The Thoughts That Weren't Suicidal

28 | Hard Feelings

"God I wish I believed you when you told me this was my home" - Hard Feelings

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I have accepted that being content is the closest that I am ever going to get to me being happy. My medication does a really good job of suppressing the feelings I should have and not doing shit for the ones they're supposed to be fixing. And although I sounded really bitter a couple of moments ago about not being able to be happy, I don't actually mind.

Because I am content around Kristina and it feels great.

"So what are you going to get me for our anniversary?" Kris suddenly asked me, turning her attention away from the twins' conversation about tofu. I don't know why they're always so interested in food, but I guess that it's better than them being interested in something bad. Like alcohol or drugs.

Or dying.

I rolled my eyes. "Air? Another month of not stabbing you?" I answered hopefully, and she flicked my ear playfully.

By next week, Kris and I will have been together for one month.

A whole month of me being around someone for more than an hour a day and not stabbing or even attempting to stab them. A whole month of me having to keep up a productive conversation with someone and care about what we're talking about. A whole month of cheesy pickup lines and cheesy pizza.

But most importantly, it has been a whole month of me being, what is probably, the closest thing to happy I'll ever be. A whole month of (little to) no homicidal thoughts. A whole month of me not wanting to take out the razor taped under my desk.

And all of that sounds pretty good to me.

"I know what I'm getting you. Though I'll have to give some of the credit to Cole because he helped." She admitted and now I glared at her. That is cheating.

Aren't you glad that this is the type of cheating that she's doing though? I suppose, but I don't have anyone helping me get anything for her, so I'm in trouble. You have me. Please, you'll probably make me get her a poster that says 'run away'. And what's so wrong with that? Get out.

"Well, then Cole can help me get you something since you two are so buddy-buddy," I muttered and she kissed my cheek, her lips spreading into a gentle smile against my skin.

"You know I thought about that when I went to talk to him, so I told him not to help you." She mentioned casually and I turned towards her with a harsh glare.

"So you get to ask for help, but I can't?!" I all but yelled.

Everyone sitting at our table and the tables around us turned around with worried expressions, but Kris just waved them off and focused on me. Despite the fact that I had just spoken to her in my 'I want to kill you' tone, she was still giving me that loving smile. This only succeeded in making me want to punch her even more.

"Can I be honest with you?" She asked quietly, looking down at our conjoined hands.

"Sure," I said simply, avoiding using my sarcastic tone. She looks as if she is about to say something serious, so she'll only get sad if I try to make a joke out of it.

"You know how much I care about you right? There is no doubt in your mind that there is nothing I wouldn't do for you?" She asked, gripping onto my hand tightly.

I tilted my head, watching her with an expressionless face.

She isn't wrong. Though my behavior doesn't show it, I know that Kristina treats me like a queen. She treats me better than a lot of spouses treat each other and she's known me for barely three months.