The Thoughts That Weren't Suicidal

20 | No Better

"And Jamie picks fights but they're weak and short-lived because no one can be bothered when it's humid like this" - No Better

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I walked into my first-period class, my eyes darting from left to right. Kris hasn't even tried to talk to me yet, but I'm already shaking.

Maybe you're shaking from fear of Claire. No, it's definitely because of Kris. How can you be so sure? Because there's a little bit of excitement inside of me.

I was wrong about what I said last night, more wrong than I've ever been about anything in my entire life. I absolutely, positively want to see Kris today. After doing a lot of thinking and taking a few doses of medication, I know that Kris would be great to have around me today, particularly in my therapy session. I won't even have to talk to Tabitha today if Kris comes along.

All that Kris and I have to do is ignore what happened yesterday.

I wasn't wrong on my stance about our kiss. It's not become even more clear that what happened yesterday can not happen again. I came to the realization when I was swallowing my first dose of the day, which consists of six pills. Someone as unstable as me can not deal with situations as excitable as yesterday regularly.

Daily, my mind is either taking nothing and turning it into something or turning something very important into something irrelevant. I don't know if what happened yesterday counts as something super important or very irrelevant but either way, thinking about what happened yesterday gives me heart palpitations and will most likely lead to me doing something extremely self-destructive. So I'm just going to ignore it.

That's always a good idea.

Luckily on the day that I need Kris to be quiet, she's quiet. Not in a bad way like yesterday, but in a she's-actually-trying-to-learn-today kind of way. She smiled at me when I walked in and glared at Claire when she tried to come over and talk to me, but that's all the interaction that has occurred between Kris and me today.

I guess that eventually, I have to talk to Kris about her sitting in on my session with Tabitha today, but that can wait a little while longer. I really wish that she was able to just read my mind so that I wouldn't have to verbally ask her. Actually asking somebody for something leaves room for rejection, something that I am not and have never been very good at handling.

When I was five, I wanted a baseball bat for my birthday. Not to actually play baseball; I wanted to beat up the girl in my class who kept calling me a "spaz". Even five year old me knew that Cole wouldn't support my homicidal thoughts though, so I told him that I wanted the bat to play baseball. For some reason though, Cole knew why I really wanted the baseball bat and told me no.

When he told me no, I broke a vase and destroyed my entire room.

The 'if one parent says no, then ask the other one' trick still seemed pretty plausible to me at that age, so I went to ask my parents. Apparently, Cole had already talked to them though, so they told me no too.

This time I set my mom's closet on fire and threw my dad's phone into a gutter outside.

Rejection is not my strong suit.

A hand found itself on my lower back, and I turned to face Kris. She didn't say anything, she just smiled and continued to rub small circles on my spine while she took notes. Today I didn't mind her hand at all; her touch was different. It was intentional, and it was as if there was a purpose behind every thumb stroke. Instead of her trying to cop a feel, this was her way of getting me to calm down.

When the bell rang, Kris and I got up and headed for our next classes. I decided that the hallway is the perfect place to ask her since it's so loud. I'm hoping that she won't be able to hear me, so she'll end up just nodding.