/ / F A L L I N G F A S T / /

/ / S E V E N T E E N / / Part 2.

Skylars reflection on the next few events.

A small rundown abandoned parking lot, outside a small beat up neighborhood.

I don't remember what happened after seeing his face. I remember feeling scared. Somehow I could still feel the cold rain falling on my face. I felt a warm hand on my face, and I heard the raindrops splashing down besides me. There was a mumbled whisper then screaming. What's odd is I could feel the sound but I couldn't hear anything but the rain.

Then it was black. Everything. My senses could only interpret black. It was soothing actually; black. Like Matty's permanent skinny jeans or his hair. Black, like my favorite converse or the necklace my mother always wore, even my bracelet from Jake and Joel had black intertwined in it. It was all strangly fimilar. I had an unfamiliar feeling in my stomach. I felt like I had done something terribly wrong or I had hurt someone greatly. It was guilt.

The thing is, I don't remember how I got to whatever state I'm in. This blackness lasted a while until suddenly I started seeing memories of my life. I saw my parents holding me. Many elementary school memories, soon middle school.

Then turmoil kicked in. I saw my dad and that wretched day. I saw my mom taking her last breath. Then my dad packing his things, leaving me, a 10 year old by myself. Then my aunt taking me in, moving my life. I could see Doug and I meeting for the first time. I saw Sam and I having endless laughs. My mind started speeding up; the memories rapidly flowing. I saw me, alone, sad, and afraid, resorting to the worst options. I saw the deep red blood stainging my sleeves as I tried to hide my mistakes. I saw my new 'parents', or aunt and uncle, sobbing as they drove me to therapy. I felt the burning feeling of alcohol going down my throat, then smoke filling my lungs until I let out a breath. Tears stung my eyes as my vision of my life blurred. I saw the scars from Doug one by one, as his face grew redder and his emotions flared. I saw myself glance at his beer bottle which he broke, then dragged on my leg. I could see my aunt trying to comfort me, and me shoving her away. I regreted that more than anything. I saw Doug and I screaming and then him wrapping me in his arms. This made me even more morose. I hated myself for doing all this. I let Doug do all of those things, I pushed everyone who loved me out of my life.

I saw the first day I met Matty and how happy I was. All of our memories together start running past me; I just wanted to reach out and grab them. I didn't want to let them go, to lose them forever. I'm not sure if I was actually losing them forever but I didn't want to risk it. I saw all our movies dates, and my birthday dinner. Everything we ever had was flying away from me. The harsh realization kicked in that, maybe I wasn't ready to let go of everything. I wanted to be happy I just didn't know how. Was that normal? Was it human to not actually have a way to be happy? I was happy with Matt but I wasn't surrounded by him all the time.

Then I saw what I did. Oh God. I relived it all, I saw Doug and Matty. I saw the gun. I felt my finger pull the trigger. The rush of pain and my body going cold onto the wet pavement. All of me went limp as the cold gun fell from my hand. Then that simple touch. Matty touched my cheek, let out a tear, and those inaudiable words that I would never know. He screamed and shouted, refusing my decision. I had never seen him this angry, not even when he got in a fist figt with Doug. I knew I was the reason for his pain, all of it, the past of what I put him through; all the pain of now and the rest of his life. That was the worst part of what I did. It wasn't the actual action of it, but the aftermath, that no one wins. I could hear him shouting 'please, please Sky, don't do this'. Oddly I could barely hear him, even though he was shouting into my corpse. It was if the rain was the only thing that my mind could process. I felt this lifting feeling; an odd feeling of flying. I knew this was where I must truly leave him. I wasn't too educated in religion, I was considered agnostic because I didn't really know what to believe in. I assumed there was life after death but I just wasn't sure where. I walked over and placed my hand on his shoulder. He stood and looked me in the eye, and for a second I was hopful that I wasn't dead. THis was a cruel game, designed by me, but I knew I couldn't reverse this. I ran a hand through his curls, because I knew I wouldn't be able to for a long, long time, I smiled at the familiar soft feeling. He watched my eyes, and I wondered if he could see me, or feel my hand. After a long painful pause, I figured he couldn't so I met myself go.

I let go of all my memories. I let go of Matty's hair and felt warm tears roll down my face. I let go of my father and mother, which was hardest. Despite my fathers absence from my life, I still loved him. I felt my mind clear itself, as I tried to forget my own life. I wondered if, where ever I was going, my mom might be there. Maybe she was waiting for me this whole time, and I never knew it. Maybe after my father left he was waiting with her. I wouldn't know because he never made the effort to find me. My heart started to pound because I had come to the cold fact that I had no idea where I was going now. I was safe with Matty on Earth, maybe I was a little crazy because of my past, but at least I had him to guide me. Where could I go? I'm not even controlling my movement now, how could I predict where I would end up? In fact, we spend all our lives telling ourselves these beliefs of where we will go when we die, when truly how do we know any of this? We work our entire lives to get to a euphoric state of mind saying 'Oh well I want to go to heaven' or where ever your religion may be, when really how do we know where we are going? We believe in these Gods, who tell us right from wrong, or no God and we decide ourself, but if they are controlling or mind sets of righ and wrong then shouldn't they be controlling where we are going too? They would be leading us there even farther than the judgement day. Maybe I was wrong but it all seemed a little messed up.

I felt scared, there was nothing left to do. No story left to tell. My story ended with the love of my life's failing attempts to bring me back to reality, while I assumed there way no other way out. It was a bad assumtion. I should have tried harder, Maybe I would've been happier. Maybe I wouldn't have come to this conclusion. There was no time for maybe's now. It makes me sad- thinking about what could've been- but it's over now. I guess in a way Doug did kill me. All his memories suffocating my own thoughts. I let him win and now I paid the price. It was just too many thoughts in all too small mind. Now I have no past. Nothing holding me back. It's like being reborn. A clean slate. I didn't have to worry about if I was going to college, or if I was going to lose Matty to someone else. On the other hand, it's going to be difficult to let someone else love him. To watch him be mezmorized by another girl's eyes. Starting a family with her, or taking her to his concerts. It was going to be hard but, if they make him happy, then he deserves it; especially now. After what I've done to him. I loved him so incredulously much, so hard, and then I gave him so much suffering. I knew he loved me. It sounds selfish but I knew he did. We loved each other too fast. So fast that we now lost that love. One of us, not by choice but force. I stopped this beautiful gift. I destroyed it; or then again maybe our love was so strong that no matter how long we're apart, and no matter who he may spend the rest of his life with, our love would always exist. Even if it is deep within his heart it will be there. Like a small spark of fire that ignites when he's upset, to warm his heart. I could watch over him, protect him as much as I could. 

I already knew what I would say to him next I saw him. I would tell him how much I've missed him and how I didn't want to hurt him. I could tell him how I didn't want to end it that way, but I didn't think there was any other way. All I could do now was hope he would understand. That is if I ever see him again. I wished with all my heart that I would, but there was no way to tell. All I could do now was wait. Wait and hope that one day I could rejoin him. Maybe he was thinking about me right now, or maybe he was drinking the pain away.

Then again I would never know.