The Thoughts That Weren't Suicidal

9 | Bravado

"I learned not to want the quiet of a room with no one around to find me out " - Bravado

-

What did I look like? Property?

"Kris, you do know that I'm an actual human being and not a piece of land?" I asked, looking down at my book. We were supposed to be working on an assignment. That's what they told us school was about anyway.

"Yeah, but you're still my-"

"I'm not your anything." I cut her off immediately, internally cringing at how brash I had been.

Deep down inside, I knew Kris didn't mean anything by her comments. So I don't know where all of the sudden agitation had come from. Maybe it was because I didn't like the feeling her words gave me. The flurry and tightness that came with just being around her are unusual and foreign enough, and I don't want to dedicate energy to deal with it.

I could feel Kris staring at me, but I didn't want to look over and see her facial expression. It would probably make me annoyed or guilty. Neither of which I had time for.

But still the guilt seeped through, and I felt my heart tug and mood sour.

Damn you human emotions.

Kris decided to not respond, for which I was grateful. She was probably going to be upset during lunch, like how she was yesterday, but I didn't mind right now. That was a lunch problem that I was going to deal with at lunch.

"Class, please turn to page 80 in your textbooks."

Δ

"Avery, do you know what's wrong with Kris? I haven't heard her make a sarcastic comment all day." Bella whispered from beside me, glancing across the table over at Kris. She was looking down at her sandwich deep in thought and Bella was right; she hadn't made one joke in all of lunch. In fact, she hadn't said much of anything yet.

It was great.

Adrianna, that's not very nice of you. You're trying to give me nice lessons? Yes, I am; why is that so hard to believe? Because you're you. You're being ridiculously mean and rude right now. You do this to me all the time. Out of love; you're being mean to Kris without reason. Just go away; you're making my head hurt.

"I don't know. Maybe she's having a bad day." I suggested, then took a bite out of my sandwich. I didn't want to admit that it might've been me that broke Kris's sarcasm. I know I told myself earlier that if there was a problem, then I'd deal with it at lunch, but now I've changed my mind since then. Now I just want to take a nap.

"No, that's not it. Kris doesn't have 'bad days'. She's Kris. That's just not her thing." The worry in Bella's voice was beginning to make my hand fidget.

I didn't mean to do anything to Kris. It wasn't my fault. Sometimes things come out of my mouth and they're usually nowhere near nice. It wasn't my fault and I don't mean half of the things that I say. I've never had a lot of friends, I've never really had any friends, so I don't know how to deal with them and that's not my fault. Kris is weird and she makes me feel weird so I do mean things because I can't cope and that's not my fault. Sometimes my emotions are hard to control and that's not my fault. My meds are forever faulty and they will never fix me and it's not my fault. This cannot be my fault.

"I have to go."

I shot up from the table and turned around walking towards the exit. I repeatedly slammed my arms against the sides of my body, trying to beat the static out of them. Groans and mumbles of pain escaped my mouth, as I tried to shake the heat away from my brain.