/ / F A L L I N G F A S T / /

/ / T H I R T E E N / /

~Well she can't be what you need if she's seventeen,

They're just girls, just girls.~

Those kinds of dreams happened every so often. I learned to control my fears of them, at least in front of people. I started smoking a lot more to help, I guess it did. It did at least mentally.

Matty and I spent lots of time together, as did Sam and I. He came down that weekend and we spent the rest of the weekend together and I told him everything that happened. I didn't tell him about my dreams though. I didn't tell anyone those. It was like they were the last secret I had to myself and if someone found out they would think I was crazed.

I seemed to start getting more and more anxious in front of lots of people. Matty noticed because he started holding my hands when they tapped. I felt like people could see through my sleeves and see what I've done. I felt like my life was being lived under an x-ray microscope. I didn't want people to know what happened to me. Even more I didn't want them to know what I did to myself. I knew I shouldn't have done it but I just thought it was the only way to distract myself. I knew I was wrong.

There were days where I completely lived in fear. So much that I wanted to die; I was overwhelmed by memories. Shadows that didn't exist. The strange part is, that I knew those days were long gone. It had been a couple weeks since Doug and I broke up. It was almost a couple weeks since that night in the yard. I knew it had been long enough and that I didn't need to be scared anymore. There was still something inside of me that kept telling me that he was coming. That I was going to be killed from him. I couldn't help but fall for that small voice inside. What else could I do? I couldn't run from my own mind, no matter how much I tried. It was too realistic to not believe. I couldn't do anything but listen to myself. I blocked it out, and I listened to it. Confusing huh? Try living in it.

The week after that was my birthday. That was by far one of the best days of my life.

Matty showed up at my house that morning with a bouquet of roses in a floral button up (of course the first three undone), with a black jacket and his skinnys. A semidressy outfit for Matty.

"Happy birthday love." He said with a huge grin on his face. All I could do was smile, say thank you and hug him tight. He said to get dressed we were going out to breakfast.

After I got dressed in a blue sundress, and put up my hair we left. He insisted that our destination was a surprise. After about 20 minutes we were at IHOP where I got a huge stack of pancakes, as did Matty. We tried to see who could eat the most while we laughed about the mess we made. It felt so good to escape and laugh for a while. I loved these memories with him the most.

After we ate Matty paid and we started to drive. It was around 2:00 by now.

"So I have another little surprise for you." He smiled at the road as he ashed the cigarette he lit as we had got in the car.

"Another?" I said. He was going to spoil me. It was awfully sweet of him.

"Yes. Now this ones a bit bigger than the last, as will the next one." He grinned at his secret plan.

"Matty you don't have to do all this really." I felt bad that he was going through all this trouble for me. I didn't want him to go out of his way and spend all this money on me.

"But I want to. I want you to see how much I care about you." That last sentence brought me more joy then I had in a very long time. I wish the feeling could have stayed.

I didn't answer this, but with a smile, so we drove in silence for a long time. We finally come to a stop at the Oprea House downtown. Inside was George, Ross and Adam. They all hugged me and wished me a happy birthday. I had met them formally a week ago when Matty and I had dinner at Adam's. It wasn't anything special but they seemed to like me so that was a good thing.