The Thoughts That Weren't Suicidal

7 | Sober

"Ain't a pill that could touch our rush (but what will we do when we're sober)" - Sober

-

I stopped having dreams and nightmares a long time ago. One day I woke up and I was just numb. I didn't have any dream to decipher or any nightmare to feel relieved about waking up from. My medicine is probably to blame for this loss. If there is one thing that it is good at, it is making me feel numb.

When I woke up, I stretched out my arms and yawned quietly. I slowly opened my eyes to find a relieved Kris watching over me. What is she so happy about? I am not baby Jesus for heaven's sake.

"Oh Adri, I'm so happy you're up." Yeah, I can tell.

I just nodded at her in response and sat up slowly. My head is pounding, and my throat stings, but other than that I am feeling pretty okay.

Whenever I wake up after a panic attack, my body is always weak and vulnerable. Not as vulnerable as I am during a panic attack, but it is still pretty hard for me to function by myself.

"Your brother, Cole, called." Kris, I thought that we were both pro-no-panic-attacks. What happened to that?

"Adri wait. I didn't tell him anything. I just told him that you fell asleep during the movie and then convinced him to let you stay the night. He just wants you to call him." And here I thought I could talk fast when I was scared. Kris has it mastered.

I relaxed back against the headboard with a quiet sigh. When did I say I want to have a sleepover? I am still pretty mad at her for trying to kiss me. I don't know if I'm up to sleeping in the same room as her.

"Adri talk to me." Nah, I'm good. Talking requires way more energy than me just being quiet.

I reached in my pocket for my phone, keeping my eyes on my lap. I dialed Cole's number, squeezing my empty palm into a tight fist.

It's not like I've never lied to Cole before. I've done it on multiple occasions, usually just to stay away from Her, but I never will be able to enjoy lying to him. My hands always start shaking and my voice hitches up a notch. It is a very nerve-wracking experience for me.

"So you want to spend the night at a girl's house that you just met and who you don't even like?"

Kris gave me a small pout and crossed her arms over her chest at the sound of that. If she hadn't made me have a panic attack, I would have the energy to hold my phone to my ear instead of having it on speakerphone, and then she wouldn't have heard that. This is all her fault.

"Yep, that's right." Now that I think about it, I'm not really lying. I don't want to be anywhere near Cole in this state, so technically I do want to be here since he isn't here.

Not surprisingly, that doesn't make me feel any better about lying.

"Do you have your meds?" Of course I do. Who leaves their house without their meds?

Just the thought of leaving home without my meds gives me a bad feeling, but if I were to accidentally leave my meds at home, I'd probably start World War III. I'd break into every pharmacy, and take every single last pill that looks like my meds until I got that feeling that my actual meds give. Somewhere in the middle of this little event, I'll probably overdose and die.

And dying is bad.

"Yeah."

"Okay. You can stay there, but I'm going to have to tell-"

"Alright, bye."

You just hung up on Cole. Your point? You don't feel bad? He was about to say Her name; he's the one who should feel bad. You won't let her get rid of me right? Never.