The Thoughts That Weren't Suicidal

23 | Ribs

"You're the only friend I need, sharing beds like little kids" - Ribs

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Apparently, Cole is very disappointed with how the session with Tabitha went down earlier. That's not very shocking though. Me threatening to kill somebody and an absence of a reprimand from Kristina was bound not to go over well. However, what is surprising is that Cole isn't disappointed in Kristina or I. He's disappointed with Tabitha.

The moment the sedative came out I went into a dissociative state, so I don't actually remember a lot. Kris has been doing me the courtesy of catching me up though.

As soon as I could walk, Kris took me straight home and told Cole everything. How I was genuinely opening up to Tabitha and was (for the most part) behaving until the Tabitha threatened me with the sedative. Kris didn't and still doesn't know that it was a sedative, but from her description of how bad my breakdown was, it wasn't hard for Cole to figure it out.

Though Cole complies with our parents' wishes and orders the sedative every month, he hates it just as much as I do. He thinks that it's excessive and should only be used when I'm in the middle of a freakout, never as something to intimidate me. When he found out that Tabitha pulled it out because of an empty threat that I've made millions of times, he was livid.

Kris explained to me how he called Tabitha and lectured her over how her job is to make me better, not worse and how she has to have more patience with me. However, I couldn't care less about what he was yelling at her about. The fact that someone other than me was angry with Tabitha, was thrilling. It was nice to have someone on my side, no matter how short-lived the feeling is going to be.

Because at the end of the day, they're still not going to get rid of her.

Cole was so upset that he left a little while ago to go yell at Tabitha in person. And even though I'm still a little out of it, I'm pretty sure the thumping in my chest is excitement and not residual anxiety. Despite the major panic attack I had earlier, today is one of the best days of my life.

Now Kris and I were laying in my bed, watching one of the millions of random movies that I have, gifted from past doctors who felt guilty for prescribing me house arrest so many times. Kris seemed to be really into them, whereas for me they were just background noise. I was more focused on Kris's heartbeat than anything; the way that it sped up and slowed down as the movie progressed was much more entertaining than anything I had seen a thousand times.

When the movie we were watching ended, I sat up so that Kris could go and change the movie out. When she didn't move from her spot, I turned towards her with a confused look.

"Adri, we need to talk," Kris began slowly and cautiously, gentleness heavy in her tone. However, no speed nor amount of kindness could change how much I hated that phrase. Any phrase that implied a conversation immediately made it to my dislike lists.

"I agree. We need to figure out what we're eating for dinner. I'm starving." I attempted to redirect, which was unsuccessful by the look on Kris's face.

"We can talk about that too, but first there's something else we need to talk about." She spoke in an almost pleading voice as she sat up.

"About what Kris?" I sighed while sitting up to face her and crossing my legs. She mirrored my position and took my hands in hers, setting them in between us.

"I need to know what's in that syringe."

My muscles tensed and I shot her the dirtiest look that I could muster. Did she not see what just the sight of that thing did to me earlier? That syringe is the very last thing I want to talk about today.