Binary Boyfriends

27 ~ Back to Reality

My breath hitched in my throat. All the time we spent together came flooding back. The hours we spent talking about comics. The sleepovers. The staying up all night to help each other study for a test or wait for a game to update. The playlists we made together and then listened to for hours on end just staring at the ceiling. The ice cream runs. The crying in each others arms when something bad happened at school.

The kiss...

Eli was right. I was blind. He had been right there in front of me for years, but I had never noticed. I was too focused on getting the popular bitch to just look at me for once that I didn't see the boy I was hurting by not confessing what I really felt. I knew it was always him, but I wasn't gay. I liked girls. Eli just happened to make me smile a little more than they did. He made me laugh a little more, and cry a little more, and scream a little more, but I had never even toggled with the idea that I might like guys. My mom told me she was bi when I was younger, but I didn't really know what it meant at the time, I just knew that some people weren't ok with it. She said it wasn't that big of a deal in the first place since she married my father, but she wanted me to know in case I had any "realizations" or at least that's how she put it, so that I would have someone to come and talk to.

I wanted her here now. I was scared and confused and I just needed a hug from my mom. Pathetic, I know, but it was true.

I hadn't said a word after his confession. I just didn't know how to approach it. I was scared. He was still up in my face, but he was a little calmer now. It sounded like his mom had come back inside, but I heard Brett's car start to drive off which made me remember what I had first walked in on. I was worried to speak up, but I needed the burning question on my mind answered.

"Hawk?" I said so quietly that it was practically a whisper.

"What Demetri?" he said coldly, but finally calm nonetheless.

"Are you and Brett...?"

"No," he replied sharply.

"So... what then?"

"We've just been... I don't know, doing... that every once in a while."

"That's a little... odd don't you think?"

"What? It's not like you weren't making out with Yasmine before you two got together."

He got me there. For some reason thinking about him and Brett made me super uncomfortable though. Is this what real jealousy felt like? I had gotten jealous whenever Yasmine flirted with other guys before we were together, but it never felt like this. This sinking feeling in my stomach that made me want to punch Brett in the face even though he was never anything, but nice to me.

"Do you like him... I mean like, for more than just... that?"

"I like how he looks at me. I like how he says my name, and I like how he makes me feel like the only person in the world, but..."

"But?"

Eli had been pacing a little more around his room, but once things settled down we both sat next to each other on his bed and looked directly at his wall while we talked. For the first time though, he turned and looked at me.

I continued facing the wall, but then he placed his hand on my cheek and lightly turned my face to look at him in the eyes.

"But... he's not you."

I could feel my heart racing. Eli slowly started leaning in and I followed. I could feel his hot breath on my skin as he inched his face closer to mine. I desperately wanted to press my lips against his. I was practically aching for his touch, but before he could go through with the kiss, I pulled away.

"I'm- I'm sorry, but I... can't."

His soul looked crushed. I wanted to hug him and explain that everything would be ok, but I knew it would only make things worse.

"Did I- did I do something?"

"No, no, it's not that I just. There's a really sweet boy who was in here only about 20 minutes ago, and I think you should figure things out with him before we jump into something."

[ Hawk's POV ]

I knew he was right, but I didn't care. In that moment my hormones were in control and I just wanted him in any way possible. I had to respect his wishes though, as much as it hurt.

"You're right, but you should probably go," I wanted him to stay, to never leave my side, but I wasn't sure if I could control myself if he stayed for a second longer.

"Eli, I can stay if you wa-"

"No it's ok, I have some stuff to do anyway. I was supposed to be studying for a math test, but then... ya know."

We both chuckled a little and it felt nice seeing him smile.

"Alright, well have a good night ok? And let me know when you get everything figured out, I want to see you again."

I smiled as he spoke. His voice had always been a comforting sound to me and now that things were finally looking up it made me feel even more warm and safe.

I walked him out to my front door and my mom said goodbye offering him some food for the road. We stepped outside and I almost shut the door behind us leaving it just a bit open so that I didn't lock myself out.

"I'll see you at school tomorrow right?" I said hoping we wouldn't have to try and avoid each other anymore.

"Yeah of course."

He started walking away, but then suddenly stopped in his tracks and turned around. He came up to me, inches away from my face and whispered in my ear.

"I love you too Eli," and then he got into his car and drove away.