The Thoughts That Weren't Suicidal

8 | A World Alone

"We've both got a million bad habits to kick, not sleeping is one." - A World Alone

-

"So Kris, where exactly am I sleeping?" I asked, turning over on my side to face Kris. Well, to look down at Kris since she's laying on the floor. I didn't exactly kick her out of her bed, I just politely asked her to move and threatened deadly force if she didn't.

"Right where you are I guess. I can stay down here." That makes me sound like a bad person. Besides, this bed probably has like 20 different types of STD's on it. It's not in my best interest to stay in it for too long.

"Can I sleep on the couch or something? Do you have a guestroom?" Basically, any room except for this one will do. I'll even take the closet.

"Yeah I guess, but don't you want to be in the same room as me? You know in case you have another panic attack or something." She asked hesitantly, and I did my best not to scoff. Kris witnessing another one of my panic attacks was the last thing I wanted.

"I just want to go to sleep Kris."

"But-"

"Where's the guestroom?"

The way she looked at me made me almost change my answer.

Almost.

"The room right across from this one."

I stood up and grabbed my backpack before walking to the door to leave Kris's room. Right when I reached the door, a hand clasped around my arm.

"Don't you need clothes to sleep in?" She asked as I yanked my arm away from her grip. I don't want her touching me. I don't even want her to look at me. I hope she doesn't take it personally. I don't want anyone touching me.

I stepped back a couple of steps before nodding at her. Her eyes look apologetic and she opened her mouth, probably to apologize, but I just shook my head, turning away from her. I feel bad for making her feel bad, but I don't know what to say in situations like this.

Just tell her that you're not mad at her. But I am mad at her. No, you're just mad at the world. Same thing. Adri, that's not fair; she messed up, but so have you. She scares me. I think that it's time for you to grow up and face your fears. When did you get so insightful? Panic attacks tend to knock some sense into me.

When Kris came back with a few articles of clothing in hand, I took them with a small smile. She still looks a little sad, so I decided to listen to the advice that I was given.

"Look," I started, before turning to leave, "I don't mean to come off as mad or anything. I'm just not very good with people, or just life in general. Don't take anything I do too personally."

With that I walked across the hall, with an okay, maybe even good, feeling in my chest. I could feel her smile spread through the atmosphere. It feels good to make someone else happy.

"Goodnight Adrianna," Kris called out before I entered my room.

"Goodnight Kristina."

I couldn't sleep. I had already predicted I wouldn't be able to sleep since I didn't take my insomnia pills, but now I'm in the moment of not sleeping, and it sucks. I wasn't tired or anything, but I never really liked staying up and doing nothing. My mind always wandered to bad places and I've yet to learn how to leave those places.

I turned over again, for about the 1000th time that night, and hugged the pillow tight to my chest. I stared out the window, watching the moon and the clouds. The moon wasn't the best to have conversations with. As great as it was to rant to, it never really knew the right things to say back to me.