills (although knowing me I'd try to use the flavored vitamins that are animal-shaped and end up having indigestion for a week). I tried the noose via headphones before and that doesn't work, trust me, all it is is embarrassing. Suicide, then, is the good thing to do.
Besides, I have enough money saved up, they could pay the funeral costs and then they'd finally be happy.
Well, they can keep being sad, because did I mention I'm the bad guy? I'm not killing myself. "But just change your ways, it'll be fine!" Nope, not changing my ways either. I'm evil, I'm wicked, I'm rotten to the core, I'm going to stop before I sing the entire Descendants soundtrack. I like myself, and in the end that's all that matters, right?
No, it's not. Honestly, I'm holding on because I still have to hear She is Miley Cyrus, Camila's 2nd album, Lauren's first album, Selena's fifth? album, Justin's sixth album, Taylor's seventh album, the Taylor/Katy collab they've been hinting at, and my own music on the radio with the rest of them. (And let's not forget that I still need to soak up Happiness Begins!)
Well that was depressing. Go read some laurenjauregvii, her stuff always makes me happy.
