The Thoughts That Weren't Suicidal

33 | Green Light

"But I hear sounds in my mind, brand new sounds in my mind. But, honey, I'll be seein' you 'ever I go. But, honey, I'll be seein' you down every road" - Green Light

-

Tabitha comes around the house. A lot.

At first, I didn't mind because that meant that I had Kristina with me a lot and I got to spend a lot of alone time with Kristina. But that was before.

This is me officially saying that I mind the amount of time Tabitha spends in my house.

I can't be the real me with her around because the real me is the reason we hired her. The real me jokes about stabbing people at school and throwing myself off of very tall cliffs. The reason it's okay to make those jokes around Ellie and Cole is that they know that I'm joking. If I say things like that in front of Tabitha, she might add another prescription to my already long list.

I can not start taking more medication.

A knock at my door made me turn away from my desk. "Hey, Cole. What's-"

Cole doesn't have blonde hair.

"Hi, Adrianna!" Tabitha greeted enthusiastically.

Don't hit her. Don't fight her. Just breathe.

"Hi Tabitha," I whispered quietly, with as much of a smile as I could.

"Cole, Ellie, and I were thinking of going to this nice restaurant for dinner. Would you like to come?" You want more people to witness the murder that I'm going to commit? No thank you.

"I'm okay. I have homework to finish." I spoke in a hushed tone, turning back towards my desk. I had no choice but to speak as quietly as I was because having her in my room takes all of the oxygen away, and makes it hard for my lungs to function. Not in a good way like Kris does when she walks into the room, but in the bad way that makes me want to cry.

"Look Adri," She started. "I know that we aren't friends but I'd like to change that."

I let the tears well up in my eyes and my hands clench into tight fists but still refused to say anything. I don't trust my brain to come up with anything nice or polite to say. Not that it would have any oxygen to use if it did come up with something anyway.

"I want us to be able to have a conversation and for you to eat dinner when I'm in the house. You shouldn't have to lock yourself in your room every time that I come over."

And then I started to cry.

I made sure that it was a quiet sob because I was mindful enough to remember that there were other people downstairs. I needed to cry though because it was the alternative to being angry.

Instead of trying to bash Tabitha's head in, I'm just going to curl myself into a little ball and cry.

"Please leave," I spoke quietly through my tears, as I stood up from my desk and walked over to my bed.

"Adrianna-"

"Please leave," I stated again, this time in a louder tone as I buried myself underneath the covers of my bed. I'm not shaking. I'm not hyperventilating. There are just silent tears streaming down my face and an invisible force sucking out all of my mental strength.

Eventually, some footsteps fade away, but the desire for me to leave my bed did not return. The emptiness was also an alternative to angry. I could just not feel when Tabitha's around. But even though me from 2 years ago would've been completely on board with this plan, present me actually enjoys feelings.