Just trying to be normal

Chapter 13

TW: talks about suicide (basically like the whole chapter)
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Throughout the rest of the school day was so hard on me. I wouldn't stop ticking, I was overthinking about this stupid project, All my friends are going to go play 7v7 without me, and I'm just mentally drained at this point. Not to mention the note I found in my locker telling me to kill myself. Rainlee tried to cheer me up but I was just so bummed. I couldn't pay attention to anything

"Knox come on get off the piano. You can't just sulk away your feelings. Everyone has bad days." Kenson said with his gear for 7v7 in his hand. I slammed my hands on the piano keys. I got into his face looking with such anger into his eyes.

"You have *tic* no fucking idea *tic* what my bad days look like! You *tic* don't get to tell *tic* me to let something go! Do you have *tic* any fucking clue *tic* how hard it's been!? I have *tic* nothing Kenson! Nothing! I don't *tic* get to hide away in *tic* my helmet right now! I can't just be *tic* left alone because I'm the freak! Shit they dont *tic* even know all of my*tic* secrets! What happens when they do? I get bullied more than I already am....AGAIN and then we're just going to move!? We move because of me because everyday *tic* is my fucking bad day! Just leave me the fuck alone Kenson! You might be my twin but you don't know shit. Have fun playing the game you love." I said with tears in my eyes as I shoved past him out of the front door slamming it behind me

"Knox?" The voice sounded like Rainlee. I didn't want to talk to anyone right now so I just kept walking never looking back to see her "Knox!" She called again. "Knoxley! Where are you going?" She yelled out again. I then heard footsteps behind me then a hand on my shoulder turning me around "What do you want!" I yelled at her. "Baby are you ok? What happened?" She asked as she tried to wipe my tears but I just slapped her hand away "Don't touch me. I'm fine." She looked so worried and I felt bad, but I just need time for myself "Knoxley" she said in a whisper "Just leave me alone! I don't need help *tic* and I sure as hell don't need it from you!" She took a step back with a look of disbelief "What is wrong with you?" She asked tears filling her eyes

TW:⚠️

"EVERYTHING! I'm a freak Rainlee!*tic* I'm reminded of that every. single. day. I'm depressed, I'm tired, and I'm just angry! I'm angry *tic* at the world, I'm angry at God for making me like this! I try to be happy for my family and friends and you, but I can't take it anymore! *tic*I'm not happy! I'm nowhere near happy! It's like every turn I make I'm met with some kind of punishment! Another 'fresh start' is what my parents call it. I call it bullshit! *tic* Another move, another school, but it's a start of just another bully, another place that makes me just want to kill myself, another place that brings me deeper *tic* into depression. I actually almost killed myself twice last year....Twice! No one was home.....I put a gun to my head and told myself I deserved it. Sutton and Kailor came home to me sitting on the couch about to pull the trigger. I saw Sutton, the fear in her eyes, how scared she was. I couldn't do it. Not in front of her or my brother. I then hung myself in my room a few months after. Kenson found me ten minutes later. I wasn't breathing and I wasn't moving. He thought I actually died. He thought he lost his other half, his twin, his best friend. They all saved my life, but for what? For me to have the same urges I did a year ago?.....Im losing myself all over again....I'm broken Lee." I was crying biting my bottom lip trying to suppress my sob. I was staring into her eyes with my broken ones. I knew she could see the brokenness.

"I-I didn't know that. I..." she had no idea how to even comfort me. I get it, I mean I just told he I tried killing myself. "Of course you didn't know. My family doesn't talk about *tic*it because it hurt them to see me like that and because they don't want to trigger me into doing it again. Me on the *tic* other hand I don't talk about it because it shows how weak I am. That's why I started using this useless rubber band. At least it helps me *tic* feel something, and not just numb." I said with a sad chuckle

She hugged me so tightly. I started to sob into her shoulder "I'm sorry I'm not strong enough." I said through sobs. She put her hands through my hair and rubbed my back "No. You are so strong. You were strong enough to tell me that, you were strong enough to fight to stay alive, and you're strong enough to take one step at a time to get past all this." I tightened my grip on her as we just stood there. She kissed my head and broke the hug. "Let's go home and you can finish that awesome project that I'm so excited to see in action and get you something to eat." She said taking my hand pulling me down the streets back to my house.
END⚠️
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"Thank you Lee...for everything" I said as I sat at my desk working on my project which I'm almost done with. "No need to thank me. I'm just here to make sure you're ok and to kiss those lips of yours." She said as she spun me around in my chair to face her. She lifted my chin and kissed me with such gentleness "Ok! I'm sitting in your lap while you work! Make room! I got a dump truck." She said making me laugh as she snuggled into my lap as I finished up.

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